Letting go

Last night at our Mutiny meeting (see previous post) we discussed what we hoped to get out of our experiment. It was pretty powerful and humbling to sit with such an incredibly diverse and interesting group of women.

One thing the book is driving home for me is the abundance/wealth we have compared to the rest of the world. Two interesting things the author says in the book that stayed with me:
1. If you make $35,000 a year, you are among the world's top 4% most wealthy; if you make $50,000 a year, you are among the top 1% most wealthy people IN THE WORLD.
2. Money does not increase happiness after income reaches $13,000 a year...at some point it's related to a decrease in happiness.

We discussed  at great length that our country creates a culture of inferiority and materialism that is so dishonest, and so greedy that it begs to be challenged. We discussed what we opine that we need. Most people said "cuter clothes", "nicer things", or the like. I thought long and hard about that study question and said "financial security". I explained my parental dynamic with money-dad worked, sometimes, mom killed herself working 80 hours a week at a convenience store and hid money from my dad so she could make sure the rent could get paid if he decided to quit his job (which he did often). I said to these Mutiny Sistas (that is what we are calling ourselves ;-): "I make a good income, and yet, it feels we are always just squeaking by. My question would be "what amount of money/savings/security is enough for me?!?" A followup is, "are there choices I can make that will make this concern go away?" So, I don't feel particularly attached to things, per se, but to security. That was a profound observation for me. Because I believe in the laws of attraction, if I FEEL and give thanks for great abundance, I will attract that. But abundance doesn't necessarily only mean money.

The Tao Te Ching says "chase after money and security, and your heart will never unclench". One of the readings from last night's discussion was from Matthew 19:

The Rich and the Kingdom of God
16 Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
17 “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
18 “Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony,
19 honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.”
20 “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven.
24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

I think this cuts to the core of the issue-I don't necessarily think this is literally "rich people can't go to heaven" but that people who amass and value things above all else cannot possibly sit in communion with God/the universal everything. Their lives are cluttered with amassing wealth and possessions. So, Jesus told the man to LET THAT GO if he truly wants to be Godlike. He has to let go of the one thing that distracts him from being real, and present, and connected. For other people it would be other things (some people honestly don't care about money).

In Buddhism, suffering is equated with an attachment to things-whether those things be material possessions, expectations, ideals, people, etc. If you think about it, what makes you suffer? Wishing someone acted a different way, felt a different way, that you made more money, had a bigger house, that you had a new car...? What if we could wipe the lenses clear and just accept things as they are and not expect them to be any different? What a huge burden to put down-LETTING IT ALL GO. Then we're wide open to connect, to be charitable, to be loving and compassionate. There's nothing clouding our vision anymore.

My goal here, is to refocus on the abundance I already have. I told a very sweet story of us in mass last Sunday (ironically, as we talk of simplifying, the first Sunday of Lent). We went up to take communion (and for the girls to get blessings, which they *LOVE*), and went back to our pew to kneel and pray. Addie knelt obediently next to me ("wait, did you say YOUR child did anything obediently?", you ask-yes, why yes it was). I was praying, asking God to help us be patient with one another, kind, compassionate, gentle, gracious....then I asked that God help me focus on gratefulness...of the blessings and the abundance in my life. And at that very moment, Addie stood up and whispered in my ear, "Mama, I love you sooooooooo much" and hugged my neck and kissed my cheek. And then I was weepy, because how much clearer of a message does a person need than that? My abundance begins and ends with LOVE-of my family, my community; of others.

That made me grateful that I chose to invite all the friends that have been so kind to us, that have raised me up, listened to, and fed me and the girls in their own humble homes in the past few months, to our house to eat in community last weekend. That night I looked around and was struck by how vital these connections are...how important it is to return kindness with kindness. And wow, what a wonderful community we have. Abundance.

Time for Change

It's February in Chicago. Which means we're all over it. We're impatient for Spring. The long, cold, grayness has taken it's toll. Seasonal Affective Disorder is at it's highest high.

These transitional months are interesting for me. I observe where I'm at emotionally, and this is when I am usually ready to push myself somehow. And this late-winter is no different. This time the change found me.

I have an amazing friend who I have mentioned before, who has made it her mission to serve others. She came back from four years in Africa changed with how she views wealth, blessings, and values. A few weeks ago, she challenged me and some other ladies with 7: Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.

The book is summarized like this: 7 is the true story of how Jen (along with her husband and her children to varying degrees) took seven months, identified seven areas of excess, and made seven simple choices to fight back against the modern-day diseases of greed, materialism, and overindulgence. In the spirit of a fast, they pursued a deeply reduced life in order to find a greatly increased God.

At first I thought, "well, I'm not sure about this....maybe it's preachy, maybe it's self-righteous, maybe it's ________" (insert other things that would get me out of having to take a hard look at the way I live my life). I should know better, since Roxanne is so genuine. This is really a group of women who want to get closer to God by cutting out the fat out of life. There are 13 or 14 of us-some single moms, some not moms, others married, some stay-at-home moms, some working moms, etc., etc.

It's interesting how this parallels my beloved Buddhism, and how they believe that you sit with God when you meditate in silent communion with yourself. I remember meditating for about 6 weeks rather religiously (ha!) for 10 tiny minutes a day, and how that changed my patience with myself and the people and circumstances around me. That communion with God was like a soul massage-like a recharge. I observed the suffering of other people, and their useless rage against circumstances (like a cat trying to fight its way out of a paper bag), and realized that to let go of that completely unserving emotion, you have to just accept it, sit with it, and let it go. But, then my "busy-ness" crept in and I lied to myself that I didn't have time to meditate and that I wasn't in a calm enough state (which is exactly when you SHOULD meditate), etc. etc.....anything to not have to sit in honesty with myself. Why not? I suppose I still have a lot of work to do with compassion for my own expectations of myself, shortcomings, and mistakes. So, because I seem to be happy to give until I am bone dry and not recharge the well, I find myself right where I was when I decided I needed to find a way to connect with everything.  Let me just explain that that encompasses God, which is and created everything. Some people call that "the universe" or "Nirvana" or "The Tao".

Since every sentient being originated from and returns to the source, there is an essence of God in every thing that IS. To that end, it serves us to connect with and recognize and sit with our commonness. We are all threads of God. We are stronger woven together, open to eachother, compassionate and sitting in non-judgement of one another.

So, that need to be present and feel connected is what is driving me to do this. I honestly believe that if I can simplify my life, I will be less distracted by the clutter in the world, and can spend more time in the moment. Intentional living, and mindfulness is how we open up our pathways of love and charity and compassion-and how we are REALLY HERE for and with the people we need to be here for. That's how I learn to listen hard and be patient with what my family members are telling me (verbally or not) and how I can open my ears to my calling. I'm cleaning out my pathways, y'all. This month we begin with the most basic thing: Food.

I love sweets. After not eating cheese or milk for about 30 years, I discovered it in my 30s, and haven't looked back since. I have always had issues with wheat/gluten intolerance-but I never cared enough to stop eating all the wonderful things made of wheat. This has made me have some serious GI problems all my life. I was made aware of these issues by seeing a dietician years ago...but just like meditation, I let that fall to the side after being pretty good for a while and feeling great. Because I don't matter as much as everyone else. LAME. How am I supposed to be a good wife and mother if I feel subpar all the time? If I am not fueling my body with something it can use? How am I supposed to hear the guidance and messages the universe sends my way if my gut and mind are cluttered with junk? So, my commitment to making space for my connection with everything is to make sure food is not why I am feeling crummy...to make sure my body and mind have what they need to be present and open. Immediately, my second day of no wheat, gluten, dairy, and 99% of sugar (I allow myself 1/2 tsp in my morning coffee) I got hit over the head. I was being heard.

I am no rap connoisseur (I had to google the refrain to get the full lyrics and rapper), but I have *never* heard Christian rap at the Jackson station (where I get on/off the train for work) in my life. Don't know if I created a space for my intentions to be acknowledged, or clarity is already setting in enough to hear messages, but Whoa-universe is yelling "wake up!" ((1 TH 5:6) "Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober.") I also was standing waiting for a train at rush hour long enough to hear the entire song (usually, the trains are closer together). Just thought I'd share-the angel at the Jackson Station was rapping a song for me and anyone else searching ;-) . I won't post the whole thing, but here are some lyrics that make the point:


"Show me what I got to do
To bring me closer to you
Cause I'm gonna go through
What ever you want me to
Just let me know what to do
Lord give me a sign!"

And, so far so good with the changing my eating habits. I fell off the wagon on Valentines day-how could I not enjoy cake with my babies? But I paid for it with nausea and a temporary return to feeling terrible-and I decided no cake is worth that feeling. I do feel like I have a bit more clarity as the days move on. I decided to start trying the meditation again, because I need it. Every parent does.