The Search

I have yet to express the woes and worry that comprises the search for quality childcare for G. I think this is a major stressor for most parents who have not chosen/are unable to stay at home with their children. For us, I will never be able to do that, as my income is the steady one. This means, no year or two off to be a stay at home mom. This is unfortunate for because, from a hardwiring perspective, it would not work for Sean to be home alone with G any more than the two days a week he already is. I, on the other hand, would love to have the option to stay at home for a year or two. I did get 7 months with G after she was born (if you count the 2 she was in the hospital, it's more like 5 months), but it would be nice to be around more now. All these days are so precious, and I feel like I'm missing them.

I get struck every so often by the fact that Gillian, every day, is less and less my little baby. Every time Sean gets irritated by Gillian's passionate clinging to his legs begging to be picked up (she is showing a strong preference for him right now), I remind him that one of these days, she will not want him to hold her anymore and to relish these days that she does. One day, she will be five and too busy to want to be held, though she'll probably come in for occasional affection. By the time she's twelve, she'll be holed up in her bedroom talking with her friends, likely with very little patience for any of our silly parenting at all. When she's 16, we will probably spend nights sick with worry about where she is and who she's with. And when she's 18, she will leave us and start her own life. I see all of this, laid our before us like an eternity, but the truth is, it will feel like a blink and we will be at her high school graduation. So, we can't get these baby days back, and that is terribly sad to think about. And so, yes, I wish I could be witness to more of these sweet moments that comprise her years of complete, open love and innocence.

So, I have these conflicting emotions about my career, that I love, and being a mother, which makes my career seem like a time sink of something not nearly so priceless. I mean, the work I do is rewarding and interesting, but what work could a person do that is more important than raising another person with their own soul, and heart, and mind? Herein lies that conflict a lot of working moms feel, I think. To compensate for these feelings of inadequacey and guilt, I try to be completely present for Gillian when I am home. No computer, no phone calls, few errands, no television, no time for other people when she is awake. As in, she gets absolute priority for every second I have when I am here to give it to her. We read, we play, we sing, we eat, we breathe together in our far too limited time. And I still feel like I am missing something.

So, having prefaced this with all the conflicts a mother feels about not being home, I hope you can appreciate what a heavy decision it is to choose someone to care for a child-someone that will spend more time raising your child than you during the week. It's not enough to have a warm adult body at home, but you want someone who can stand in for you. That is a very tall order. And finding her is one of the most stressful decisions I have had the displeasure of trying to make. We have had a wonderful caregiver-sharing arrangement since last August (before which Sean and I had provided all G's care) with Francie and her parents and our dear Silvia, who Gillian adores. Francie and Gillian are like sisters at this point, cute as buttons together (I was reminded of this last night watching them jump on the bed together, laughing). Unfortunately, for a few reasons, this arrangement has to end. And even more unfortunately, this means we have to a) find a new Silvia, who is just wonderful with Gillian; and b) find a new family to share her with. We want to share because it is vital to us that Gillian have some socialization, and it's also a much more economical option than having your own nanny.

So, the past few weeks have been a flurry of Craiglist trolling, emailing every ad that even seems remotely workable, disappointing letdowns when the perfect person gets hired two hours before you are supposed to interview her by another family, and the discomfort of interviews and not commiting because it didn't feel quite right. We did finally meet a perfectly lovely woman yesterday, who is a mom herself, and offered her the position on the spot, which she accepted. But, part of me is worried this will fall through too, since I have now been conditioned to have my optimism crushed under the weight of the dog-eat-dog world of finding in-home childcare.

So, let's hope we are done with this search, because I am tired. And it has made me grouchy. And God knows I don't need anything to make me grouchy on top of this weather...which did the trick two months ago.