Thoughts

So, lots swirling around right now. Gillian started school on Monday (or, rather, CAMP, as she likes to remind me). But, still. She is away from my sphere of influence for four hours a day, five days a week. But that's not the hard part, exactly. It's that she's in someone else's sphere of influence. Most likely, lots of somebodies. Can you indulge me for a second as I tell you the heartbreaking story of yesterday?

Apparently, the glee over the "things that dry the doll's hair" in the toy bin from Monday waned on Tuesday. Yesterday, I asked her how camp was and she told me there was a boy there who wasn't nice to her. (He also revealed that he had a Papa and no Mama (somehow)-aside: ENTER having to explain alternate social structures of relationships as Gillian notices families different than hers.) I guess they have a buddy system when walking around outdoors around roads and such and have to hold hands, and he was her buddy. She said he "looked at [her] mean" and "tried to hit" her. Now, if you can give me some slack for the momentary rage I felt for this kid....and then how tragically sad I felt that it had never occurred to Gillian that some people won't love her in this world. Because then she turned to me and solemnly said "Mama, why was he mean to me? Why doesn't he like me?" And I got an immediate lump in my throat. Because what do you say to that? I just offered that maybe he had had a bad day, and that she should try to be even nicer to help him feel better. I wish that would be the last time I heard those questions from her, but I assume I will hear it thousands of times by the time she's a teenager, and hundreds of thousands of times after that.

And today I dropped her off for the first time (I am home on Wednesdays), and she whispered "that's the boy who was mean to me" and pointed to a unmenacing looking curly-haired boy. He looked like he was quite a bit older than he should be for their camp class of not-more-than-5 year olds, and seemed engrossed in some building project. I am sure we will talk again today about him, but it's nice to have a visual. She was clingy to me at drop-off, and the teacher offered Stella as a playmate. Stella (sweet and 3-4ish and friendly) came to collect Gillian, who buried her face in my legs, and Stella, rejected, walked away. Sometimes I worry about G's standoffishness, and this didn't bode well for friend-making. I'll just hope she's more independent and open when I'm not there (since Sean swears I bring that out in her and that "WE (he and Gillian) don't have those problems").

But none of this is to say that Gillian isn't SUPER READY for preschool. She needs to play with kids her age instead of two 11 month old babies. She needs to learn the social skills of play and what is and is not acceptable to others through reinforcement, trial and error. And she needs to learn that sometimes you play something you don't want to play with someone to make someone else happy, or to cultivate friendship with someone else. Case in point-Sunday we went to the pool and a little girl named Maddie was circling and trying to engage Gillian, who ignored her. She wanted to share Gillian's baby doll, which Gillian was not wild about, but allowed. Then she threw the ball at Gillian in hopes she would play catch (to which I said, "Look, the little girl wants to play with you!") and Gillian informed me "NO, she's getting on my NERVES." Wow. Lesson #2,456: censor what we say, even when we don't think she's listening.

So, Gillian is going through it a little. We are hitting a tough phase again. I was heartened to read that she is pretty typical with my cursory search for why she would have started fighting bed time again (we were doing so well). But I kindof dig the idea of periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium that are phases of normal developmental behavior. So, between 3.5-4 we are in a phase of disequilibrium. Disharmony. If the shoe fits.... These days when bedtime rolls around she insists that she's not tired, that she isn't ready for bed, that she just wants to play for "a little while"....stall, stall, stall. Once she's in bed she comes out to tell us she's not tired (still), can't fall asleep, is scared, you name it. This goes on for 1-2 hours. Even though she usually comes out three times, we hear her in her room playing, or reading, or singing, for a very long time before it's quiet. I had previously been delighted to realize she was still napping when most kids aren't, but it might be time to cut naps out and see what happens. Maybe that 12 hours should be a solid block and not include a nap. We will test that theory today. If that doesn't work, I am afraid it's back to less desirable options-towing the hard line.

I am starting to think it probably never gets easier to parent as children grow, just more complicated.