It's Good to be the Queen

As I sit here drinking my hard-earned glass of syrah, I can't help but think that I am no longer the Queen of this castle. I am like hired help. With another job besides being the help around here. And this job is harder and more taxing than the forty-hour-a-week job.

G is the Queen. Consider this:

1. She gets her feet kissed regularly by everyone who lays eyes on them. She is calculated in her cuteness. You have no power over her. You are at her mercy. Must...kiss...precious...fat...sausage...toes.....

2. Everyone in this house has a life moulded around her mood and her schedule. If Queen Gillian is not happy, no one is happy. If Queen Gillian is hungry, we starve until she is satiated. If she is sleepy, she retires to her luxury suite to rest, regardless of what our plans are for the day. In fact we aren't so foolish as to make "plans for the day" anymore, because we must have a window in the morning and in the afternoon free for her highness to get her beauty rest...so it's more like "plans around the nap", and good luck. If she's awake, so are you. But when she's happy...well, it's really good when she's happy.

3. She doesn't have to feed herself, bathe herself, or even wipe her own behind. She has the staff to perform those more mundane tasks so she can focus on the finer things, like eating a book, or a plastic bag, or her own feet.

4. She throws things to the floor and amongst passionate fits of rage on a regular basis to test the good will of the staff. She has trained said staff to fetch and retrieve.

5. She has custom meals made fresh daily, biologically engineered to her metabolic needs.

6. She gets wheeled around in a posh ride or carried about like a high priestess whilst out and about in the neighborhood such that her precious aforementioned sausages never touch unclean sidewalks and streets of the city.

7. People send gifts. To win her favour, or her heart, perhaps, or both.

8. She is photographed and filmed by rabid paparazzi on a regular basis.

9. She has two court jesters whose job it is to entertain her day and night.

10. Like Paris Hilton, she has people. You know, people that open her mail, pay her bills, shop for her, tell her what to sign... but she's smarter than Paris Hilton becaused instead of driving after a night of partying, our girl passes out where she lay in a drunken milk coma when she gets sauced with one too many mama cocktails.

So, there you have it. This castle is ruled by someone who has no teeth, whose idea of fun is smearing banana all over her body, and can't even make an intelligible speech. It's amazing what people will tolerate when you're cute.