Mama-centric

Being a mother is amazing, and exhausting, and intense... I feel like it's go time every waking second, and I do a generally terrible job making space and time for myself. Sean is really good about making sure he plays music out a couple times a week, and he goes to the gym, practices music, gets on the computer, reads the paper, and drinks his coffee when the kids are awake. I aspire to be able to take time like he does without the guilt I feel for not giving the kids enough of myself. I guess it's a working mom thing, but when I am not with the kids and I could be, I feel like I'm taking my children, and motherhood, for granted. I feel like I'm squandering this gift I have been given. That is the reason I leave for work at 5:15 in the morning...so I can start my work day at 6, a good hour before the girls even wake up.... because I want that morning hour at the end of the day. With them. I work those 10 hour days so I can have Wednesdays with Addie in the morning, and both of the kids in the afternoon. It's not pretty, but it makes the most sense (for them) right now.

I find myself living my life-the life where I am a wife, and a support, and a musician...I find myself living that life when the children are asleep. That's when I can have a sweet and intimate conversation with Sean, or a quiet dinner or drink and see a movie, or learn a tune, or have a long talk with a friend about their father that died or their cheating boyfriend, or their future. I have been remiss about asking for what I need. I have been remiss about even thinking about what I need so I know what to ask for.

Tonight Sean and I had a little snit about something and he suggested I feel grateful that he gives me and the kids valet treatment with getting picked up or dropped off at home and when we're out somewhere. I told him that even though I love that he is thoughtful, it is a LOT of work getting them anywhere, even with "the treatment". Example: tonight we got dropped off at the restaurant...I had to get the kids through the food line, in chairs with drinks, their food in front of them-all while they are acting exactly their age (especially challenging when Addie is roaming free and throwing everything from the display shelves on the floor while you're trying to finish getting the order made and paid for). So, I told him I will park the car from now on. GLADLY. I dropped them all off in the back of our house after dinner and had a lovely, quiet drive to the parking space and quiet walk to the house. I LOVED not having to lug them up the stairs, carrying way too much stuff (including Addie!). The cold was nothing compared to the tiny serene little break that made the rest of the night enjoyable and a complete breeze. Amazing what (literally) 5 minutes of quiet can do to recharge your batteries.

That got me thinking about a) identifying and voicing my needs and b) offering suggestions for how my family can help me get them met.

I sat down and thought good and hard about the needs of each of us, and I drafted a proposed schedule for all of us (Type A, but that's how I roll when I'm trying to figure something out). Sean has 4 mornings during the week that he can go to the gym, and two days a week where he could go to a session. Gillian has dance class and piano lessons. Addie has wiggleworms and nap requirements. God love him, Sean said "figure out what you want to do, and we will fill in around you".

So, one thing I decided is that I want to go to the gym on weekend mornings for yoga. Today was my first day. I have neglected my physical self and emotional self since Addie was born. I did yoga pretty regularly for 4 years and religiously throughout both pregnancies, but I hadn't done it in a class since I was pregnant about 2 years ago (I did do videos till Addie was born, but classes are different). And it kicked my ass, but in the best possible way. The kind of way where you walk out thinking-that was rough! but I lived! for that I am amazing! Can't wait till next week to get my ass kicked again! I also jumped at the chance to sit right here and relax when Sean offered to hold our end of a babyswap up tonight and sit for our friends. It is lovely, and quiet in my house. But, I am also falling asleep on the couch after a very eventful day and it's only 10:15.

I feel like this sense of self is a moving target, and we can only keep plugging away, moving toward some balance that makes us feel like we're taking care of everyone we need to be taking care of... but the epiphany is that we have to take care of ourselves first. So, I am getting a little more perspective about leaving the living room messy till the end of the day, or just breaking down and getting take out, or realizing Addie will not be traumatized if I come home a half hour AFTER she wakes up from a nap (instead of puting her down and then trying to get home from errand running before she wakes up). And maybe every now and then, I need to abandon the three of them for 20 minutes in a hot bath-GUILT FREE-to make some space to remind myself that my life couldn't be much more blessed than it already is...