Way Back When

Motherhood is humbling on so many levels. I remember the old days when I had the luxury of being irritated by the baby crying on the airplane and that crying baby wasn't mine. I had the luxury of being judgemental. How could people not raise their child with enough manners to not throw fits in public? Did they have no control over them? Who was the parent in their relationship, anyway? I was absolutely certain my child would be better behaved, because we would have rules, and since I was the Mom (rulemaker, Queen of the House) and She was the Baby, she would dutifully follow said rules. Now I think, "How CUTE that I had plans like that!"

Food? My child would only eat the most nutritious organic meals. She would eat well, because she wouldn't know anything else. She would eat what I give her, and if she didn't, fine. She wouldn't have to eat. She would learn the rules. She would happily down a plate of broccoli and tofu and wash it down with an 8oz. glass of whole milk and delightedly eat her dessert-a fresh wedge of mango. Again, my naivate was so sweet, so wholesome! Of course she would do that! Why wouldn't she? Afterall, that sounds like a nice meal to me! So, the universe, ever so ironic, sent me Gillian the Impossible Eater. Just to make sure I didn't think about doing all that planning next time; to teach me to be humble and grateful when things actually go well. That is no mistake, people. I really thought I had a lot of things figured out...from my pregnancy to my birth (Ha!), to nursing, to eating, to discipline....I thought I knew what would happen. What I envisioned would happen, naturally. It is really interesting to notice that everything I had firm visions of are the very same things I have had to compromise my approach to as I learn and grow from this experience. The Universe doesn't make these kinds of mistakes. So, I invited these lessons into my life by thinking I could control particular aspects of parenting.

The truth is, there is a whole lot of personality in a child, even a young one. And one thing I have learned is that babies don't do what babies don't want to do. No matter what you do to try to get them to do what you want, they have their own [stubborn] minds. You can't MAKE a baby wear her gloves when you're outside, even if the temperature is 36 degrees. She has to decide it is less comfortable with them off, and it has to be her decision to let you put them back on and keep them on. If a baby doesn't want to sit on your lap at church, she will squirm and wriggle down to the floor. If you try to restrain her (and she really wants down), she will whine and fuss. Eventually, you decide that it is more disruptive to be firm and make her sit in your lap while she shrieks like she is being tortured than let her blissfully roam the back of the church (even if she does stop every now and then to kiss the little prayer card with a picture of Jesus on the front, and waves and blows kisses to everyone that catches her eye; sweet but also a bit heathen-ish (or so says a few baleful parental glares of the "Toddlers Content to Sit on Mama's Lap"; to whom I thumb my nose...). You might even make the best of it and convince yourself that you could use the exercise walking after her and heading her off at every open door, stairwell, or stack of papers (this actually happened today, so this is from experience).

Also, when faced with the prospect of your child rejecting what you are offering her to eat, you don't just think, "fine, starve!" Especially if your child is barely on the growth chart. Nope-you'll let her eat anything with calories. Well, almost anything. I have, on occasion, made Gillian as many as three different meals in one setting hoping she would eat something. Am I creating an expectation that we will cater to her forever? Maybe. But I am doing the best I can right now to feed her. Once I even gave her Raviolis (*gasp*). That was a last resort. The old me would have never even considered a scenario where I would be that desperate. The new me is more pragmatic. **(but note: even I draw the line at too much sugar, though; no fruit juice and very infrequent bites of sweets; maybe she would gain weight if she ate a twinkie for breakfast, a milkshake for snacks, a brownie for lunch, and cake and ice cream for dinner, but she would, most assuredly, end up with weight problems and an unhealthy view of herself and food later in life as a result; besides, we aren't THAT desperate). We just breathe through the disappointment of watching her take a giant spoonful of food and divert it from her mouth (like she suddenly got a better idea) to give a bite to her burpcloth or her shoe. *sigh*

So, the bottom line is that my whole perspective on the behavior of children is completely different now than say, 19 months ago. A tantrum doesn't mean that a child's parents don't love her or don't attempt to discipline her or that she was raised in a barn. It means she is asserting her singlemindedness to some end, and is unwilling to yield to any alternative outcomes aside from the one she has set her mind on. Picky eating doesn't mean that the parents are doing anything wrong. This one has been hard for me. It's almost like group therapy. It's not our fault. There, I said it. Gillian is not a big eater. That is who she is, and it (likely) has nothing to do with me.

There's a reason why all of us with toddlers look at eachother that way. It's almost like we're in the trenches of hell together. But, contrary to common reason, somehow every second in the trenches is completely worth it...especially with all those sweet kisses, the pure joy of their complete mindfulness in the present (which, honestly, is infectious), and the heaven of all that SuperLove (I mean, seriously, who else has ever or will ever love you that completely?). We look through our bleary exhausted eyes at eachother in silent (or not so silent) acknowledgement, find our common footing, and discuss such important topics as pooping in the potty, or discouraging nose picking, or what three things you can actually get your kid to eat this week. It's a deep bond we have.