Year in Review

Every now and then, it is important to reflect on your life a little to see how you're doing in the grand scheme of things...I certainly could never have guessed where life would take me years ago watching my mother desperately trying to scrape the money together for rent every month. I mean, I had some ideas that I'd like to be a rock star for a second before moving on and doing something more permanent and grown up. And I always said I wanted to find a love that was more like a burning ember than a roaring fire, since embers have a way of being warm and cozy a lot longer than roaring fires roar.

So, I became religious, then renounced God, then found spirituality in a whole new light by the time I was 14. I lived through adolescence and lived in technicolor for a good while through college and afterward...I fell in love a million times and made it my favorite pasttime...so addicted to how that heart bursting and heart breaking felt. I got to be almost famous for a second, and toured and recorded with awesome bands, and pushed my limits in every conceivable way. In 1997 I met a boy, and did my best to scare him off, but he wouldn't stop sticking. I railed against being with someone so sane. Would he take the shine out of my ethereal life? Would he help me keep floating away?

But really, at some point, the allure of insanity becomes less and less, and something happens where you start thinking about outcomes and "ever after" and all that. I had the sense to marry someone who wouldn't go away, who won't ever go away, no matter how terrible I am. He sees something good here that I can't see 99% of the time, and that is blessed. Not saying that it's all rainbows all day long, but there is a good bit of substance to work with. And we work, and we work on it. That's what building a life together is.

So, 2009 was a crazy year-exhilarating and exhausting and another piece of my life puzzle. We made a little drop of sunshine, most importantly, whose smile is like heaven breaking open, dropping diamonds everywhere. I fell in love, heart bursting all over again, with a tiny little life that I made with the man who wouldn't walk away (from the impossible kamikaze girl with clouds in her head, no less). Our Gillian, on the other hand, has tried us more than anything ever has; and we love her and we are wasted by her every second. No one had ever mentioned how boundary testing (in TODDLERS) is one of the greatest challenges of parenting. But I would never wish her to be anything except exactly what she is. It wouldn't suit me to have a docile lamb where I have a fiercely independent, imaginative, stubborn, willful girl. I don't want to break the spirit I admire and am in awe of, and I don't believe I could even if that was my aim. She's like bamboo. Bending but never broken, and all that.

I think about how the shifts and leaps and wild changes and accomplishments of the past few years, and I am so humbled that God entrusted me, ME, with these blessings. Most nights right before I sleep I meditate on these things so I can remember how I never thought I would be at THIS place. This little life of mine is so much bigger than I could have ever dared to hope for. I have a wonderful family and excellent friends, I have a career I love, an education I am proud of, and life experiences I cherish. Remembering where I came from puts everything in perspective, and I don't want for much different than I have.

I'll be drinking champagne with my husband tonight, hoping for more of this trajectory. Daring to believe into existence the blessings of a happy home, a happy career, and a lovely life. Maybe even dancing to that one song in our living room by the magical lights of our Christmas tree.

Happy New Year to all of you that we love, and to those of you who we have never met.

So big

Addie is growing like a weed. She is starting to look like, I imagine, what she will look like....differentiating out of the "amorphous baby blob" phase and into the baby/toddler phase...the one where you think "wow, [insert person's name], you look exactly the same" when you're looking at baby pictures of them. Though we are curious to know what she will look like with hair. It is crazy to think she is almost 6 months old.

We had playgroup here yesterday, and I have missed having the girls around every week now that I'm back at work. There is something liberating and awesome about sharing these moments and changes with other people at the same place you are. Like "the baby has suddenly started waking up four times a night", or "she nearly bit my nipple off with those razor teeth"...things you can't exactly stand around and talk about to people at work or to people without kids.

So, Addie might do a normal crawl...she gets up on her knees (something my crab-crawling Gillian never did), and she rocks like she thinks she wants to go someplace. She likes to pose in a Superman posture like she's trying to touch just her belly button to the floor. She will do well in yoga later in life. She has upward dog pegged too. Addie likes to talk and tell stories, and they are increasingly gibberish with sprinkles of enunciation. Watching a person become a person is pretty awesome and humbling.

Christmas is nigh and it is wonderful to enjoy the general goodwill everyone seems to have during the season. I love having Bill and Suzi with us, and Christmas has taken on an entire new undertone of specialness with our babies in this life. It's easy to believe that with the level of perfection in the universe for things working well most of the time (with limitless variables), there must be some unifying power, or God, or energy. My girls remind me of where I came from somehow, and how far I came to get here. And how lucky I am to be here. The holidays are a time to reflect on blessings.

Premeditated Lying

So, I am struggling with the whole "Santa Claus" lie. I have not specifically said anything to Gillian about the actual existence Santa Claus, except to ask her if she wants to go "see the man dressed like Santa Claus" at the mall. He freaked her out, by the way. I read her Christmas books that include things about Santa Claus, but she probably thinks about his role in them as she does any fictional character in any book she has. I feel like the absurdity of the story is almost insulting to her intellect... a fat guy with facial hair lives someplace no one could really survive long term with a team of mythical and definitely non-existant elves who toil for the entire year making toys (that look suspiciously like those made in American toy factories), with reindeer who somehow have the ability to fly (with no wings, which truly perplexes her), and pull a cart with the fat guy and a bag of toys that is bottomless enough to give a gift to every kid on earth (at least the millions that believe in him, and, obviously, the ones that are not living in poverty who have better things to worry about than whether or not they are getting gifts from St. Nick), and do it all in a single night (even with the time zones being where they are and starting where the 25th first appears is a fantastic notion). This part of the holiday season is probably one of the most annoying examples of American excess and I really kind of hate it.

But somehow, in spite of Sean and I not really pushing this story, it has seeped into Gillian's worldview. Maybe Anna has talked to her about it, or maybe Luella, or maybe the books... I try most often to read her the book about the birth of Christ, and leave the greed-inducing stories of Santa out of it. I guess I am railing against the Capitalist mecca of this holiday. It seems so insincere, and silly, and cheap to talk about Santa Clauses and flying reindeer and bottomless bags of gifts. My spine definitely stiffens when I hear people threatening no gifts for their child "if Santa finds out you aren't being a good girl". The gifts are better explained as a tradition started with the gifts brought to Christ at His birth.

All that said, there are memories everyone I know has of the excitement of Christmas morning and seeing the gifts "Santa brought". I remember trying to stay up and listen hard for the sound of hoofs on the roof (even though we didn't have a chimney in Florida), looking out my window for Rudolf's red nose glowing in the night sky, and finally passing out and missing it every year. I remember leaving out milk and cookies (that my mother never protested making) that mysteriously disappeared every Christmas Eve. But I also remember the hurt, disappointment, and anger I felt when I realized my parents lied to me for years about the fact that Santa was real when he wasn't (though when some kid told me he wasn't real and I asked my mom, she only said "he's real if you believe in him"). Kindof like when they told me my grandfather was going to get better and he died Christmas eve when I was 10 years old. Lying is unkind, no matter what. With Gillian, I try HARD to "tell the truth, tell the truth, TELL THE TRUTH." She deserves my respect, and this mammoth lie makes me more than uncomfortable.

I don't want my kid to be the one running around bursting the Santa Bubbles of other kids, either, but this is really hard for me. Is there some middle ground where we can enjoy the story of Santa Claus, tongue in cheek even, and have a "santa" gift every year knowing it is only in fun, while respecting the various levels of belief other people have in this tradition? I need more time to mull this one over...

Thanksgiving

Gillian on the dock at the Farm
View of the farm from the river

We got home a week ago from a lovely trip to Florida for Thanksgiving. We spent our time at Sean's family's river house down in Green Cove Springs, about 45 minutes south of Jacksonville. It was generally restful and a great timebeing with our family and friends. As I mentioned in my previous post, things started a bit rough with two sick little girls, but all in all the trip went about as smoothly as it possibly could have.

Our fabulous neighbor and Gillian's surrogate aunt, Darla, took us to the airport and picked us up when we got home. I want to take a second and extoll the virtues of Darla, for whom I am eternally grateful. Gillian has no family here and Gillian has decided Darla is our family. Darla takes Gillian on dates and for walks and bike rides around the block. Darla brings Gillian Peanuts holiday specials to watch and makes her dresses. Gillian loves Darla and Darla loves Gillian. So, Darla took us with about a small apartment's worth of stuff to the airport. We had:
3 duffle bags
2 car seats
2 instruments
1 purse
1 backpack
1 breast pump
1 camera bag
1 DVD player and bag
1 stroller

If you had seen us, you would wonder if we were moving an entire household or just most of one. It really is silly how much one has to bring for a 5 day trip when there are two kids involved, one of whom was 4.5 months old.

Anyway, planning for the worst, we left three hours before the flight. We ran into no traffic the day before Thanksgiving at 8am. Weird. We got there with a comfortable 2 hours before the flight and there was no one waiting in the ticketing line the day before Thanksgiving at 9 am. Weird. We mosied through the ghost town that was security, and got to our gate. Gillian ate her breakfast, and we had an uneventful flight. The connecting gate was next to the arrival gate, which was good with our 30 minute layover. We got in to Jax and so did our luggage and life was good. Addie didn't even lose it until 20 minutes before we got to the Farm.

Wednesday we spent the evening with Sean's parents, grandmother, and fabulous cousin William and his intelligent, beautiful new wife, Erin. Sean and William are both musicians and played for a long time by the fire after some of Suzi's delicious etouffe for dinner while Erin and I talked for hours. Thanksgiving day, the rest of the family arrived, including Auntie Kim and cousin Liz...about 20 in all, I think. There was lots of food and drinks and catching up, and shooting clays off the dock. It was a great day and the food was phenomenal. I don't think Suzi came out of the kitchen until Friday. Friday we relaxed in the morning and left Gillian with Nonni and Grandaddy while Sean, Addie, and I headed into town to visit my brother's daughter Amber and my sister-in-law and then we had a great dinner at William and Erin's place (William cooked us an amazing Thai dish).

Addie with Auntie Kim

Sean and William
Addie with William and Erin

Saturday we had a great, albeit short, visit with one of my oldest and closest friends and her family. Gillian would have loved to keep Laurel, but Laurel was shy. Laurel was just starting to enjoy herself and warm up when they left. Needless to say, we blew bubbles, planted an imaginary garden, and made playdough monsters before that. Unfortunately, a sick and overtired Gillian threw one monster fit before that that lasted an hour before she went down for her nap. Well, it's never perfect ;-) Suzi and Bill cooked a wonderful dinner for all of us and the girls ate at the kid tabel and watched a Christmas DVD. Suzi overhead Gillian lean over, tap Laurels plate with her fork and say "Eat Your Dinner, Laurel." (enunciating with each tap) As if. Gillian has the appetite of an inchworm. Laurel could run laps around Gillian's eating habits any day.

Gilly and I with Martha and Laurel
Beautiful Laurel

Sunday was Addie's big day and she was baptized at the church where Sean was baptized 36 years ago. We were so blessed to have both her godparents there (Kim and William), her grandparents there, and both of her great-grandmothers for whom she is named. Also, lots of other friends and family joined us to celebrate both at the church and at the restaurant where Bill and Suzi hosted a wonderful brunch. Gillian had another run in with her Licking third cousin (Cooper) who said to his mother "But, I LOVE her." Gillian runs him, and he takes it. Sounds like it's meant to be. She definitely played hard to get with him, telling him when he came to our table during lunch, "go back and sit in your chair and eat your lunch, Cooper." Bossy. But, in the end, they had a lot of fun together picking flowers and playing chase.

with grandparents and greatgrandparents
Gillian and Cooper
Adelaide with her great-grandmother Adelaide and her awesome Nonni!

Sunday afternoon when we got back to the river, we took Gillian for her first boat ride in a decrepit old boat Sean and Bill nursed back to health and enjoyed a gorgeous view of the river and a natural creek, but on the way back the engine died. Luckily, two very nice men docking their own boat gave us a tow back to our dock. Gillian told me "I like the big boat better". Well, it was clean, didn't have a leak, and didn't have any spiders, so I did too. But we were glad to have had a chance to see the river that way. It was a lot of fun, and Gillian is not the least bit afraid of jumping up and down in a boat cruising along the river. Monday we got up and left, and went to the playground Sean played at as a child, had lunch, and went home.

View of the creek from the river
G and I

Sunset

All in all, we have a fantastic trip. Addie didn't mind being passed around, Gillian soaked up the attention of her scores of admirers, and we enjoyed the company of people we love. We are truly blessed and appreciate everything Bill and Suzi did to make it such a special, stress-free vacation!

Gillian basked in the sun of Bill and Suzi's affection!

House of Ill

Things have been rough around here on the health front. Addie has had some serious eczema from the dryness up here (Sean and I have regular bloody noses-ah, radiator heat!). Sadly, she didn't get that gorgeous Charbonnet skin. Nope. She got freckly, fragile, crow-feet ridden Irish skin. So, soap irritates her skin, and moisturizer irritates her skin (even 98% natural Burts Bees baby lotion). So, we had to do steroid cream for 2 weeks to get it under control and now we slather her with Aquifor twice a day. The doctor said to "bathe her less than once a week if possible." She also said that we already clean the part of her that needs to be cleaned eight times a day. Touche.
In other news, Gillian and Addie got sick the night before we left for our trip to Florida for Thanksgiving. In usual fashion, Gillian was miserable (at least physically) during our entire trip. I can honestly say, of all our travels to visit Nonni and Grandaddy, Gillian has been well exactly once. It started with congestion and progressed to coughing, then to vomiting and nausea. Just to be generous, she then passed it along to the rest of us (and by "us" I mean her own family + two others). Sean threw up all day Thursday of last week, and Thursday afternoon at work, I threw up on the floor of the lobby when I was on my way to catch a cab home (trying to get home before the inevitable flat didn't work). If you doubt how serious my concern that I might be dying, consider that I paid $30 for a cab ride home when I have a free train pass. Of my own money.

Addie threw up a few times Friday morning and her weird listlessness freaked my bean. I was stressed about dehydration. But, all in all, the vomiting was short lived- Gillian threw up for 18 hours, Sean for about 6, Addie for 1, and me just the once. The nausea persists for all at the moment. The doc said it is likely an adenovirus, known for starting in your eyes/nose/throat and working it's way down. All I know is that is was the most aggressive onset of any illness of my life that wasn't food poisoning. Thankfully, it wasn't worse, and no needed IV fluids or died. I have read about the joys of families passing bugs around and now there's four of us to share the love.