Ooooooooooooooooh SNAP!

Here comes the uglies. After a positively blissful couple of weeks with a girl who is sporting SIX teeth, who is eating like I always dreamed she could, and who has been sweet and delightful, I must tragically announce the development of a not so darling new habit. Hitting.

So, we don't hit eachother, or G, or the cats. She has not learned to hit from anyone that I know of. She always gets a little exhuberant with the kitties after some kisses and hard patting, and starts pounding a little harder than they like (I am secretly waiting for a good old fashioned retaliation, but alas, our kitties are very tolerant). That has been the case for ages, so nothing new there. But last week, something new began. Gilly would love, love, love her baby doll, then lay baby down gently, and start walloping on it. Not just that, but chanting (progressively louder) "ya-Ya-YA-YA-YA!!!" whilst in the act, as if it were a battle cry. This prompted me to react, and say, "No Hitting" very firmly, kinda like the tone I would have imagined Moses using when reading the commandments (very somber, folks). Then, following up with the run of the mill, "gentle, Gilly. we touch [insert object] gently, like this". Hearing this, she hugs the baby, pats it's back, and kisses it, but within 10 seconds it happens all over again.

So, what's the big deal about a baby doll? you ask. Well, nothing until she starts beating the baby, then looks at me for a reaction (last Wed). And then there was poor Francie, who was the object of Gillian's abuse on Friday- a real, live baby. Gillian hit Francie over toys and because she didn't want Silvia to hold Francie. In fact, Francie was so traumatized, that apparently she was beyond eager for Sean to remove our child from the premises ASAP when he showed up to pick her up and bring her home. By all accounts it was a "rough" day. Not to say that Francie has never dished it out herself (Gillian was sporting a nice scab for two weeks where Francie bit her and drew blood over a toy-you have to appreciate the primordial world of toddlerhood!). But here's the thing: How do you react to this behavior in the way that's most likely to make it go away soonest?

What I started to do today was take the baby away when she hits it, and hold it and kiss it and tell her she hurt the baby and that the baby is sad, and does she want to be nice to her and make her happy again with hugs and kisses? It incenses her to see me holding the baby, so that may be an incentive. Clearly, we must address he hitting with a "no hitting". Particularly because she has hit me in the face a few times over the past couple of days. As the words "Gillian, no hitting" are coming out of my mouth she is puckering up for a kiss. As if the kiss erases the smack down. She does that with the baby doll too. From here on out, a smack will equal being put on the floor and walked away from. As in, no one wants to be around you when you're being ugly.

Before Friday I thought it might be best to ignore it since she was clearly anticipating my reaction and began trying to elicit one. But you have to stop the buck somewhere when it spills out of your house and into someone else's. She is testing boundaries, and there is definitely a firm and unwavering one in our house when it comes to meanness. So, my precious little angel, my perfect butterfly, is channeling the Dark Side. Her yin is out of balance. Apparently, this isn't a rare thing between now and 20 months of so, but as with all the other unpleasantness I hear about with other people's kids, I was hoping to skip this one. No such luck.

GIRL

Ya'll- I love having a little girl. Not trying to say that having a little boy is no less special or sweet, or that I don't fully expect to love any little boy sent my way just as much. BUT, I won't be doing this with a little boy's hair and taking him out in public.

Christmas in January

Gillian has a new tooth, on the lower left side, FINALLY!!! She has been having teething symptoms on and off for about three months. In fact, she has been cutting four teeth forever, and lately has been clingy and pitiful. The gum is all swollen on the other side on the bottom as well. The top two next to the middle ones are visible through the gums. See, our girl doesn’t do anything halfway either. None of this “cutting-one-tooth-at-a-time-to-make-it-easier-on-herself” business, she’ll wait till she doubles her tooth count to cut any more at all.

There has been a spurt in verbal abilities, which is clearly making Gillian feel quite pleased with herself. Things she consistently says (that I understand):

Cracker (cack-uh)
Cheese (teece)
Ball (bu-uh)
Bulb (Bu)
Bath (baah)
Bottle (b-buh)
Baby (bay)
Hot (ha-ha-ha)
Cold (but she says "brrrrr" instead!)
Belly (bey)
Toe (tt-tt-tuh)
Kitty ("kkkuh")
Barrette ("ba-brr")
All done ("da-doh", the little sing song way she says this gives it away; she is imitating what I say when I take her tray away after she eats)

She still mostly makes animal sounds in lieu of saying the animal name (meow, woof, quack-quack). Even more exciting, though, is her imitation abilities lately. Not only with words that she may or may not remember, but she imitates tones and sounds you sing to her. Yesterday we went through the alphabet, me saying "ba, ba, ba" and her repeating, then "da-da-da" and "ga-ga-ga" and all the way through. She successfully repeated every consonant, even "wa".

I have to capture this on video, but she is singing a little song that sounds a lot like one Nonni has been singing to her since she was born. That one is without prompting. Still no walking, and no apparent interest in walking.

There's our developmental update!

WHEW! (all about me)

Well, it's done. I did it. Last Thursday, I defended my dissertation. Successfully. No, better than that. The Committee didn't have much to say...just a few minor things. My oral defense was done in 15 minutes flat (the presentation was 45 minutes).

I've been meditating on what exactly this means in the grand scheme of my life the past few days, and quite frankly the reality is that I don't feel any different. My advisor said it's anticlimactic that way. Ok, I feel different in this way: I am absolutely, utterly exhausted. Like I've been saving up all the fatigue of the past 6 years for when I would have the mental energy to handle it. It's kindof like my mom (who worked 60-80 hours a week at a convenience store to pay all the bills when I was growing up (abridged version)) use to say, "I don't have time to be sick"...well, I guess I haven't had time to be tired (between work, and school, and motherhood). But now I am sooooo tired. Ironically, I have been unable to sleep the past two nights in spite of that fact.

I have strived for one goal after the next my entire life. This is my last big tangible career/achievement-type goal (well, maybe I will get a registered environmental health scientist certification for fun, but that's definitely not needed at this point). So, now that I have reach this place, what's next? Weirdly, I am beginning to realize the roadmap of my life is riddled with the noteworthy stops of experiences...many of those having been working toward or achieving goals. Truth be told, I have no idea how to relax and not be all salmon-like trying to swim against the current to get to the next seemingly impossible place.

Isn't there some hobby or something I'd like to do now in the free time that is looming so near me? Yes, SO MUCH!! Sean lovingly made me an art bench and shelves in his workshop "for when [I'm] done with school". I use to love to make stuff, and to sculpt, and to be generally creative. Although I have neglected that part of myself, I have found myself to be pretty forgiving and find ways back to the garden when I have needed it. Now I want to live there full time again. And music.... How wonderful it will be to do that again. Even the simple things like reading what I want..maybe fiction or a memoir that is inspiring (in lieu of something in, say, the Journal of Environmental Engineering).

Lately, my friends and I, on what use to be an online pregnancy support group that is now a parenting support group (a shout out to Dee, Kirsten, Marcy, Martha, and Megan!!), have been talking a lot about feeling like we have lost a little of ourselves throughout this parenting process, and we all agree we need to find and nurture those passions that have always resonated in us. I feel like that strange neglect of myself began when I became pregnant with the expectation of finishing school, even those years ago when I began the program, well before I became pregnant with my Gillian. Anyone who really knows me knows how single-minded I can get when I am working on something I feel I need to accomplish...often at the expense of other things. The stubbornness to finish what I start has been a blessing and a curse, I guess.

But here I am. Soon-to-be LCDR Michelle Colledge, PhD, MPH. Weird. On May 9th I will walk across the stage to accept my diploma that I busted my ass and risked losing my sense of self to earn (I fully expect angels with trumpets and a heavenly light and that one sound when you see the heavenly light and trumpets as I am hooded at long last). I will look back and not have a clue about how I managed to finally get there. But hopefully that day, roughly four months from now, will find me better self-cultivated, more self-aware, and though I would never want to float too far away, with my head a least *a little* up in the clouds.

Oh How I Love Thee

(new camera, Nikon SLR D-40. Many thanks to Sarah and Brandon for turning me on to this magnificent camera)

Let me Count the Ways....

I love thy shutter speed


And thy clarity


And thy sharpness of character


Thank you, Bill and Suzi, for my wonderful Christmas present. My photo-taking skills are going to an all new level!