Reflection

As I am wont to do, I am reflecting on life in general this New Year's Eve. A few intense lessons this year, to be sure.

I am thinking again about how every year brings changes-welcome, and not. I am thinking that sometimes unwelcome changes can force your growth in a way that is exceedingly painful...and all the wishes and affirmations you put forth into the universe echo back in some warped version of your vision of them. This was one of the hardest years of emotional growth for me in a long time. I had to learn to overcome a very difficult relationship with someone I see often without distancing myself physically...I had to learn that sometimes you just can't fix how you are perceived and you can't make it all better when the other person isn't interested in healing a relationship that is broken. I eventually realized that threats and ugliness from others sometimes are not a reflection of my flaws or shortcomings, but maybe are attributes that belong solely to them. I realized that I am quick to blame myself for cracks in the foundation of relationships, or the utter razing of them, and that I need to treat myself with some gentleness and grant myself the luxury of being blameless every now and then. The relationship is not fixed, but at least it is semi-civil. It will never be better. I had to let go of demons that haunted me for many long, miserable months; that affected my relationship with my family; that were all I could think about or talk about; I had to think about them and talk about them until I was so sick of them that I couldn't think or talk about them anymore. And it took away months of my life. I learned that I am so sensitive that my yearning to understand other people's motives affects my mental wellbeing if those explanations remain unresolved. And so, I worked through all this ad nauseum with my beloved therapist, who I saw for the last time in October after two enlightening, painful, and amazing years of self-study. And although I knew it intellectually, I realized and really internalized that other people's actions, ever seeming so intensely personal and hateful, are sometimes mirror images of their own agonies that I will never know or understand. And I realized that maybe those agonies are exacerbated by my very existence, through no fault of my own. And the saddest thing-that not everyone will like me, or will even pretend to be civil...this was my first taste of open loathing, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to manage. I had to work very hard to cultivate compassion and empathy for an enemy, like some sort of Buddhist enlightenment exercise. Someone I see daily. Someone I tried to get away from by applying for different jobs, but from which the universe provided no escape. Because God intended me to learn by pinning me, very uncomfortably, right where I am. I got to a place where I stopped taking it personally. And I started feeling sorry for someone so filled with bitterness. And I eventually got to the place where I decided if I leave, it will be because I want to, and not because someone forced me out.

Every year, parenting grows us as well, and I am now fully invested in parenting multiple children. I learned that sleep is precious and affects how I interact with my spouse and my girls, and that I have to be the one to compromise when it becomes clear that others can't. After three months of 4 hours or less of sleep at night due to multiple wakings from both kids, we had to tow the hard line with the older of the two. The baby still wakes up twice a night, even though she is nearly 18 months old. They are my joy, and my exhaustion. They are central to world and my identity. They are the manifestation of every dream I have, but I have come to the realization that I can't have everything I want while providing everything they need. I fully planned to go to school for nurse practice a year ago. I even applied to school and registered for classes. After an honest and open discussion with Sean about the needs of my family-particularly his and those of the girls-I had to put my dream on the backburner. This was the first time I have ever admitted that I just wouldn't be able to swing something I wanted to do. Too much was at stake for too many people for me to wear myself thin. So, my revised plan is to do school full time when I retire and when the kids are not babies anymore. Gillian will be 13 and Addie will be 10 when I am retirement eligible, and maybe then-when the house is paid for, and I have more time to be a full time student, and the kids are not so tender, maybe then is the time for being Superwoman. I guess I have never known what to do with myself when I'm not being Superwoman, but alas, I am growing up and starting to look at the world in a less egocentric way. Perhaps, at the ripe old age of 36, I am finally beginning to mature.

In a related subject, we took on my niece for the Fall semester. She lived with us from mid-August through mid-December. We talked about it a lot before offering to let her stay with us, but I don't think we really considered the many ways that adding an 18 year old to our household dynamic would affect us. All of us. She certainly needed structure in her life...at 12 she dropped out of school and her parents let her. That was because my brother had cancer from the time she was 4 years old, and in the looming threat of another tumor, her needs got lost under the bridge. They simply didn't have the mental energy to force her to go to school when she cried and resisted. They never thought to ask what exactly happened to make her cry and resist, and she and I never got there either. We brought her up here when she was 13 to try and show her an example of how you can live with steady employment and familial stability, but her parents wouldn't let her stay (we offered to keep her here, get her tutoring and therapy, and into a good school). I almost felt like her mother didn't want her to achieve, because it would take her away from them. Her mother has been under her grandmother's thumb her entire life, save a short stint in her own home with my brother when Amber was little, before Jim was diagnosed with brain cancer. Her mother was a 9th grade dropout, and it was decided for me the day she wouldn't get out of bed to take her to her financial aid appointment (at the college where, against all odds, she joined a GED program and got her GED 1 month before she would have graduated from high school). I have harped on education as a way out as long as I have known her, and it seemed like she was taking to that advice, but I didn't trust that she would get where she wants to go with her family being responsible for getting her to school and making appointments for admissions and financial aid. So, we offered for her to come up here-she needed 15 credit hours so she could join the Airforce or Army (which is exactly the right road for her)-so she could focus only on school and not have the negativity of her grandmother (who often told her her mother would "die if she ever left" or that she "would never make it in the military") or the ineptitude of her mother. She seemed happy to make the change, and we thought "win win! free date nights! we both benefit!". I wasn't prepared for how ingrained the deeper lack of motivation was for her. I don't blame her, but she grew up in a house where the only person with work ethic was her ailing father...then later her aunt (mother's sister). So, the early honeymoon period was marked with free date nights, and plans for her future and her excited examination of living in a big city for the first time in her life-where she was in control of getting herself places (her school was on the train line 10 minutes from here), and she was in complete control of how she came and went and how she did at school. Then the cracks started to show-the kids sleep schedules fell apart (we had moved them into the same room, and that was great for about 4 weeks)...and my niece started resisting going to class and we had little rifts where she would get pissed when I reminded her of the fact that her ONLY job while here was going to school...and she couldn't get a job and make her own money, which frustrated her beyond belief and stressed her out. Eventually she was babysitting quite a bit for all our friends, but even we felt like we had to pay her so she could earn money-nevermind the free room and board. And it became clear that common courtesy and appreciation were not things she had been taught-and that those were things we would have to teach her as well. In general, having anyone extra in our house affects our dynamic after about 4 days, and this was extended. Not because it was her fault, but just because she was external to our nucleus. And all the time I thought she would free up and the help she would give ended up being time I spent being her life coach, lecturing her, tutoring her, and cheerleading for her. I had to find time I didn't have for yet another person at the expense of my husband and children. And they resented me for it-the kids were clingy and needy for me, and Sean and I were bickering a lot more than usual. It wasn't my niece's fault at all-it just happened. And I believe that she learned a lot about structure living here. By the time she left, she wouldn't miss class for anything, and she had built some self-esteem around classwork that she never had before. And she decided that maybe she could do college after all. She grew a whole lot, and I hope she doesn't go away with anything but good thoughts about her experience here. I can say that our family dynamic is much better now, and although it was hard, I was glad I got to know someone as special, sweet, and motivated against all odds as my niece. I hope we will always keep some closeness and that we get a front row seat watching her become something spectacular.

My niece being here and the sleep disruptions that resulted from putting the kids in the same bedroom (and subsequently resulting in me sleeping with Gillian in mine and Sean's bed and Sean sleeping in the room with Addie in Gillian's twin bed) was me recognizing and eventually having Gillian diagnosed and treated for obstructive sleep apnea. She had her tonsils and adenoids removed in November (a stressful decision in itself) but I wish we had done it much sooner. Her behavior and general demeanor is so much improved she at times feels like a different child. I suppose never getting restorative sleep affects many aspects of a person's life, not the least of which is appetite. She is finally really eating-maybe for the first time in her life. And we are all back in our respective bedrooms and sleeping much better (except Addie, but that's a different post).

Sean is doing so well in his work, and my work life has evened out after all my turmoil, and we have had so many milestones this year for which I am truly grateful. The forced growth was something I hated, but it was a lesson I needed. I talked to someone I respect a lot about it, and I asked "what would you do in this situation?" and he said "I guess I just don't expect people to like me...". That wisdom finally sunk in after several months of neurotic overanalysis.

So, in all, I have blossomed some, we didn't end up buying that house (which I believe would have been a major mistake), the condo is finally renovated as we wanted, Gillian is sleeping and eating, Addie is pure innocence and beauty every day, Gillian started school, I realized some personal boundaries and limitations, and life is getting more stable and structured. It has been quite a year, and I know exactly how blessed I am to have family, friends, health, and faith.