Rejected.

Me. That is. No one ever told me that the epitome of feeling completely utterly worthless is your child wanting absolutely nothing to do with you. You know, you, her mother, the person that carried her, gave her life, and nourished her, singlehandedly (for the majority of her young, ungrateful life). Gillian follows Sean around all day, begging to be held and cuddled by him. If I try to take her from him, she arches her back and cries, reaching for Sean. I don't know exactly when this started, but it's probably been brewing for a couple of weeks. I don't know why exactly. Weekends I am the one who mostly cares for her plus one week day, and Sean does two week days, and she is with Silvia and Francie two days. It's not like she spends more time with Sean...one thing I do know about G is that she can change her stubborn mind about anything in a split second without an obvious rhyme or reason.

When Sean's gone, she still calls for him. I gave her a picture of the two of them the other day, and she carries it around all day long, stopping to caress and kiss it, and say, "Hi, Papa!" every so often. I might as well not even exist. Tonight after work, Sean invited me to join them on the floor (because he eventually gets tired of carrying her and just sits down, where she climbs on him, and gives him lots of kisses and hugs), and said "Gilly, give Mama a kiss hello..."; to which she replied a spirited, "No!" and buried her face in his neck. Nice. He said, "well, I'm gonna give Mama a kiss, and you can join in if you want". She very suspiciously watched him give me a kiss, and then grudgingly gave me one of her own (those don't count, you know...the forced ones, but these days I'll take what I can get). And then, get this, THEN she pushed me off his chest where I had laid my head. More than once, as in "I MEAN IT LADY-GET AWAY FROM MY PAPA". Is she jealous of him loving anyone but her?!? Is that possible at this age? Seriously?

She and I still have our Very Special dinner/bath/books/bottle & rocking routine right after I walk in the door from work, but last night she even took the book from me and gave it to Sean and said "No, No, No!" when I tried to read it to her. She would cry when he would get up to leave us alone. So, we haven't had a day that makes me feel all fuzzy about parenthood in a while, and I am the odd man out. If you ever want to know what lonely really feels like, try being the only member of the Outcast Club in your own home. I hope this, along with the molar-cutting that never seems to end and the Eating Nearly NOTHING (Phase 114) will resolve As Soon As Humanly Possible. I want my mama-lovin' snuggle bug back. And I especially want to feel like she is not going to starve to death.

I need a vacation.