Acclimating is no cake walk

We started talking up the whole baby thing 8 months ago to Gillian..or around the time we thought it was safe enough to hope she would stick. I dutifully purchased some not-angry-at-the-new-baby books and one even showed fetal development to help Gillian grasp the whole baby-in-belly concept (there are lots of "I hate the baby" books, but I figured we don't need the negativity). The concept was completely abstract for a good long while, but along toward the last month or so, Gillian started acting out a little. I'm not sure if it is because of the age or because of the impending doom of change that is rocking her little world right now. I mean, kids that are almost three are hard to deal with without a family addition. They challenge you, test boundaries and rules, and try to see where your edges are if they push far enough. They need to find the edges so they can reasonably construct a world view that includes norms and acceptable behaviors in their immediate environment.

I was prepared for comments about taking the baby back or not wanting her around, but not for the anger toward me. It makes sense. Constance says to imagine I came home to Sean and found a new wife in our bed, and he said "don't worry, I'll still love you just as much". That kind of betrayal. That is the look I saw, that hurt, when she woke up from her nap, came around the corner, and into my room while I was nursing Addie our first solo day (me and the girls). I wish I could explain express how that ripped my heart right out. So, the acting out included things like pinching me, standing on my feet, digging her elbows into me (on purpose), hitting me, telling me she doesn't want me/to go away, and kicking me. This pretty much started after Sean's dad left, and during the time when his mom was still here. She really enjoyed pushing the limits with his mom here, since she could get away with more...obviously people don't know all your rules when they come to visit, and you can't expect them to want to lay down the law the way you do, so Gillian found a little loophole and went with it. She got to the point at the end of Suzi's stay where she was holding her poop and pee until she was in physical pain and for about 10 solid days said, all day long, "My tummy hurts" and ran to Suzi saying "hold me" or "rub my tummy", which happened, reinforcing Gillian to keep complaining (attention, even bad, is still attention). She began refusing naps and bedtimes, saying she didn't want to go to sleep, wasn't tired, and pulled out all the stops procrastinating going to bed. She would get out of bed 5-10 times and was throwing fits for 1-2 hours at bedtime. She was getting up between 1-5 am and going to Suzi's room to sleep with her. She lost her ability to self-soothe.

Suzi was here for three weeks, and was a tremendous help to us (I honestly don't think I would have managed even half as well without her). The mistake we made is to try to let her fill our roles almost completely, because that is usually what Gillian wants during Suzi's visits (and it's not usually a big deal for a long weekend/typical visit). I was working or running around tying up loose ends, and Sean really was busting his tail working when he could do crazy long hours. Had we tried harder to maintain Gillian's normal schedule, with me giving her a bath and putting her to bed, it would have helped...also, we didn't do our normal morning snuggle time/breakfast together, and she wasn't seeing her babysitter/kids three days a week. This further fragmented normalcy for Gillian, even before the baby came. I knew Suzi enjoyed doing all these things for Gillian, and we were happy to let her do them so we could rest and work, but looking back, we should have been more present for her. She probably felt abandoned even though she told us she wanted Nonni for just about everything.

Suzi left, Gillian now spends three days a week with Anna and the girls, and we had started dosing Gillian with Miralax in her evening milk sippy before that to make the poop unavoidable and not too painful to pass, so the poop issue started to work itself out with daily events...Sean and I now make sure I am available to Gillian for a morning snuggle that is just us (Addie is with Sean), and each of us has some alone time with her every day. We have had to rework bed and naptimes completely, and we are not having the trouble with getting her to sleep now that the routine is back in force. For the past three days, Gillian has stayed in her bed until 7 am, which is wake up time. Before that, if she woke up in the middle of the night, Sean was allowing her to stay in bed with him since I am currently sleeping in the guest room with Addie-in an effort to make me the only sleep deprived person in the house (we figure it's a delicate balance to require her to stay in her bed alone when the baby gets to sleep with me...so we were trying to give her nothing to oppose).

So, she is eating, pooping, sleeping, and is generally doing better, but we have our moments of 3ishness that are all kinds of trying. Gillian seems to truly have affection for Addie, and we try to encourage that. But she also has moments like when I asked her to get Addie's blanket for me and she said "No!" and I asked why and she said "because I want her to be cold". Time outs got trying for a couple days when she would pee on the floor when she got one (until we gave her the stuff to clean it up herself). But, all in all, we always have to keep in mind how important her routine is to her, and protect it as much as possible. I also don't know if I can quite forgive myself for abandoning Gillian, forcing Suzi to fill in while I was super pregnant...

All I can say is that I look forward to posting about our girls and all the silly things they do together, when they are the best of friends. Until then, we will continue to manage this transition the best we can.