Just Love

Sad and depressed, Thursday night Gillian told me she missed spending time alone with me. Friday we went on a date, and our friend Darla joined us. Of, course, it was an evening of enlightened conversation. Darla gave Gillian her first recorded interview:


Gillian created new fashions with her napkin:

Gillian is a magnificent child. I love being her mother. ♥

Yesterday

When I was younger, I lived in a different world. I was fearless in a young kind of way. I was broke, and I didn't really care. I loved falling in love. I enjoyed wallowing in the turmoil of relationships ending. It resulted in beautiful art and poetry. I have always been intense, but it was completely unbridled back then, like some kind of wild horse. I was moving toward someplace, being in school, but the rest of my time was playing in bands, eating, drinking, and breathing music, and making art and writing in my journal. Time has tamed that, and age too. I have grown up, and find that not struggling the way I use to puts a damper on my direct line to untapped creativity.

I am meditating on that because last night I went to see Neutral Milk Hotel. I played on their second album what seems like an eternity ago (it was, in fact, almost 15 years ago). It was a spectacle because no one has heard from Jeff in many years and he hasn't toured before now since 1998. There is so much speculation as to why, and he packed up and decided to leave the whole scene after releasing a game-changing album. I hear Jeff in lots of other bands, like the Decemberists, who seems to have been wildly influenced by him. In 1997 my band toured with them (oh, what fun that was!) and another band and during that tour Jeff asked me to play uilleann pipes on the new album. A couple of months later, he flew me in to record in Denver. I stayed a week and a half or so, and it was intense and wonderful to be with this collective bunch of beautiful artists. We stayed with the Apples in Stereo-Robert and Hillary-and recorded in a studio in an industrial part of the city. We played a show one night. I was happy to be part of all that. But I also knew that for all the way we glorify bands and the beauty they give us, sleeping in a different bed every night, eating shitty food, and drinking too much wears on your after a while. And how you give and give and give. That wears on you too. But when you're young, it's an adventure.

After the show last night Laura (Elf Power) was standing out in the lobby, and I decided to say hello. After placing me in her ancient history files, she enveloped me as a very old friend and asked if Jeff knew I was here. I told her I didn't think so, so she grabbed my hand and took me backstage. He is the same as always. He didn't have a nervous breakdown like they said. I never believed that anyway. It was so excellent to see him, and although we didn't have much time to catch up we shared a little. He said he's always wondered what happened to me; he asked me what I've been up to, and I said "I vaporized into thin air" and he laughed and said "me too". During the show, some rude self-serving attendee shouted "where have you been?" and he answered "with the love of my life-I don't know, that's enough for me". We talked about what he's been up to (not for me to disclose-ask him yourself) and his plans (which, sorry to say, don't include more music tours) and my girls. and poetry. I told him I was glad he found the love of his life. I met his sister-in-law. He gave me his number in case I'm ever in NYC. I talked to Scott, who is a beautiful musician in his own right, too. Scott has a photo of his little girl taped to his guitar.

So, we all moved on. Laura said none of them do this much anymore, so I'm not the only one. Even the people revered for changing music forever have found other things to be passionate about. It's the natural progression of things. My thing (environmental health) is more stabilizing than music ever was, and I don't even have to bleed for people to get paid. I reckon that is what happened to all of us. That price is pretty high to offer yourself up night after night to entertain people. I look back at my young self all vibrant and beautiful and I have a moment of longing for all those fresh raw moments that shaped the rest of my life. But I wouldn't go back there if it would change the trajectory of my life and take away my babies. Not for all the fame on the planet and a million dollars.

Value

One of this kids in Gillian's school died this morning of brain cancer. He was in second grade. He struggled for a year with it until it swallowed him up whole at 6:45 this morning. She had come home last week with a little star attached to her dress button that said "pray for Jake", and we all prayed for Jake, and now he's gone home. That was the answer for that little baby soul. The one God sent here as a sacrifice to teach the rest of us all something about love-what you love, how you love it...why not to take for granted the things you love will always hang around waiting for you to figure out how to express your love.

These lessons are a little hard on people. I know a few things about losing people I love-they're all dead now except my gypsy sister. All I could say this morning when I collapsed into Sean was something about how people can forgive God for being selfish enough to take that baby back when he hadn't given all the joy back he could have given. That's such a human thing to say. It's born of grief-the grief I feel for his mother who has been fearing this day since he was diagnosed...who has prayed by his bedside for moments and days and months...who only wanted to watch him grow up to be a virile young man with his own joyful family. I felt that grief for a second, hearing the story about how he sweetly smiled in his last moments and how he was given last rites by Father Grassi. How no parent on this wide green earth should ever have to ask for someone to give their baby his last rites. But how beautifully he took them. How wise he was, glimpsing over the edge. The they said to him was "heaven is beautiful, and it's ok to go home." How his mother informed the school that "Jake earned his wings peacefully this morning."

I'm thinking about how we get tangled up with this place when it's a blink. We make castles in the sand. We build them up, these monuments of humanness, and they wash away in the ebb and flow of eternity. We are each a grain of sand, nothing more...but so beloved by the sea that our constructs fail the will of the lapping waves, and away we go. They say everafter is beautiful, and peaceful, and so.familiar. So his little grain was enveloped to be joined with everything that has ever been or ever will be--in the tapestry of peace that is the universe. Godspeed, peanut.