Reflection

With all the ad nauseum coverage of the tragic death of party girl Anna Nicole Smith, I am reminded of my own days of wild abandon...when I knew nothing of consequence for my actions. Now that I am not only a bonified adult, a parent no less, I remember those days fondly. People that never grow out of that phase get tagged with labels that are mostly unkind. Maybe it makes people feel uncomfortable that some people never become more inhibited as they age (never leave Neverland?), maybe that honesty is too much. Or maybe the discomfort is the cause of all the derision and judgement. After all, we often only pay attention when people fall. Maybe it's part of the human condition that that the tragedy of others makes us feel better about ourselves-some people's lives are as fascinating as a train wreck that we can't bring ourselves to avert our eyes from.

One day Gillian will test our limits-her own and the ones we set in this household. It is a tricky balancing act to let her become who she is meant to be, while providing some reasonable amount of protection and boundaries. Given the fact that I plan on giving her my journals, it will become clear that I was no saint as a young person. I have no regrets about where I was then and who I have evolved to be. I want my children to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with gasping for life as if you are choking...feeling so incredibly alive that every single moment is worth remembering. All the girls that were there with me in those moments have become more responsible, too. We are wives, and moms, and homemakers, and teachers, and scientists, and clinicians...but those seeds are alive and well inside each of us. I want Gillian to know what it is to stand on the edge, so that she never feels like she didn't really live, in whatever capacity that is (even if it means streaking through Pizza Hut with granny sunglasses and capes on during the dinner hour :-). I guess I'll just hope that she is self-aware, secure, a critical thinker, and never screws up enough to really regret anything she does. My wish for her is that she embrace herself completely, knows real love, that she dares to dream big dreams, that she is brave enough to run after them, and that she is tenacious enough to never quit until she is satisfied. Oh-and that we are strong enough and trust her enough to stand aside and let her.