Three and Me: 2011 in Review

This is pre-dated to January 1, which is when I intended to write my ruminations on the past year. And when you have kids, every year is one of monumental change and accomplishments. Changes are seen and unseen. Growth is external and internal. The school of this life makes us eternal students, and at the same time, eachother's teachers. Lao Tzu said "what is a good man but a bad man's teacher? what is a bad man but a good man's job?" Not that anyone is good or bad. We all have the same drop of divinity inside us; we all hail from the great beyond. It's like Gillian once said to me of a kid at school "he's not a bad boy, Mama, he just does bad things." We become what we are to teach and learn with one another in this blink of a life.

This year, like every year, I have been humbled by my children who are my greatest teachers. They remind me that we live in a beautiful world. They remind me that some qualities-those of joy and wonder, for example-are our natural state of being, and that the influences of the world also bring heartbreak and shame. Heartbreak and shame are necessary, because they give us context for our joy and shape our morality. Circumstances give opportunity for growth and learning, too. At this very moment, God is driving me back into myself for peace. Sometimes in our fear and our suffering, we have to learn to sit with our discomfort, to make peace with it. I am still struggling with a (work) situation in my life because I have not accepted it. Some days are better than others sitting with it, but truthfully, I have not found peace. Ironically, this has been one of the greatest challenges of my life because it lacks definition. I have lost close family to cancer and heart disease, I have survived childhood abuse, I have managed to come from poverty to a place of relative comfort...but this trumps them all because I don't understand why it happened. And compared to all those things, it is so small. But here I am, another year later, and I am still not there yet. Recently, I also have lost a good friend for reasons I don't fully understand. So, it's time to do some internal work to learn to let go and let things be what they are without forcing.

My resolve this year is to not let emotional and physical distractions remove my experience from being fully present with my family, but even more importantly, with myself. I want to walk out of my office every day and not think about it again until I arrive for the next work day. I want to spend less time with technology, and more time digging into my role playing Princess. I want to get off the internet and read more novels. I want to simplify my existence. I mean, to be clear, I waste time almost exclusively when the girls are sleeping or watching a show. But, I have this nagging feeling that wasting any time at all is absurd when there is so much life to live! I want to make a point of meditating twice a day, every day, to touch base with me, and to make time for yoga regularly. I am not nearly as bad about being with the kids as I feel, and Sean always kindof snorts when I'm hard on myself about not spending enough quality time with them and says, "you spend every second of your life with the kids! what are you talking about!?!" Because, you see, I married an unintentional Buddhist. Sean has this laser view of the world, and doesn't let emotion reign his view. He knows one great hour with the kids is better than eight mediocre ones in the grand scheme of their overall contentedness and memory. And he is OK with that. He takes that vital time for himself that I don't to recharge. He doesn't work as hard as I do to make EVERY hour one for posterity. Maybe my inherent overachievement pushes me to conform to some unattainable mother ideal that I have no hope of ever achieving. So, I suppose it's time to learn to be ok with what I am capable of being with who and what I am.

I found this website, and it is a beautiful showcase of the experience of being a Woman. I love the ruminations of so many sisters, in so many walks on Earth, and it helps me frame my desire to cultivate love for myself and others. Truly. And I am reminded of the importance of patience and gentleness with ones self. And how we are all doing the best we can, every second of every day. And, as as Don Miguel Ruiz said, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." See, I am the Queen of Needless Suffering (Ironically, once I painted what I know now is a self portrait of the "Much Pained Princess" at the ripe old age of 22). I assume every unkindness people do is somehow my fault. Probably the jacked up world view I got as a result of growing up in a verbally and physically abusive home. It's hard to change that paradigm. So, never being good enough leads to overachievement, hoping against hope that one day what I say, what I do, and what I dream will be good enough for myself. That maybe one day I will learn to be ok with me.
I care because, truly, if we're lucky we have about 70 good years on this Earth. One of my favorite Rumi quotes is:
"But, listen to me for one moment-quit being sad...hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you. God."

Life is what it's all about. Preoccupation distracts us from being fully present. Preoccupation is a cancer. Self doubt and worry leads to the preoccupation that separates us from God and ourselves. I will do my best to spend my time and energy with people who know my truth enough to love me in spite of my shortcomings, who can forgive me, and who lift me up, and have compassion for those who can't or don't. I'll spend my time and energy with those who I love unconditionally, and who love me unconditionally. Love is all there really is that's worth talking about.

So, without further adieu, let me showcase a few of our moments of 2011. These moments transform us. They make a life. My life. Their lives.

Addie started the year as a baby, and she ended the year as a little girl. I have the priviledge of raising these children, and that blessing is not lost on me:

Picture of us at her Wiggleworms music class, which we started in January, and which we love doing every Wednesday morning together:

Gillian's first time ice skating with her best bud, Frances, and after which the Big Girls got to have a late date with their mamas, no baby sisters allowed!:

The great blizzard of 2011! Third highest snowfall in a day in Chicago recorded history!!:

Wake up call: Squamous Cell Carcinoma diagnosed and excised:

Spring came, after a long, cold, and snowy winter:

And I took my first not-for-work, just-for-me trip to NYC with one of my closest friends. It was good for the soul and I came home to a perfect birthday celebration with my family:

Then came Easter, and Addie was big enough to understand the Easter egg hunt. They were so excited and so happy to put on their pretty dresses (compliments of Nonni) and search for hidden treasure!

To have a little fun with the Royal Wedding, we had a Princess Party with Francie and Megan. The girls dressed up, we made a brunch fit for a princess, and watched the wedding. Their favorite part was the dress:

Gillian's second ballet recital:

Addie and Hauk continued their love affair into a second year:

We had a WONDERFUL vacation week with Bill and Suzi at Fernandina Beach/Amelia Island:

We said goodbye to Miriam Davis Colledge, Sean's beautiful Grandmother and Addie's namesake (her middle name is Miriam-see my June entry about this vacation to read about the significance of the flower):

We loved our visits with the girls' fabulous grandparents throughout the year. We often think that Florida is too far away!:

Gillian's cousin Jim taught her to fish for the first time:

We had such a warm, amazing summer that we spent countless hours outside at the playground and at the beach:

Our good friend Joe took some beautiful photos of me and the girls:

My big girl turned TWO! She didn't know what to think of having the limelight all to herself!:

Lots of love, of course, was present in 2011:

Papa took Gillian to her first Cubs game!

Gillian reminded me of our inherent joy; the natural state of being, often:

This title is "Gillian is full of AWESOME!":

We did a little naked drumming:

Gillian spent her longest time away from us, ever. She spent 11 days in Florida with her grandparents. When Sean went to pick her up, I had a mama slumber party with 5 of my closest girlfriends. What a wonderful night of recharging the batteries. And Addie slept through the boistrous laughter and chatter like a champ:

While Gillian was gone, I made her bedroom my pallette. It turned out great!:

Also, while she was gone, Addie got to see what being an only child is like. She loved it!:

We said goodbye to Angie, who worked for us for a year and a half:

We enjoyed the city:

We swam and spent many dusks at the beach, soaking it all in:

...with beautiful friends...

Addie-so small, but larger than life to me...:

Gillian got to go to "her favorite place in the WHOLE WORLD" with her closest friends for her birthday (AJ didn't want to leave; he is not dying here ;-)):

and she had a birthday party with her school friends at Berger Park, on a beautiful fall day:

I travelled to St. Croix for a work week, and enjoyed the beauty...and missed my family:

Addie finally has enough hair for pony tails!

Gillian started Suzuki violin lessons. She had to decorate a box (my goodness, it was flamboyant! (of course)) to learn to hold it before even picking up a real instrument. By the end of 2011 she was successfully plucking and bowing it:

We did our annual trip to the apple orchard...which also had hay rides, a pumpkin patch, pony rides, and a petting zoo. It was traumatic to rip Addie away from the animals, and she was asleep within 5 minutes of getting in the car to go home:

First pony ride:

First petting zoo (she was totally in love!):

Addie's first time playing in Fall leaves!:

First pumpkin painting:

A luxurious hour long pony ride. We'll be back there again!:

Supergirl and kitty for Halloween:

Thanksgiving took us to Florida to be with family, and we decided to tack on Gillian's first trip to Disney World. We left Addie with the grandparents, and Gillian had us all to herself for two solid days: