Reunion

It was funny to see how the girls acted toward eachother last night when Gillian got home from being with Nonni and Grandaddy for 11 long days. Gillian was very patient and sweet with Addie and Addie didn't want Gillian to leave her sight for a second. Then in the tub Gillian apologized for being "mean to Addie all these years." There was much gentle stroking of faces and kisses and hugs and talking about how much they love eachother. Then Gillian put Addie's bandaids on her booboos and brushed her hair for me. And made a little bed on the floor and read Addie's bedtime stories. Sean and I just sat on the couch and watched their sweet, snuggly reunion.

Dinner Conversation

"Mama's a GIRL.
Anna's a GIRL.
Haukie's a BOY.
Grandaddy's a BOY.
Addie's a GIRL.
Papa's a BOY. Papa has a PENIS.
Mama's a GIRL. Mama has a 'gina.
I want chocolate."

On only children

(Papa and Addie sitting out back Saturday morning listening to, and discussing thunder)

Wow, Addie has TOTALLY LOVED being the only child the past week. Her language has exploded even more. Last weekend she correctly used the words "maybe" (Me: "where is your ball?" her: "MAYBE it's downstairs") and "good idea" (Me: "Addie, what do you think about going to the playground?" her: "Mama-that's a good idea!"). She also is cracking me up with her use of "dangerous" and "worry". I guess she took that Yo Gabba Gabba episode to heart about being careful. So, if she's standing precariously on some random piece of playground equipment or about to free fall into the cushions from the side of the couch, she might say "WHOA, Addie! It's DANJRUSS! I make mama WORRY!". Then she laughs and does something completely insane that makes me almost have a heart attack. And laughs some more. I haven't taught her the words "heart attack" but I might. Sean says she will be out daredevil and we're in for it later. I think he's right.

I also notice the more subtle-like last night Addie rolled onto her stomach in the bathtub and said "look at me, Mama! I'm a mermaid (clearly stolen from Gillian)!!!"...and at the playground she said some dead leaves were mice and was cradling them gently, and then put them to bed with some mulch. Or that her spoon and fork "are dancing" at the dinner table, or maybe they get tired from all that and go night night with her napkin. BECAUSE SHE SURE ISN'T EATING. *sigh*

I have to say, it is so sweet to spend so much time with Addie. I get to feel like a sane parent again, like I have some semblance of control. Because so much of the time with two kids you are wrangling and trying to keep the peace. I am feeling more deliberate and relaxed...I have gotten some stuff done (oh, the bedroom turned out SO CUTE! Will post pics after I get the new bed sheets and curtains hung-can I just say that Gillian is going to freak out!? Pink and pink and purple and flowers. Totally freak. It is fit for a princess!). I get to have conversations at the playground with other parents without anyone pulling me away to play a mean witch or a princess-mermaid sister. So. Nice. But.

There really is always a but, isn't there? When we Skype with Gillian and I see her sweet face, I have visceral pain that I can't hug her good night. Pretending to kiss the Gilly-in-the-computer just isn't the same as kissing her and breathing in the smell of her little face. She slays me on a regular day with all her age-appropriate challenges, but of course I think she is a MAGNIFICENT child-so imaginative and creative. So, even though my life is easier without her here, I would never choose a life without her here. Both of my girls are completely different people when they are alone with us. It is remarkable the behavioral differences. Gillian is sweet, well-behaved, chatty, and warm. Addie is snuggly and happy and not nearly as whiney. And here's what I have really noticed since Gillian has been gone- ADDIE SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT WHEN GILLIAN ISN'T HERE. What is that all about? That has transformed my life, people. Wonderful, fabulous sleep! All I can figure out is that Addie has a LOT of nightmares that involve Gillian taking her stuff or them fighting about something (I know this because I hear her crying out in her sleep "nooooooooooooooooooo...MINE!").

Now here is something that truly has me irate:

So, I am missing Gillian desperately, and the days Sean is supposed to fly down and bring her home there is a major HURRICANE? Seriously? Ahh, the universe and her sense of humor. Her first day of school MIGHT be Monday.

Anyway, this past weekend, we so enjoyed out time as a family threesome. We hit the music/art festival on Glenwood (a short 2 block walk from our house)-which I totally think I am going to participate in next year! Addie got to see her buds Piper and Hauk and danced and hugged and kissed MANY neighborhood doggies (*sigh* my dog-free days are numbered, I fear). We enjoyed dusk at the beach both days and spent plenty of time outside enjoying the amazing weather. I think 75 and sunny is just about as perfect as it gets, and we are enjoying the waning days of summer (consequently, this is also the part when I rave about how I never want to leave Chicago).

Tomorrow and Friday I will be home with Addie, taking in the last few days alone together. I guess I feel a little sad that a second child just doesn't get this type of attentive, complete connection like a first. I feel like coming home will be a big adjustment for both of them-having had undivided attention both here and with the grandparents. I do think, though, that having this vacation with Addie will make me more sensitive to making some time to notice her sweet subtleties. She is just as amazing, and silly, and just as much a conscious little being as her sister and I have had the luxury of immersing myself in all things Addie in this little window of life. So, I count my blessings having had the opportunity to really BE with Addie this past week. Life is good.

Gillian's first trip. Without us.

This is a milestone day. The first one where Gillian will spend her night in a different city...different state, even, than me. I can't really explain how I am feeling right now, but it's a bit schizo. On one hand, I love to see that my girl is so secure that this is a huge adventure and she skipped out of here, so excited. On the other, I have this irrational fear that the force field of my love being remote has left her vulnerable to the danger and elements of the world.

Nonni flew up here Monday night, stayed yesterday, and left with my firstborn today. My precious baby that I have invested UNGODLY amounts of time and love in. Well, I suppose it's actually very Godly, but I digress. I knew this day would come, but I guess I wasn't prepared for the WEEPING that overtook me when the car carrying them drove away. What *might* have done it was blowing kisses and that parting comment from Gillian, "Bye Mama! I love you in a circle!". Oh, why did she pull that one out of the air? You see, when Gillian was in her 2s, we use to play game where we would say "I love you to X and back", where we would insert things like "the grocery store" or "the moon" or "the ends of the ocean". One night, we were playing and went on for a good 15 minutes, when Gillian said "Mama, I love you in a circle". It was hard to drive after she said that, since my eyes were so filled up with love that they just started spilling out everywhere. So, that is our special-code-big-gun statement for how much we love eachother. We love eachother in a way that has no beginning and no end..permanent...eternal. In a circle.

I know Nonni and Grandaddy will take immaculate care of her, and I know that she will have so. much. fun! But. I remember how I mused about her independence and being influenced and molded in a world not involving me when she started school last year...it's kind of like that, but in a much more tangible way. She is physically outside my realm of control. It is both terrifying and liberating. Bipolar.

That is not to say Gillian left without a second glance. Monday night (before Nonni arrived and when Papa was gone) she had a full fledged meltdown...not a temperamental one, but a tragic and sad one. She kept saying that she was going to miss us...and that she wanted her Papa. She said she wanted us to go with her, and then she said she didn't want Addie to get to stay with us all alone. She was so into the wallowing that she even said "I miss PEEPERS (our cat who has been dead for nearly two years now)" and "I want to give grandaddy a hug because he is sooooo sad Grandmama died"... All of these things sobbed between hyperventilation/wailing. The pillow was soaked with tears. This one wasn't a performance. I snuggled in bed and hugged and tickled her until she was sound asleep. Then I asked my boss for Tuesday afternoon off. Nonni and I took Gillian to lunch and then I took Gillian on a Mama/Gillian date to the water park. We played mermaid for 2 hours, and then went to Home Depot to pick up some paint because I am going to go to town on her bedroom and do it up super-girlie. I let her pick out the colors, and I can tell you there are several shades of PINK involved. It's her choice, and I would say I am pretty entrenched in the parenting a girl thing. Anyway, the point is that I feel like I at least got a good date in yesterday which makes today a tiny bit easier...

To help myself process, let me analyze the specific pros and cons of allowing Gillian to go to Florida:

The pros: Gillian gets a brand new experience and gets to spend a lot of focused time with her grandparents. Gillian will be having fun doing new things while I am on work travel next week instead of being home missing me. I don't have to hear anyone bickering or fighting for 11 days. I don't have to choose who to hug first when I walk in the door from work...and related, I get to wallow in my Addie love and not feel guilty for Gillian's jealousy. I can give Addie 100% of my undivided attention. Bed time is half as long. I can do more around the house because I get a break at nap time. Entertainment is a whole lot easier with a 2 year old than an almost-5-year-old. Dinner will be more quiet and calm. I don't have to role play for 11 days (it is sweet (and utterly exhausting), but I love the vacation from that one!). We will have a few sweet snuggley mornings with just Addie in our bed like Gillian had for nearly three years before Addie was born.

The cons: This house will be TOO QUIET. I will have one less set of arms to hug me and not nearly enough kisses. Dinner will be more quiet and calm. I won't get to see my girls hugging and kissing eachother and playing this elementary stage of play that is so fantastic and beautiful. I won't have anyone to pretend with and talk to before bedtime...and make up wild and wonderful stories about dream dates with...or make monsters or bears or princesses with out of playdough or clay.

As much as I tell you honestly, the trials of parenting my crazy Gillybean, I wouldn't trade a single bit of it ever for all the money on earth. She is EXACTLY who I was intended to parent. I am just feeling, today, like she was excised from my space and it is hurting quite a bit. How I love and love and love that girl. My girl. 

Imaginative play

Addie is funny. Really, really funny. Like, stand up comedian funny. She loves to be silly to make us laugh. This weekend, Addie and Gillian had some great play time, and I hear with my own ears, when Gillian said "Addie, let's play Princesses"...Addie said (in her usual, overly pacifying tone) "Ohhhhkayyy Gillian". Then Gillian said "who do you want to be?" and, seriously y'all, Addie said "Baby Rapunzel". Gillian is training her up right to love all things princess and all things pink.

Something not so cute lately is Gillian roaring in Addie's face with her "claws" up like a T-Rex and making Addie cry. Gillian has been getting LOTS of time outs over that. Well, that and chasing Addie around the house making her screech in panic and fear while making a T-Rex sound (Addie comes crashing into my thighs screaming and crying her head off when this happens). When the girls are ugly to eachother, whether it be physically, or yelling, or scaring, they have to apologize, give eachother a hug, and if warranted, kiss the site of the offense/booboo. So, Addie processed the T-Rex terror by acting the scene out with two little Happy Meal Smurfs in the kitchen yesterday when it was just us. So, one Smurf went "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" then she made the other one cry. Then the first Smurf said "I'm sowwy Gi-yann" and then Gillian Smurf said "That's OK. I forgive you" and they hugged and kissed. Then they held hands and went to the playground. So, in Addie's world, she is the one who is powerful enough to torment Gillian with terrifying dinosaur roars, but she is also compassionate and sorry. Well, at least she sees Gillian modeling kindness enough to imitate it. 

This weekend, Gillian and Addie played so well together. I had a glimpse of the future and it looks pretty awesomely SANE. the day when they can role play for hours by themselves will be amazing. But in the meantime, I am playing a lot of mermaid princess in my house. The current favorite storyline is that I catch Gillian in the sea and bring her back and put her in my tank at home (she, every SINGLE night tells me she has "long rainbow hair that GROWS EVERY SECOND" and "a rainbow mermaid tail to HERE with pink fins" (gesturing toward ankles)). Sometimes she is a baby mermaid (with no parents) who was "just born" and other times she is an adult mermaid and Addie is her baby. Either way, when she dries off her tail, they become legs (we once watched Splash with her), and then I introduce her to such foreign things as underpants, nightgowns, and toothbrushes. The emotional pinnacle of her story is when (after prompting that it's time to "ask the question") I ask her to stay and be my daughter. To this she adds, "Yeah, I'll stay with you forever" and then I breathlessly exclaim "REALLY!?! YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME??" Then she nods, beaming, and we give eachother a giant hug of celebration. This is a sweet little storyline, and varies some, but holy moly it's hard to muster the energy after my 12 hour day. I keep telling myself that one day she won't give me the time of day and to enjoy it while I can.

Two other Stories of the Moment are: 1) Gillian is the Easter Bunny, who is really a beautiful princess in disguise and also the daughter and personal Elf Assistant of Santa Claus. In this story I am the child, and she wears a terrifying water color bunny mask she made in preschool (I swear I had a nightmare about it the first time we played this game). 2) Gillian is Ariel Marianna and/or Rapunzel (whose rainbow hair GROWS EVERY SECOND) and she is getting married (first she tried telling me she was 19 and had a baby when she was getting married and I told her she had to be married already to have a baby in my house, so she decided she was 25 and getting married). We put the crown and veil on and I play the wedding march on the piano, and we have a big dinner party, and last time, she even laid on the floor and gave birth to baby doll Rapunzel. I tenderly swaddled her and handed her over. GILLIAN LOVES THESE GAMES. She is also ashamed of them and tells me not to tell Papa or Nonni about them. How precious that she trusts me that much. ♥ ♥

Feeling like Mother of the Year

Some days of parenting make me wonder how I thought I was qualified for this mom job. Just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you should. So, today, when I was standing next to the moneky bars at the playground and Gillian kept yelling and demanding things of me and proceeded to throw a super-gigantic-monster fit because I suggested that she really didn't NEED me to do the monkey bars, because let's face it, she could really do it herself (and I had already helped her a few times and told her she could continue to practice by herself)....well. I just couldn't negotiate anymore. I couldn't let her stand there like a diva and tell me what to do ("right NOW" she even said). So, I said, "you don't talk to me that way. Let's go home. You can try it another day". What I really wanted to do was spank her entitled, spoiled little behind right there in front of God, the world, and everybody. Oh, the crying and drama than ensued. Every parent was looking to see what horrible ill I had inflicted on this precious little girl. Maybe I shouldn't be sparing the rod, but my friends that spank don't seem to have this problem. One person we know puts their kids in a cold shower when they really deserve a good spanking.

Good Lord. I look around everywhere we go, and I don't see kids acting like mine. I try really hard to figure out what I'm doing wrong, but we are pretty consistent, we do plenty of time outs, and the behavior persists. Everyone says these ages are rough (God knows Addie is definitely in the terrible twos), but this bad?? Gillian even knows how to pull out the big guns-she plays on the guilt she obviously knows I feel for working, and pitifully (whilst whimpering after a crying fit) will say something like, "I just feel like you love Addie more than me, and I just love you and wish I could spend more time with you". Ah, that. If I didn't feel terrible enough.

My kids are not the good little children in church that respectfully keep their mouths shut during a homily. Mine are the ones yelling into the quiet (making everyone turn around to see who has the audacity) to hear the echo and running around squealing at the back of the church (we have stopped taking them both to mass-although Gillian can manage to sit dutifully the entire hour, Addie is bored after 3 minutes-even with books, crayons, and toys). Mine are not the children who sit in the grocery cart and help me decide on what to buy. Mine are causing a scene and fighting over something and slapping eachother over the right to hold a banana. We don't all go to the store anymore unless Sean joins us (best possible scenario is me going alone...ahhh, how I love the quiet!). Gillian is fine by herself at the store, but when Addie's there, she decides to act like her instead of setting an example. Even at the playground, my kids can't just enjoy themselves-Addie is running off to the beach while Gillian is crying because I won't hold her up to the monkey bars (which I have seen her master when her peers are around) or push her on the swing (which she can do herself). Last weekend, we left the Irish pub where all Sean's friends were playing music, full beers and plates of food on the table, because Gillian threw a fit because she wanted to dance, and then we had a chance and I took her up to the musician circle, and then she decided she didn't want to, so I went and sat back down. Well, then she screamed and cried because she wanted to dance. This entire scene was disruptive to the musicians and all the patrons who came to enjoy a pint and listen to some tunes, and highly embarrassing to Sean, who considers these people friends. Many, many children go to that jam and enjoy it and behave and dance all by themselves, but mine are not among them (but they use to be...?).

I am hoping this is a phase. A miserable, frustrating phase (even this makes me sad-I want to cherish every second I have with them, but it's hard on these rougher days). I like to remind myself that one day I'll be glad Gillian and Addie both are so strong willed and opinionated, but today is not that day. In fact, I will probably not fully appreciate that until they are off in the world kicking asses and taking names. In the mean time, I will continue to second guess whether or not we could be doing things better. I will say, when Gillian and I are alone, we always have a fabulous time. Her music teacher, who comes here during the summer for her piano lessons, tells me that she and Gillian's teachers believed she is a "well mannered, well behaved angel" at school. This tells me she saves it all for me, but that at least she knows how she's supposed to behave around people. I also have to believe that Addie's presence is the catalyst for most of this, but also have to believe that one day these girls will be best friends. Already they are playing more together, hugging and kissing more, and seem to enjoy eachother's company lots more than even three months ago. But I feel like a therapist, a very bad, untrained therapist, that should be able to recognize what triggers Gillian's meltdowns, and how to react better than with the frustration I often feel.

Names

The girl is learning what's in a name. And her lisp is there to maximize the cuteness. Never one to miss an opportunity, I grabbed the camera like lightening when we were reading this sweet book she got for her birthday. Because she started telling me the little pig was "Addie" and that "I'm two years old". Then she started telling me everyone's name. Even her pacifiers' names ("Nums Numpthsss").

Summertime

This has been an honest-to-God real summer. None of that "hardly breaking 80 degrees" stuff. I feel like I'm home. I love the ease of getting the kids ready to go outside (bundling up is not as much fun as it looks like it would be-haha!), I love walking up to the playground and seeing all our friends from the neighborhood at any given time, I love just walking up the street to get a bite, or go to the movies, or grab a coffee. I love the sense of community at the lakefront where you are bound to see at least a few people you know when you go for an evening walk or swim after dinner. Lots of happy people and happy dogs running around the beach these days in the soft quieter moments before sunset.

Not to say that we don't miss being near family..we do. But we love the community that we have become entrenched in. It's a little sad to think this time next year we will be saying goodbye to Anna, who has raised Addie since she was born and Gillian since she was 14 months old. But then the girls begin a new chapter of being in school at our neighborhood catholic school that happens to also be our parish.

I am still agonizing over whether to have another child, but that is a purely emotional decision. The girls are growing so fast, and I can easily get verclempt over the idea of how shockingly quiet my house will be one day. All the grating calling for Mama or Papa will be gone, replaced by the deafening stillness of us, and we will ache for that chaos again. My babies will make their way into the world, and with any luck they will stop and look back fondly on these endless days of summer and forgive us for moments of impatience...and maybe even give us a call to tell us how they are doing every now and then.

Here are a few images from the past month from my phone. Tonight we will do more of the same-soaking it all the way in-so we can have some extra warmth to get us through the long, cold winter.

Gillian enjoying the water on a gorgeous summer evening

Ahhhhh

Looking for something

Pretty at the park

Taking a break from the pool to play a few tunes

Playing on the "rainbow" at Pratt Beach

Morning scene on the weekends

Gillian is getting braver with the help of her (not even kidding a little bit) child therapist swim teacher

Loving on Papa

Gillian's first Cubs game-EVER-was a special date with Papa

Snuggling with Papa and talking to Nonni and Grandaddy on Skype