The second generation

I had the pleasure of seeing the fabulous women (less one singular and awesome Sarah Mesle) of our original playgroup (Rogers Park Mamas (RPMs) est. Jan 2007) this past Sunday. Our inspirational and extremely altruistic Roxanne was even here (all the way from Africa). We have missed her SO MUCH, an it was a joy to see her new beautiful babe (Evangeline) and the all-grown-up Annikah. Roxanne and her family have been in Tanzania building a vocational school for the locals since June of 2008, but had to come back stateside due to pregnancy complications. Luckily, all are healthy and well now, but Roxanne and her family are going back to Tanzania to finish their work there in the next 6 weeks or so. Needless to say, she awes me with her strength and intelligence, and her experience in Tanzania is humbling in a million ways. It challenges everything she thought she knew about everything. But she is there, working hard to make the lives of the people better (her blog is a great read and she does an excellent job of illuminating her experiences).

Shayna's rockstar husband (literally AND figuratively) entertained the older kids, while us mamas and babies bonded. It is surreal to see our next wave of babies being born. Megan's little one is due any day now! Below is a collage of photos, from the earliest (when the kids were 3 months old) to now (the kids are three and a half years old). The have grown in warp speed, and it is bittersweet. The meeting and how we are all still so connected after all these years speaks to the strength of the bond of motherhood...and I am grateful for that.

(January 2007, our first meeting)

(March 2007)

(May 2007)

(September 2007, One year Bday party!)

(January 2008)

(May 2008)

(January 2010)

Wave #2!!! Jauary 2010

Girls January 2010

Belligerant

So, this post is one I have been meaning to write about for ages, but it exhausted me to even think about rehashing, so I put it off forever and ever. I guess not ever, or I wouldn't be addressing it now.

In my wide world, no one ever told me about what happens when your kid gets verbal enough and smart enough to start challenging every.thing.you.say. I suppose some kids are always angelic and well behaved (or are those only the ones that grown up to be sociopaths?), but I think most people, behind closed doors and whether or not they're willing to admit it, have a secret hell I like to call THREENESS. This is the age of testing you. All the time. They are pushing to find the edges of acceptability every second of every day. How many times has someone told me that toddlers are the most hard working scientists on the planet? and almost no one notices. These people are virtual human behavior sponges, noting everything you do, everything you say, and reminding you of it all the time when there is an inconsistency.

Gillian is no exception, obviously. I have never been afraid to admit that my kid isn't the easiest kid to every fall to earth. In many ways, she is amazing. But, she is trying to find out where the boundaries of her world are, and she is happy to test them to make sure they are what we said they are over and over again. Kids are pretty smart about morphing into Paris, and deftly manipulating any weakness they see or even think they sense in you, your partner, or anyone else, for that matter. If you bend at the grocery store to whining because she wants to break open the bag of Goldfish, prepare to deal with that consequence with whining over Goldfish every trip forever onward. It's almost like our cat Booger, who has never forgotten the two occasions when squirrels lived on the air conditioning unit in Gillian's room (the last of which was 1.5 years ago), and who sits longingly in her room every day waiting for their return. He memory is long for the things she chooses to remember. Like cats, like kids.

You almost have to do toddler bootcamp, and not let anything slide long enough to train them. Frankly, the idea of getting on Gillian every time she yells at Addie's door during naptime, or hugs her too tight around the neck, or telling us what to do and when to do it, or just run of the mill defiance makes me tired. But, according to my therapist, this learning curve is fairly brief (and you simply state the rule, why it is the rule, and implement the consequence). She recommends behavior modification to help the child learn to internalize boundaries and take emotion out of the picture. The rules are simply the rules. So, next weekend, we will launch the Gillian/Mama/Papa Sanity Program. She recommends a bucket or jar of tokens (colorful ones, like Mardi Gras or pirate coins), where you start off with a handful. Good behaviors = the child gets to put a coin in the jar. Bad behaviors = the child has to take one out of the jar. At the end of the day (at this age, it fills up or empties quick...later on it's weekly) if the child has coins left in the jar, he/she gets a treat or some special activity. The idea is that the child will start self-policing, and that Sean and I will help her by removing control from the equation completely. She will see that she is in control of her own behavior, and we are not good or bad, and the rules are not good or bad. They just are what they are. So, maybe we'll start with princess stickers. She will get one nice princess sticker at the end of the day if she has coins left in the jar. If it's the middle of the night and she jolts us out of precious sleep screaming like she's dying so we can come fix her covers or pick up her lovie off the floor, we will bring the jar to her so she can take a coin out. It seems the fact that SHE has to add to or take away from the jar is key. Too often we get sarcastic or grating when she deliberately does stuff like the middle of the night thing or grabbing Addie by the neck (it's the knowing glint in her eye that tells us she knows EXACTLY what she's doing that is so unnerving)...reverting to frustration is still a response, and that is what she's shooting for. So, you use a matter-of-fact tone of voice when you present the rule and consequence of the action. At the end of a week, we will DO something special if Gillian ends the previous 7 days with 5 days of coins (go to the movies, go out for ice cream, etc.).

My initial thought with this is "I am not a fan of rewarding behavior she should have anyway". But, we have not been successful in the calm banishment to time out, nor have we been consistent with follow through with threats of discipline, so this seems pretty simple. I'll report back with how it's working.

By the way, we have a crawling, sitting baby on our hands!

On the move

Addie is about to give Gillian a run for her money. Now, it won't be in the unique fashion that Gillian got around. If I was a betting woman, I would say Addie will be a traditional "hands and knees" crawler. But she is definitely persistent, and seems to have a pretty good sense of object permanance already, which is always fascinating to watch evolve.

Here is Addie's current rock n' roll mobility:


In other news, Gillian was a regular dream daughter today, which, if you know Gillian's wild spirit, is a blessed occasion. On her fabulous days, she is helpful, polite, and generous. This gives me hope because it tells me somewhere inside her demonic 3-year-old psyche, there are honest-to-God values becoming entrenched that are decent and good. Most days, though, are "test ya till I break ya" days and those days end with us in comas going to bed early because there is no other option. Today, Gillian was a regular Donna Reed. She helped me make Addie's avocados, butternut squash, and sweet potatoes. She entertained Addie while I cleaned dishes. She helped baste the chicken, and enjoyed seasoning it. She set the table. I find if I can channel her energy and give her some responsibility, she gets all puffed up and peacockish, proud of being "so big". She was a bit put off by my story of why the chicken was dead, and accused farmers of being "bad guys". When I explained that chickens were raised to be eaten, well, that worked for her. Then she named our dinner "Poor Sad Dead Chicken". After that, she fed Addie and helped me bathe her. I kept thinking "can we keep THIS Gillian, and send the hellion back till she comes to her senses?" I will save my moral issues with discipline for another post, but suffice it to say, Gillian is in need of boundaries made of granite (she would NEVER do well at a Waldorf or Montessori program), and we are about to change how we discipline her in a big way. This was prompted, in my mind, by her telling me (when Addie was sleeping) "You have to play with me right now Mama, or I might scream and wake Addie up." Wow. Threats from a 3 year old. Time to stop talking and explaining so much and start a consistent response for just about every transgression.




The talking/babbling is coming along too. When Bill and Suzi were here for Christmas, Addie started imitating speech. It's a happy, crazy noisy house we've got here. Sounds all full of life. And I love that!


And I will leave you with a few recent pictures. I believe we are on the brink of losing the coolest avant garde characters ever in favor of trying-to-be-more-realistic. But at least we still have plenty of imagination when it comes to play. Like, Gillian was "playing" with my belly yesterday. Making "him" talk and stuff. She shall never be bored.