Work

I went to St. Croix, Virgin Islands, to work on a cluster of industrial sites that take up miles of the island's southern coast line. These facilities are causing some serious air issues. I would love to go into detail, but can't at this point (enforcement stuff). Needless to say, the work we are doing is desperately needed, and I witnessed first hand, and thankfully very briefly, what the residents nearby have to live with day after day. Of course, concerns over air exposures are easily trumped in some of these neighborhoods by the need for running water and electricity, but I digress.

In the past two weeks, I was gone from the girls for 7 days (5 consecutive days for the St. Croix sites, and 2 for a facility in Ohio). You might recall that Gillian was in Florida for 11 days last month, and she did great. Well, Gillian is 5. Addie is not 5, and Addie wasn't so keen on me being gone for 7 days in a 9-day period. Luckily, the girls' amazing grandmother was willing to come and stay with them and extra 4 days beyond the original "Gillian birthday extravaganza" plan to help Sean.   We were exceedingly blessed for that. But.

People coming and going is a bit rough on 2 year olds. Especially when they're teething. Especially when they're sick and teething. Anyway, Nonni left Thursday, and I got home Friday. When I got home Friday, Addie didn't want much to do with me-sure, she would flirt with me, not unlike how she flirted with her 15 year old babysitter yesterday. But, she didn't want me to hold her, and she averted her eyes from me looking at her. Until the Monster Meltdown From Hell. This began when I asked her to give me my phone so she could have a bath. She said NO. I asked again and she said "NOOOOOOO". So, I took the phone and carried her to the bathroom. She was kicking and screaming and writhing. She was not interested in me or anything I was selling. I felt like me touching her was akin to a pirhana chewing her extremities-she was so repulsed and not having it. I tried to hold her until she calmed down (and eventually take her clothes off to put her in the tub), but she is freakishly strong when she's that upset. She kept trying to leave the guest room, and eventually I opened the door, but she stood at the open door, crying and telling me to "GO AWAY" and "LEAVE ME ALONE" until she was hoarse and squeaky. After 30 minutes of this, I took a break and sat in the living room. She didn't follow me. Sean went in to give it a try, and then she was saying "I want Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa".... 

I came back, forceably took off her clothes and diaper and put her in the tub and gave her a very quick, very logistically difficult bath. The crying went on a while longer (all in all about an hour and 15 minutes), and when she didn't have an ounce of fight left, she collapsed into my arms, whimpering and clingy, where she remained the rest of the night until she went to bed. She was stuck to me like glue all weekend, and it was painfully clear that she didn't do too well with the Absent Working Mama thing. And I feel terrible about it. Because she doesn't understand anything except I wasn't there. And maybe there was also a smidge of this weird counterbalance of being abandoned by me AND then Nonni when Nonni left. And wow, when you can't process these things it just materializes as a monster emotional meltdown.

It's a conflicting feeling-I love my work. I love the opportunity I have to make something a little bit better in the world for people living next to these facilities. But my work takes me from home 48 hours a week that I can't give back to my family (that is my job and commute). It's hard to reconcile that. And although I don't travel nearly as much as I did before the kids, I still hate being away overnight when I am gone. I use to live for that crazy pace, but not anymore. Now I consolidate my work into intense 2 day, 1 night trips to spend as little time away from home as I can. My agency does allow telecommuting, which, even with doing it 2 days a week, would save me approximately 9 days a year in commute time. But I'm not allowed to telecommute because we are in a small regional office. I can definitely say that CTA isn't nearly as charming as my babies.

I wouldn't stay at home full time, even if I could, because I wouldn't be the best mother I can be that way. To value and honor my time with the kids, I have to have my own coveted little world. In that world, I am more than the housewife stereotype that is so pervasive in the world (though that stereotype is absurd-there is no harder and more thankless job on earth than keeping house, caring for your children, and staying home with them all day). Even if I am completely wiped out from work, coming through my front door to the love and energy of my girls rejuvenates me (long enough to get through bed time, at least).

Alas, the trickiness of the home vs. work balancing act. It hasn't gotten easier in the past 60 years for us at all.