Feeling like Mother of the Year

Some days of parenting make me wonder how I thought I was qualified for this mom job. Just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you should. So, today, when I was standing next to the moneky bars at the playground and Gillian kept yelling and demanding things of me and proceeded to throw a super-gigantic-monster fit because I suggested that she really didn't NEED me to do the monkey bars, because let's face it, she could really do it herself (and I had already helped her a few times and told her she could continue to practice by herself)....well. I just couldn't negotiate anymore. I couldn't let her stand there like a diva and tell me what to do ("right NOW" she even said). So, I said, "you don't talk to me that way. Let's go home. You can try it another day". What I really wanted to do was spank her entitled, spoiled little behind right there in front of God, the world, and everybody. Oh, the crying and drama than ensued. Every parent was looking to see what horrible ill I had inflicted on this precious little girl. Maybe I shouldn't be sparing the rod, but my friends that spank don't seem to have this problem. One person we know puts their kids in a cold shower when they really deserve a good spanking.

Good Lord. I look around everywhere we go, and I don't see kids acting like mine. I try really hard to figure out what I'm doing wrong, but we are pretty consistent, we do plenty of time outs, and the behavior persists. Everyone says these ages are rough (God knows Addie is definitely in the terrible twos), but this bad?? Gillian even knows how to pull out the big guns-she plays on the guilt she obviously knows I feel for working, and pitifully (whilst whimpering after a crying fit) will say something like, "I just feel like you love Addie more than me, and I just love you and wish I could spend more time with you". Ah, that. If I didn't feel terrible enough.

My kids are not the good little children in church that respectfully keep their mouths shut during a homily. Mine are the ones yelling into the quiet (making everyone turn around to see who has the audacity) to hear the echo and running around squealing at the back of the church (we have stopped taking them both to mass-although Gillian can manage to sit dutifully the entire hour, Addie is bored after 3 minutes-even with books, crayons, and toys). Mine are not the children who sit in the grocery cart and help me decide on what to buy. Mine are causing a scene and fighting over something and slapping eachother over the right to hold a banana. We don't all go to the store anymore unless Sean joins us (best possible scenario is me going alone...ahhh, how I love the quiet!). Gillian is fine by herself at the store, but when Addie's there, she decides to act like her instead of setting an example. Even at the playground, my kids can't just enjoy themselves-Addie is running off to the beach while Gillian is crying because I won't hold her up to the monkey bars (which I have seen her master when her peers are around) or push her on the swing (which she can do herself). Last weekend, we left the Irish pub where all Sean's friends were playing music, full beers and plates of food on the table, because Gillian threw a fit because she wanted to dance, and then we had a chance and I took her up to the musician circle, and then she decided she didn't want to, so I went and sat back down. Well, then she screamed and cried because she wanted to dance. This entire scene was disruptive to the musicians and all the patrons who came to enjoy a pint and listen to some tunes, and highly embarrassing to Sean, who considers these people friends. Many, many children go to that jam and enjoy it and behave and dance all by themselves, but mine are not among them (but they use to be...?).

I am hoping this is a phase. A miserable, frustrating phase (even this makes me sad-I want to cherish every second I have with them, but it's hard on these rougher days). I like to remind myself that one day I'll be glad Gillian and Addie both are so strong willed and opinionated, but today is not that day. In fact, I will probably not fully appreciate that until they are off in the world kicking asses and taking names. In the mean time, I will continue to second guess whether or not we could be doing things better. I will say, when Gillian and I are alone, we always have a fabulous time. Her music teacher, who comes here during the summer for her piano lessons, tells me that she and Gillian's teachers believed she is a "well mannered, well behaved angel" at school. This tells me she saves it all for me, but that at least she knows how she's supposed to behave around people. I also have to believe that Addie's presence is the catalyst for most of this, but also have to believe that one day these girls will be best friends. Already they are playing more together, hugging and kissing more, and seem to enjoy eachother's company lots more than even three months ago. But I feel like a therapist, a very bad, untrained therapist, that should be able to recognize what triggers Gillian's meltdowns, and how to react better than with the frustration I often feel.