Saturday, August 30, 2008

To my Daughter

Dear Gillian-

When you're old enough to read this, you might be surprised by how many intimate details of your life I shared so publicly. You might be embarrassed that I explained in painstaking detail, for the world to see, about things like your bowel movements (and subsequent experimentation using your own excrement as a new art form), or your moments of blazing divaness, and endless photos and videos of you nude or near nude (though I have been careful to keep your non-generic baby parts off limits, so I deserve a tiny bit of credit). I have written about the good and the bad of our experience together, because if I had only written about the good I would be bearing false witness to my own experience as a parent. And no child, even you (my amazing girl), is perfect.

I guess I do all this documenting so as not to forget the intimate details of our lives, at various moments, as we move through them together. I want to preserve these hourglass grains, to freeze them, so I can take them out any time I want, relish them, and remember us as we were along the way. One day, when you have something in your life you love more than anything else you have ever loved, you might also feel the desire to remember every second you have in that space.

And even in the shadow days, the days of transition, the ones where we have worn eachother so thin we're see-through...even then I love you. My awareness of just how much is made that much more clear by the perspective of our emotional highs and lows. These days, right now, are days like that. But even in the middle of this maelstrom, there are moments where you fill me up so much I overflow. For example, the other day you stubbornly insisted on carrying the two oranges we bought at the grocery all the way home, one in each arm. Even though you dropped them a lot along the way, you wouldn't put them in the bag and carry it. Because you had decided how you foresaw our trip home, and it included an orange tenderly cradled in each arm, and hell or high water, that is exactly the trip you intended to have...

Then there are days that glisten like diamonds-perfect days that feel like a dream. Days where I find myself thinking about how I'd always hoped being a parent would be like this. We play and I scoop you up-you are so small-and we laugh and we sing. Sometimes you pucker your little cupid's bow mouth and lean in for a kiss, which is usually followed by your favorite thing these days-a "Big Hug". For the record, there is not much else I'd rather be doing than sitting or standing anywhere with your tiny little arms wrapped around my neck, hands patting me on the back like you're the Mama...

I apologize in advance for all the times I will disappoint you. Infalliability is a part of the human condition, and I assume we will hurt eachother along the way. I apologize if you ever feel neglected because I have to go to work so much. There will be times where I am out of town or deployed somewhere and we won't have our gilded moments together. I have to admit that even if I didn't have to work I would, because I need something for myself outside of our home. I perceive my place in the world as a parent, a woman, an artist, and a scientist. All those things have to maintain equilibrium so I can appreciate all the facets of my life. Although I fantasized a million times about the idea of staying home full time with children, I would not have been fulfilled having done so.

So, on the cusp of the close of your second year of life, know you are adored, completely. You teach me every day who I am and what I value.

Love,
Your Mama

Thursday, August 21, 2008

What we've been up to...

LOADS of fun with the illustrious Elliot Harvey, her pal and cohort in the back yard:



And, our girl graduating to playing AND singing...not words, but still. The girl's got skillz!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. (in our case Ms.) Hyde

I keep hoping this is a phase, and not what the Terrible Twos look like. My darling, precious girl, who happily (and independently) entertains herself and plays well with others all day long turns into a raging train wreck the minute I walk in the door from work (or 80% of the time on weekends when I'm with her, these days). This behavior started a couple of months ago and seems to be getting more intense lately, and I'm trying to figure out what it's all about. I can safely say that Gillian has always been strong willed, stubborn, and headstrong. These attributes are becoming caricatures of themselves, bigger and rounder and more bulbous as we enter this era of our experience together. And while I would never wish her to be a wallflower, it wouldn't be SO bad if she could tone it down a *little*.

I know what "they" say about attachment and separation anxiety with the mother, blah, blah, blah, and I've heard well meaning souls say things like "she only does it because she feels safe with you" and "she knows you won't love her any less if she throws tantrums". All I can say to that is "God, give me a break!". This is not a contrived thing. This is a fit of passion and absolute muleheadedness about not getting her way, nothing more and nothing less.

I can't cook, I can't do laundry, I can't make dinner, I can't do anything without her clinging to my legs screaming and crying, begging to be picked up. When we're engaged and playing or out together, she is wonderful and sweet (most of the time, anyway), but the moment my attention turns elsewhere, Ms. Hyde comes out. Obviously, the fact that I have always given her my undivided attention when I'm home has backfired. I never thought that would be a bad thing, but here we are. I should have forced this some by ignoring her a little bit, but then the guilt of depriving her of my loving attentiveness (when she already misses out on it 48 hours a week) sets in.

This has gotten to the point where I think some discipline is in order, and this morning she had her first time out (in her crib, for about a minute). I think we might have to give that a try more often, though I was hoping we wouldn't have to resort to it so soon. Time out was wildly unpopular, as you might imagine. But, the next time I asked her to do something and started counting to three, she did it.

So, we're entering uncharted territory. The Terrible Twos. But if I may have the audacity to beg The Powers That Be for three things, they are- PLEASE don't let recent wake up time (we're averaging 5:45 or 6 AM) be permanent, PLEASE let these molars come in very soon and give us all relief (today would be great), and PLEASE let this recent behavior be teething related!!!!

Ack. I am feeling very bipolar about where we're at. The great things are SO great, and the challenges are SO challenging.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sleeping shambles

So, our most excellent sleeper is having issues. We're all having issues. My big plan (outlined in my previous post) to put G to bed later (9pm) didn't work. She still woke up, spry as ever, ready to play and greet the darkness with chipper little "HI MAMA! HI PAPA!"s in our ears at 6 am. Today made me decide we would try the opposite extreme. This morning she woke up at 5:30 am...fell asleep in her car seat at 9:30 am, slept 35 minutes, woke up ready to go go go, and then napped from 1:45-3pm. There were moments today when I was laying on the floor playing with her and caught myself dozing off while we were reading books (that's what weeks like this can do to a person). So, I decided to maybe try putting her down at her old bedtime- 7:15. I timed everything beautifully, and it seemed things were going well. We snuggled, rocked, had a bottle, read a book, and she seemed to want to go to bed. Just like the Good Old Days.

That is until a minute after I stopped responding to "Mama?" through the crack in the door and all hell broke loose. Screaming, freaking out, that gurgly cry that sounds like she's being strangled (I gave this 10 minutes)... I went back in to make sure she was ok and she got this huge smile on her tear-stained little face and said "NO Nite-Nite." Emphatically, just like that. The only thing that would have made it any more clear that she wasn't having any of this going to bed business would have been a good stomping of her tiny, very flat foot (thanks, Papa) to further articulate this flaming stubbornness. I gave her more Motrin, more Oragel, and held her next to her crib for 10 minutes or so. She seemed calm enough to try going to bed again (even leaning toward the mattress after some kisses like she always does), and this time, I was determined to let her scream until she went to sleep if necessary (since clearly the horrific demon cries were more because she didn't want to go to sleep that the fact that anything specific was wrong).

It was necessary. It took exactly 53 minutes for her to stop crying like that. 53 agonizing minutes that I spent wishing I could comfort her (and more specifically, make that sound stop). So much for putting her to bed early, since she cried herself to sleep at about 8:40... *sigh*

I have to think (and pray) that the reason for this is her molars (and not the new Way Things Are). I mean, the teething has correlated with the erratic sleep pattern. It's just that we're ALL exhausted and can't get any decent sleep. Why, when she can't even stay awake through mid-morning, would she continue to do this super early wake up routine?!? Thoughts/advice from anyone who has been through this? We're out of ideas...

***EDITED TO ADD (at 5am the next morning)***:
The end of this story: Gillian woke up at 1 am in pain (the cry gives it away), so we dosed her with Tylenol, Orajel, and gave her a bottle and she went back to sleep. She has been screaming since 4:45 am (when we dosed her with Motrin and Orajel), and is crying to "get down". I have to travel this morning and am leaving in 30 minutes. Needless to say it has been a rough night.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

"Not So Fast" and other anecdotes

Not So Fast

Gillian has always slept like a brick made of lead. She has always slept from bedtime till about 8 am (and the intermittent 8:30 or 9 am, even more heavenly). This was a greater luxury than we could ever have imagined...as was clear with the withering look of "WE ARE SO NOT SORRY FOR YOU" I got when bemoaning this to Sarah and Manda the other day. Their children, for the record, are very early risers, and appear to have always been early risers. So, when I was whining about waking up at 5:30 or 6 am, they didn't feel much compassion. And Sean and I, not even close to morning people (though I miraculously manage to leave my house at 6 am every day for work), never truly understood their early-rising pain. A couple of weeks before the Big Girl Bed, Gillian started waking up at 6 am. Not just waking up, but waking up crying/shrieking this horrible crying like she's had a terrible dream. The kind of crying that startles you awake like you're having a heart attack and you jump out of bed to go see what the matter is.

Then after a glorious week in the Big Girl Bed, waking still at 6 am, she decided to start waking up somewhere between 12 and 2 am and staying awake for a few hours (the first of these coincided with the night of our giant electrical storm that knocked our power out for 24 solid hours; Gillian slept through the ungodly amount of huge thunder crashes and lightening and driving rain, but woke up after it ended and couldn't go back to sleep (it was about 90 degrees and HUMID). This happened a few nights, and after tending to her, giving her a bottle, etc., etc., she would cry and it would be agonizing for all involved, and we had to sleep train again. Letting her cry it out only took two nights this time, but it was still pretty painful. She's a bit more stubborn than she was when she was 6 months old... Anyhoo, we decided it's back to the crib for now. And we are also experimenting with going to bed later (between 8:30 and 9pm instead of 7:30-8pm). With the early rising, she sometimes falls asleep while she's eating or naps way too early if she's going to bed at 8; generally she isn't getting enough sleep. Last night we put her to bed at 8:45 pm, and she slept until 8:30 this morning. Now, THAT's more like it! We'll see if it works tonight. If it keeps working, then her new bed time is 8:45ish. We'll give the other bed a go when we feel more confident that she is back into a good sleep routine.

Ta-da!

I am building a puppet theater. I have never worked wood before, and so far it's a blast! Gillian loves puppets, and thank God her puppets finally came a few days ago (we ordered them two weeks before that). She had been resorting to making puppets out of the shirt she was wearing (makes its mouth go "ra-ra-ra-ra!" and then laughing like she just heard the best joke all day). Anyway, she now has enough puppets for all four kids that are here three times a week to wear one on each hand. For My-Child-Who-Likes-To-Animate-Everything puppets are a perfect fit for her budding imagination.

Singing

Gillian likes to strum her green ukelele (which she loves to tune to aurally displeasing (for us, anyway) chords) and sing to Allison Krauss. If I ever get around to downloading her videos from the camera and edit this one to an uploadable size, I will show you. It is awesome.

Bums

Gillian LOVES bums. She loves my bum. She loves Papa's bum. She loves her own bum. A LOT. She spends quite a bit of time talking about bums. She likes to note everyone in the room (and those not even in the house) who has a bum. I heard her exclaim from my room (while watching Sean get dressed), "PAPA'S BUM! SILLY PAPA!". So, shoes are out and bums are in as far as topics of current fascination. Oh, and my breasts. Bums and Boobies (booo-ees). Which is fine, except in public. Being fondled in public by a toddler is a little weird. But there are weirder things.

Eating

Life is so good in this department. Gillian can tell us what she wants to eat! She can tell us when she's hungry! SHE'S EATING BLACK BEANS AND LOVING THEM!! This is a far cry from the way things once were. I sat there today, eyes welling with pride, while I watched her eat a plate of black beans and cheese, cherry tomatoes, and chicken. Everyone is so much happier when Gillian eats.

SUMMARY

I know I have said this before, but this age is my favorite so far. The playing is great, the communication is so much more interpretable, the endearing things seem so much sweeter now that I am 100% sure of what is intended... Not that it's always a walk in the park. Ahem, let's use a different cliche, since a walk in the park doesn't denote ease to me the way it once did. Not that it's a cake walk. There are moments (like today in Home Depot when Gillian was laying on the filthy floor screaming at the top of her lungs because I wouldn't let her play with various Sharp and Dangerous Things) where you would love to leave your child exactly where they are and sneak out the back door, Beastly Baby style. That said, Gillian is awesome, watching her become so clever and creative and kind is my favorite thing to do, and seeing her interact with other equally fabulous little kids is one of the most riveting courses in human sociology ever.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Big Girl Bed

Gillian has started sleeping in her toddler bed. I put it together Tuesday, and couldn't get her off of it, she was so excited. I figured we'd just leave it there for her to check at at her leisure, and not pressure her to sleep in it. Thursday night she asked to sleep in it. I wasn't sure about how it would go. We did our usual routine, and it was time to go to sleep. I told her to get in her bed, which she did, and she asked for her sheet, like every night. I covered her and gave her a kiss and told her goodnight. As I was walking out, we did our little "Nite-nite" exchange a few times, per usual. As I was pulling the door to, I got a lump in my throat and a little eye stinging. "She's growing up", I, quite heavily, thought to myself. I didn't want to close the door and walk away. I desperately wanted to go pick her up and hug the last vestiges of baby to me, but I didn't. I was prepared for this transition to be tricky for her, but definitely wasn't prepared for it to be hard for me.

Since Thursday, she has slept in her bed every night. She loves her bed, and she sleeps the whole night through. I guess one day soon, we will break the crib down and store it. When I'm ready.