Gillian's first trip. Without us.

This is a milestone day. The first one where Gillian will spend her night in a different city...different state, even, than me. I can't really explain how I am feeling right now, but it's a bit schizo. On one hand, I love to see that my girl is so secure that this is a huge adventure and she skipped out of here, so excited. On the other, I have this irrational fear that the force field of my love being remote has left her vulnerable to the danger and elements of the world.

Nonni flew up here Monday night, stayed yesterday, and left with my firstborn today. My precious baby that I have invested UNGODLY amounts of time and love in. Well, I suppose it's actually very Godly, but I digress. I knew this day would come, but I guess I wasn't prepared for the WEEPING that overtook me when the car carrying them drove away. What *might* have done it was blowing kisses and that parting comment from Gillian, "Bye Mama! I love you in a circle!". Oh, why did she pull that one out of the air? You see, when Gillian was in her 2s, we use to play game where we would say "I love you to X and back", where we would insert things like "the grocery store" or "the moon" or "the ends of the ocean". One night, we were playing and went on for a good 15 minutes, when Gillian said "Mama, I love you in a circle". It was hard to drive after she said that, since my eyes were so filled up with love that they just started spilling out everywhere. So, that is our special-code-big-gun statement for how much we love eachother. We love eachother in a way that has no beginning and no end..permanent...eternal. In a circle.

I know Nonni and Grandaddy will take immaculate care of her, and I know that she will have so. much. fun! But. I remember how I mused about her independence and being influenced and molded in a world not involving me when she started school last year...it's kind of like that, but in a much more tangible way. She is physically outside my realm of control. It is both terrifying and liberating. Bipolar.

That is not to say Gillian left without a second glance. Monday night (before Nonni arrived and when Papa was gone) she had a full fledged meltdown...not a temperamental one, but a tragic and sad one. She kept saying that she was going to miss us...and that she wanted her Papa. She said she wanted us to go with her, and then she said she didn't want Addie to get to stay with us all alone. She was so into the wallowing that she even said "I miss PEEPERS (our cat who has been dead for nearly two years now)" and "I want to give grandaddy a hug because he is sooooo sad Grandmama died"... All of these things sobbed between hyperventilation/wailing. The pillow was soaked with tears. This one wasn't a performance. I snuggled in bed and hugged and tickled her until she was sound asleep. Then I asked my boss for Tuesday afternoon off. Nonni and I took Gillian to lunch and then I took Gillian on a Mama/Gillian date to the water park. We played mermaid for 2 hours, and then went to Home Depot to pick up some paint because I am going to go to town on her bedroom and do it up super-girlie. I let her pick out the colors, and I can tell you there are several shades of PINK involved. It's her choice, and I would say I am pretty entrenched in the parenting a girl thing. Anyway, the point is that I feel like I at least got a good date in yesterday which makes today a tiny bit easier...

To help myself process, let me analyze the specific pros and cons of allowing Gillian to go to Florida:

The pros: Gillian gets a brand new experience and gets to spend a lot of focused time with her grandparents. Gillian will be having fun doing new things while I am on work travel next week instead of being home missing me. I don't have to hear anyone bickering or fighting for 11 days. I don't have to choose who to hug first when I walk in the door from work...and related, I get to wallow in my Addie love and not feel guilty for Gillian's jealousy. I can give Addie 100% of my undivided attention. Bed time is half as long. I can do more around the house because I get a break at nap time. Entertainment is a whole lot easier with a 2 year old than an almost-5-year-old. Dinner will be more quiet and calm. I don't have to role play for 11 days (it is sweet (and utterly exhausting), but I love the vacation from that one!). We will have a few sweet snuggley mornings with just Addie in our bed like Gillian had for nearly three years before Addie was born.

The cons: This house will be TOO QUIET. I will have one less set of arms to hug me and not nearly enough kisses. Dinner will be more quiet and calm. I won't get to see my girls hugging and kissing eachother and playing this elementary stage of play that is so fantastic and beautiful. I won't have anyone to pretend with and talk to before bedtime...and make up wild and wonderful stories about dream dates with...or make monsters or bears or princesses with out of playdough or clay.

As much as I tell you honestly, the trials of parenting my crazy Gillybean, I wouldn't trade a single bit of it ever for all the money on earth. She is EXACTLY who I was intended to parent. I am just feeling, today, like she was excised from my space and it is hurting quite a bit. How I love and love and love that girl. My girl.