Every day I wake up, make sure all the pieces of the kids lunches are ready, that their vitamins are laid out, that their water bottles are there with the note that tells my husband the assembly of the day. Every morning, I walk out my back door, through the alley, to the sidewalk. Every day I cross the same street in a diagonal and walk to the train, and ride downtown to the office, work my 10 hours and come home. I must have done this 10,000 time since we moved to our home. And I know for some people that is monotonous, awful, exhausting…the routine of it. I find comfort in it-the mundane. Somehow it’s a break from the punctuated intensity of parenting, or from adult relationships, or the sadness or brilliant glory that can pervasive in the world. Buddhists call being present in the mundane acts in life “mindfulness”. Sometimes this routine, particularly the travelling part, gives me space to be alone with myself and my thoughts and allows me to consider the things on my plate at any given time.
I love the routine. I love the sweet moments before the girls close their eyes at the end of the night, when we talk about the world, or the not-world. I love Addie sweetly touching my face and kissing my nose, and Gillian telling me some wonderfully insightful story or thought. Last night’s was “Papa is so lucky that you found him-because you take good care of him.”..these brilliant, beautiful bits that come from someplace beyond this place. This is the good stuff, I know. This is the stuff that will keep me warm in my thoughts when I am old and my house is way too quiet…when sound of the bubbly laughter and tears of my children are just the faintest echoes in my memory.
But I can’t freeze time, and I can’t keep them this age forever. I just hope we still love each other this hopelessly on the other side of Teenage, and that they make it through that as gracefully as possible. Some people say “enjoy them while they’re young…it goes so fast.” I just wonder if there’s a parent anywhere who doesn’t mourn the fast forward pace of life with their young children…who isn’t acutely aware that the time is, in fact, going entirely too fast. What a life I have been given-my small, humble little life..but how full it is. I am so grateful to God for this journey-there are so many, and this one is mine. The mysteries revealed in time, the awe is mine to realize.
People can choose their vantage point. The world will reveal to you exactly what you are expecting-so expect joy, and light, and peace. See the bumps for what they are, but don’t lose sight of the glory. It is always there, the love and the light, the rest is distraction.
