Friday, January 28, 2011

Our bedtime prayer

We are bringing Gillian up Catholic, as most of you know. We have endless amazing conversations about God and death and angels. I realize I haven't ever shared anything about this topic, so I'll start with our bedtime prayer.

We chose this prayer last summer, and Gillian learned it pretty fast. The reasons we chose this particular prayer are numerous. Sweet child's prayer? Check. Nice message? Check. Angels, blessings, humility? Check. Check. Check. No reference to dying in your sleep? Check!
*************************************
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Guard me Jesus through the night
And wake me with the morning light.

Father in heaven hear my prayer
Keep me in thy loving care
Be my guide in all I do
And bless all those who love me too.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Bless this bed I sleep upon
Four corners to my bed
Four angels surround my head
One to watch and one to pray
And two to keep all harm away.

Help us to do the things we should
To be to others kind and good
In all we do and all we say
To grow more loving every day.

Friday, January 21, 2011

So Big!



Our chatterbox is starting to make more sense and I love these initial and elementary conversations...I am trying to document the sweet way she says things...like everyone she recites nite-nite to before bed. Nite-nite Papa, nite-nite Gilly ("geeee")...nite-nite Nonni...nite-nite Grandaddy ("Da-eee")...nite-nite Anna (perfect On-Ya)...nite-nite Julie ("jooo-ee")...nite-nite Monika...nite-nite Darla ("daw-ya")...nite-nite Hauky...nite-nite fishy.

Night, night precious angel.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Willpower and Exorcism

Do you ever experience the depth of your child's irrationality, rage, and will and think, "I don't remember signing up for this?". Last night was one of Gillian's biggest doozy of a fit ever. And it was over a pen. 60 minutes of blood curdling screaming, kicking, flailing, hyperventilating glory because I wouldn't let her mark up her piano lesson book. (She tricked me by asking for it so she could "do [her] homework" which was writing a few quarter notes, but really wanted to draw on every page "to show the teacher [I] did my homework"). She was precious and happy when she walked in the door at dinner time from the lesson, and all excited to show me what she learned at her first piano lesson ever. By all accounts, she did great, and absolutely loved it (she asked, "can I go to piano class every day?") but I think the day was a little overstimulating for her.

Sometimes parenting feels like detective work. Or endurance marathoning. Or both. What was true underlying stress that the emotional pen trigger let loose? Surely not taking a pen away. I carried her, kicking and screaming for the pen, to her room (I had warned her that if she didn't calm down we were going to bed instead of practicing). In the room, I asked her to brush her teeth so we could read. Emphatic denial and more "I WANT THE PENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" (hyperventilate, hyperventilate, hyperventilate) "P-P-P-EEEEENNNNNNN...NNNNN....NNNN....NNNN!!!!!!!!!!!" to which I carried her to the bathroom and brushed her teeth for her. The I turned off the light, (inadvertantly turning the focus to the books we weren't going to read because she didn't brush her teeth like I asked her to). Now it was "BB...B...BBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Well, no books. Still kicking and screaming. So I picked her up (while she was trying to hit me and kick me) and put her in my lap and rocked her and shhhh'd her and told her it was OK. This went on for about 35 minutes. Finally she calmed down-demons gone, sweet, sad girl in their place. I asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted the pen and to read books. I told her she has to do what I ask, or she loses privileges. I asked her if anything happened at school. She said no. I asked if anything made her sad and she said "I don't like being at aftercare by myself" and I said "what do you mean by yourself?" and she told me she was the very last child to be picked up today, and it was by her teacher instead of Sean or I (insert my heart breaking into approximately 952 pieces at how abandoned she felt). Her piano lesson is late because the music teacher is booked until 5:40, but we decided it was better to try music with someone she knows that she already has music class with and on an instrument that has no requirement of posture to have success. You press a key, it makes a sound that is in tune. Immediate gratification. So, that is the day Sean can go to the downtown shop for work, and he picked G up at 6:10 on his way home. I had dinner waiting when they got home. But she has to go to aftercare until then, which I didn't think would be bad since she has talked about it wistfully before (apparently quite a few kids in her class go to aftercare during the week). But she said "no one played with me" and that she was the last kid left of all of them-and there are quite a few of them (4 teachers to watch them all). This morning Sean asked her about this and she said some kids played with her, but not "right before piano class". So the truth is somewhere between "I felt horribly out of place" and "I had a fabulous time". Obviously, she felt awkward in the new situation, so we talked about how maybe when you're the new kid, it takes a while to meet new friends, just like at camp last summer when she didn't know anyone. Enter Mama the Shrink. Then we snuggled, said prayers, and she was asleep within 2 minutes. Luckily Addie was not bothered by any of it, and slept right on through the Sleepocolypse.

In these instances, you have to have the patience and calm of a leaf, and I reached deep last night. My conclusion was that Gillian didn't do great with a change of routine, which reminds me of how her father does when there is a change of routine. She held it together until she was in the safety of my sphere, when she could completely melt down and still be loved in spite of herself. Now she knows what to expect and we'll see if next week is better. When I asked if after care was worth waiting for her music lesson, she was very clear that it was. I am thrilled that she seems to like learning an instrument.

It's like every other argument/emotional meltdown you ever have with anyone-10% is about the issue at hand, and 90% is about some other baggage that is turning your switch. It is some serious effort to start trying to recognize what those "leftovers" are, but learning them in others is like learning to navigate a landmine. It is a necessity.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Chill

All is right in the universe at this moment. There are soft, deliberate puffs of snow taking their time to the ground (this is not typical during the day in Chicago-usually we have horizontal blinding hell; soft snow is usually nights and early morning). There is a fire in the new fireplace, and there are two babies napping. We survived church, sick and all, remarkably well. The Bears are currently winning this playoff game. I'm not sure how much better things could be.

It's funny. I had a great night out with girlfriends on Friday. It is a serious blessing to be able to really share with people about the trials and tribulations of your life, and of theirs, openly, and know it's safe to do that. I love these women and I respect them, so much. And somehow it makes me feel that all the struggles I have with parenthood and moving on in life is not unique to my life. Everyone has some challenge somewhere. And it was ironic how we all decided that the challenges we were given have been tailored to us...and that no one else would deal with them as gracefully or as well as we do. It's easy to feel that I'm being judged for how I manage my extremely spirited children, and to wish they could just behave themselves sometimes (in my moments of utter worn-downness) but they are my girls, and I have to believe that in order for them to become who they are intended to be, this is who they have to be right now. And I have to love them, unconditionally, warts, daisies, and all (as they have to love me the same way). And I have to be gentle with myself, and know I'm doing the best I can. And I need to not compare the behavior of other kids to mine. They are not my kids, and their parents have their own challenges. I do know that one day, my girls will be very self-aware, very sure of who they are and what they want, and very capable of doing what they want all by themselves. If I was a complete hard ass I would crush the spirit of children who are vibrant and wonderful. But I balance that with not being a pushover, either. Some days Gillian has many time outs. And they are almost ALWAYS for how she interacts with Addie.

It did make me feel better to know that one of my friends (with a daughter the same age as Gillian, and almost an identical personality) struggles with the same feelings I have sometimes. She and her husband are incredibly laid back, calm, gentle people. And they have a spitfire just like ours. So when I wonder what I'm doing to cause the behavior, I can rest assured that sometimes that's just the way she came out. This friend also said she was exactly like our girls when she was little, and she has grown up to be an excellent human being.

Another thing we talked about is that one of the women said she was having this weird crossroads where she is exactly where she planned to be, and now there was nothing else she had to achieve, and how incredibly freeaked out she was that there wasn't somewhere else to get to. I remember that exact feeling a year ago. I had my babies, I had my PhD, I have my home, and my great job, and my great husband. No one tells you that when you arrive at the top of the mountain, the awesomeness of reveling in your own accomplishment can be relatively short lived. What I did is decide to go to nursing school NEXT. Because there always had to be a NEXT. I guess that isn't unheard of in a chronic over-achiever. She is floundering, wondering about happiness when you have everything you want. I worked through this feeling and have really enjoyed the days since I decided to relax and live my life, all “A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving (Lao Tzu)” Buddhalike. My freshman year of college, I had a big posterboard of this poem on my refrigerator:

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still
for once on the face of the earth,
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for a second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would not look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.

Life is what it is about...

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with
death.

Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go. -Neruda

Yeah. It's kindof like that. We have created enough comfort and success in our lives that we have the luxury of leisure...sometimes that can result in some kind of emotional estrangement from ourselves. But, the beauty of having strong, amazing women in your life is that you are never, ever alone in anything you feel.

So, that snow outside that is floating like lazy little bubbles around and around...I want to be like that-happy to float without direction. I'm getting closer, every day. Except I don't have to travel alone. Beautiful life, I think, where we get to collide our consciousness with others. We get to learn from them and dance with them. We get to blend our colors into the tapestry of ever after.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Newish Things

1. Addie's fascination with plural things. She loves to say "doggie-EESSS" and "num-num PSSSS".
2. Trying to draw actual things. She will point and say "flower" or "ball", even if said picture looks nothing like what she says it is.
3. Dance choreography.
4. Trying to sing. I love this and want to try to catch her, but the video camera is always a few seconds too late!
5. Saying "please". The cuteness!
6. Sitting on the potty. She LOVES the potty. Like, unnatural love of the potty. Sadly she sits on it for days and then gets up and walks away and pees on the floor. We got it out expressly for the sole purpose of exposure, but she loves to just sit there and pretend to poop.
7. Laughing at her own flatulence. This has been a big favorite for some time. I *swear* we did not start this by laughing at her toots...she just thinks it fun to toot.

I'm sure I'll think of more. In other news, we're sick again. Gillian has had a fever about 103 for going on five days. Luckily no seizure, but it's been a pain to keep dosing her every three hours with ibuprofen and acetominophen. I worry about what it's doing to her liver. Yesterday at the doctor, they said it was probably from an ear infection, but didn't prescribe meds to help her, so we still have fever and she's been out of school all week. I went to drop something off at school and her teacher said seven kids in the class were out sick. UGGH.

The level of illness from having two children is exponential. Gillian did not have a single cold until she was 16 months old. Addie, on the other hand, has been sick for almost both of the entire winters she has lived through. I guess I couldn't keep her in a bubble like I kept Gillian in a bubble (RSV worries), and she has Gillian to bring all the viruses of the universe home with her from school on a daily basis.

Anyway, we hope for a quick recovery. She is missing her bud Francie to pieces, and we have had to cancel two playdates in the past week because of illnesses.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Christmas in New Orleans

We braved the holiday insanity to meet up with Gillian and Addie's Nonni and Grandaddy and Auntie Kim and Uncle Joey in New Orleans for Christmas. Aside from getting to the airport a full two hours before the flight...and having to be corraled to random airport hallways because the line was so long...and being told I couldn't get through security after all that with 30 minutes left before the flight was to leave because the ticketing agent didn't give me a boarding pass for Addie (lap child)...and I literally had to run back to ticketing to beg the agent to help me (and her *almost* NOT giving me the boarding pass because we didn't bring proof of Addie's age), and running back just in time to join Sean and Gillian at the front of the security line, then sprinting to the gate....well, things were great besides that.

Suzi picked us up in New Orleans, and remarkably on this trip not a single suitcase or child seat went missing...though sadly, we left our portable DVD player on the plane. We immediately went to a great Po Boy place for lunch. The kids were totally jazzed to see their grandparents, and we were all thrilled to get some food. Then we headed for an absolutely beautiful house in the Garden District that Bill and Suzi rented for a few days so we could all stay together and get some truly quality time together (in lieu of separate hotel rooms). The house was meticulously renovated, and in beautiful condition. Even better, the owner has a child about Addie's age and it was completely stocked with a gorgeous crib, changing table, high chair, and lots of fun new toys :-)




There was even a swing on the porch for Addie!

The first order of business when we arrived was a nap for the girls. Addie protested some, but she had been up for 9 solid hours and it didn't take long until she gave up and went to bed. Gillian was harder-she was so excited to see the grandparents she could barely stand to sit still. I had to go lay down with her to get her to rest, and in spite of myself, I went to sleep too...it couldn't be helped...it was the most beautiful and bright master suite that had giant windows and the french doors open, and white carpet and crisp white sheets with a warm cozy duvet and a cool breeze from outside. I felt like I was in a Tide commercial. In fact, it was such a great nap that we woke up when it was dusk and we did it every day we were there. Suzi was smart to bring some toys for the girls, including a sweet little doll that belonged to Kim that had a dress that matched Gillian's Christmas dress, and she also brought a little tree that they had a blast decorating:



Friday was Christmas Eve, and we started the day with Cafe DuMonde because we could. Beignets and cafe au lait were in order. Addie approved!


Then Nonni and Grandaddy took the girls out for some duck feeding and a trip to the zoo. Sadly, the camera batteries didn't make it past the duck feeding. Sean and I got to lounge around, take a bath in our sunken marble tub, and then go out to Casamentos (awesome (and divey) New Orleans oyster bar).

Lunch


Addie and Grandaddy feeding the ducks

Enjoying the ability to REST, for the first time not squandering the opportunity, we all took another luxurious (2+ hours) nap before a truly beautiful Christmas mass at 4pm. After mass we headed to Adee's for the annual Christmas Eve Party. Gillian was a little intimidated by the number of wild second cousins running crazy around the house, but Addie was in her element. It was nice to catch up with everyone attending, and introduce Addie to the larger family. Of course, Santa made an appearance, and it was the first time Gillian willingly sat on his lap (Addie, not so much). Of course, Gillian saw all her cousins go first and get a great gift, so that might have fueled her willingness to comply. The giant vat of etouffe filled the house with unimaginable aromas and dinner was fantastic, as always.

Gillian with Santa


Adee and a few of her 35 Great-grandchildren

The Family

Addie with her great-aunt Adelaide and Great-Grandmother Adelaide (3rd generation Addie (Gaudreau) Glasser-Sean's gorgeous cousin-not pictured)

This year, I chose to not be a stick in the mud and do the whole Christmas thing-completely. We looked for Rudolph's blinking red nose in the sky and when we saw it on the way into the house, Gillian was convinced we should all urgently go to bed because Santa wouldn't come if we were awake. So we hurriedly put out cookies and milk and she didn't even want books or a snuggle she was in such a hurry to go to bed. So, to bed she went. We had to tell her Santa was leaving the monster gift at our house in Chicago (because he knew it was too big for the airplane) so the Disney Princess Palace had to wait. The kids were wiped out anyway, so it wasn't nearly as hard as I expected getting them to bed.

Christmas morning was just magical and so much fun, and it was great to spend it all together. The girls got some quality time with Auntie Kim and Uncle Joey, and it was fun to just mill around and get ready leisurely for visiting Adee. The girls had their dresses from last year, which because they are both so tiny, they can still fit in, so they wore them for Christmas.

We went to Adee's and Addie fell asleep as we arrived, but was pretty jazzed once we got there. It was a more intimate lunch with Adee, and Suzi's sister Lisette, and it was really nice (Turkey Florentine, apple crisp, and salad). We then headed to Bill's sister and brother-in-law's house and it was mayhem. Sean's three cousins (Gordon, Jim, and Brian) were there with Gordon's wife Marcy and son Connor (11 months). The O'Learys know how to party and the party was underway. They didn't even hear the door things were so loud! But we had fun letting Gillian see them again and get to know them a little better (they had never met Addie). We headed back to the house for-you guessed it-a nap (at least for the kids and I; Kim, Joey and Sean went back to the O'Learys'!), and woke up just in time for some delicious grilling, compliments of Bill. After dinner Addie entertained us with some choreography. It was amazing how she did the same movement at the same part of the song over and over again...we almost killed ourselves laughing, too.

People drinking wine and entertained by dancing baby (wouldn't be the first time, right?)

Sunday came too fast and we headed to the airport amid many reports that it would be an act of God to get to Chicago. It wasn't as stressful getting to our gate this time because our neighbor Darla scanned Addie's birth certificate and emailed it to me, and it's a smaller airport. We did have some delays, but a few hours is nothing compared to some families stuck on tarmacs or in airports for all of Sunday. We got home with two exhausted little girls and Darla picked us up from the airport. Unfortunately a Bear's game was letting out and the trip home took twice as long as normal, but we got home safe and sound.

It was a wonderful, but too short, trip. The house is the way for us to visit when we're outside of Jacksonville or Tallahassee. Bill and Suzi did so much to ensure everyone's comfort, and we truly appreciate everything they did! Once again we were reminded of the multitudes of ways we are blessed...family is the greatest of those.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Immaculate

All my life I have struggled with clutter. I have always had a hard time letting go of things-sentimental or utilitarian. Sean has always been frustrated by my inability to consolidate STUFF and the constant state of borderline messiness of our house. I would say, most of the time people would have considered it pretty clean, but even then there were piles of mail, or paperwork, or a tupperware of random junk (batteries, barrets, keys, pens) on a table (particularly the mail table). On shelves there were the intermittent misplaced item, like Gillian Tiny Things (she, like her mother, likes to hold on to things that really should be tossed) like pet rocks, single screw on earrings, the random wooden bead (who had drawn on eyes, nose, and mouth) and toy pieces. The back sunroom was a collection of boxes, a clutter disaster of a roll top desk (which we could at least close and hide the junk), piles of catalogues, books, envelopes, and an unused piano. Our bedside table undershelves were piled with books we weren't reading, magazines, papers, and random minutia. This past fall, I was stressed beyond belief and I felt like I was forever chasing my tail-taking time from the kids to make the place livable because I would wait too long to take care of things until the pile seemed smotheringly, overwhelmingly gargantuan.

Something happened to me when we renovated our living room. Such an elegant setting as our new shelves and fireplace needed to be showcased. Furthermore, if I was going to maintain my mental sanity now being the mother of TWO, I had to get control of the kid toys that just added to the muddle of it all. I was even more determined after our trip to New Orleans for vacation, during which time Nonni and Grandaddy rented a GORGEOUS (fully renovated) house (more to come on that trip in the next day or two), to get our place in order. Because the owner of that house had a child, and her place still looks great-not messy in the least. Elegant. That's what I wanted, I decided. I was on a mission. I came home, unable to wait to attack my unorganized disaster of a house.

The first order of business-take down the Christmas Tree. I know some people love to leave it up for a month, but if I was going to get the piano out of the back sunroom and begin to rework that room for use, I had to get it out of there. So, after the kids were in bed THE DAY WE GOT HOME FROM CHRISTMAS, the tree and every iota of Christmas stuff was put away, shlepped to the basement storage unit for next year. I wet scrubbed the floor where the tree was and wiped down the baseboards. We pulled the piano from the back and put it on the north wall of the living room. It looks beautiful perpendicular to the new shelves and fireplace, with a violin photo hung above it in a substantial bird's eye maple frame. We got a gorgeous new wool rug from our neighbor that is very traditional, and it replaced our $25 Menard's indoor outdoor rug. But now the art on the wall didn't match. So, down it went (we will be on the lookout for a more spartan replacement). As did the bookshelves in the living room and the CD rack. A much cleaner look was in order if we are going to declutter. I put up the bookshelves in the back sunroom along the wall where the piano was (firmly attached to the drywall so no little climbing monkeys get crushed under their weight). I put our severely reduced number of miscellaneous books that wouldn't fit on the living room shelves on the top two shelves of each stack, and reserved the rest for Gillian's games and toy bins. We took the big fuzzy green rug from her bedroom and put it in the back and put the cute Fairy rug Nonnie game her in her bedroom. We set up her massive Princess Palace on the back room rug, open to the bins for easy access. The desk got a complete overhaul, and there isn't even a book left on the top, and inside the roll top is clean and orderly. The CD rack lives back there too, completely dusted (and concealed) so Addie doesn't pull all the CDs off and throw them on the floor.

The front playroom got relieved of all Gillian's toys that have little pieces that we were forever picking up when Addie got ahold of them. We packed up all the toys Addie was tired of or didn't play with anymore and created a giant box of toys to be donated to the Salvation Army. The front playroom bins were sorted and simplified. The pile of board games and coloring books and papers, and polly pockets, and junk was downsized and moved to the back room, neatly stacked on shelves. Now the front playroom is clean and organized, and nothing has to be balanced on curtain rods to keep the babies from getting them (so many things were balanced up there that the rod support was bent-boxes of markers, cash register money and coins, puzzles, art supplies, etc. etc.). Now there is just a rod and curtains.

The living room looks great-no cluttered piles. The only art on the walls is simple and doesn't create to much visual madness when coupled with the carpet. The mail table is completely bare and has mail that sits there exactly until bedtime-when I go through and shred what is not needed and file what is needed and what needs to be followed up on. The kitchen no longer has the random toy on counters or the window sill. The kitchen table is devoid of anything at all. The cabinets have been purged of all expired canned or boxed items, or anything I bought on impulse that I will never use. This month I am trying Costco-we bought lots of meat and dry goods to see how far into them month we can go, and if it will help us save some cash. My grocery spending has been out of control, and we are trying to get a handle on that and pull in the reins, good and tight, as well. We are trying to eat out a whole lot less. An evaluation of spending at the end of the month will tell us how we did. The corner of the dining room-former home of random bags and boxes and more piles-is bare and clean. There is nothing on top of the buffet table save two candles on bases.

It doesn't stop there-I came to work and did the same thing in my office-I filed every pile on my desk and my office floor. Only one working file at a time is on my desk, which I got every speck of dust off of with wet wipes. I archived 8,000 emails (not even kind-of kidding), so even my sent and inboxes are decluttered of the extraneous.

I guess I had an epiphany. If I am going to be happy and healthy, my life has to be in order. If my life is going to be in order, I need my things to be in order. Sean has been trying to tell me this for going on 11 years of marriage. For the first time in my life, everything in my house has its place. I can't begin to express how awesome that feels. If I take care of things immediately, nothing piles up to take time away from the kids. I have discovered that if I use TV once a day-immediately after I get home- for a half an hour, I can get dinner done in peace and without tantrums, which usually arise because I have been away at work all day and they want my attention. We put the girls in the tub (in the room adjacent to the kitchen) while Sean cleans up, then I make my coffee for the next day, choose lunch and dinner items from the freezer for the next day, feed the fish, get the pajamas and diaper, get Gillian's icewater and Addie's bottle made, and then it's time to wash them. Sean is done by then and comes to collect one for drying and hairbrushing while I do the other one. Then Gillian gets one more 25 minute block of TV (usually Little Bear at the moment) while I put Addie down (books, snuggles, bottle-general 1 on 1 time). Then we both put Gillian down with books and snuggling and prayers.

I seriously can't remember feeling so light in my life. I'm not sure, but I think getting rid of clutter in my home in my visual field has reduced the clutter and frenzy in my mind. I have more patience, more free time, and Sean is happier too. Again, one of those "Better-Late-Than-Never" moments in my 36 years, but hey...I finally got here, right ?!?