Reflecting....

I forgot how much I loved this movie...we caught the tail end, and I have had a lot of time to think these past five days. I have watched Gillian running along the beach. Gillian in Sean's arms, mouth open, rushing toward me in the water, utterly delighted. Gillian, sleepy, just waking up, hungry for a haven in my arms to rest her innately sweet, incandescent self. Gillian squatting on the ground looking for shells to toss into the ocean. Gillian, so beautiful and pure and in love with everything...and I can't stop thinking that one day that won't be the case. She won't be here at this place anymore, and all I will have is these memories of her in times where she loved us like this.

We can't stop the marching of the seconds, and minutes, and hours, and days that are rushing past us. We can't have these days ever again. So they have to count, each one. I won't be able to scoop Gillian up, smelling her baby smell and burying my face in her sweet head, forever. I desperately try to preserve every moment like that, so aware I am of the ticking of time. How sweet and how sad, and how heavily to take this thing of raising another human being... all I can wish for her are all these angels to guide and keep her and all the love on earth to give her peace and build her truth.

"It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much.
My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst.
And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it.
And then it flows through me like rain.
And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."
-American Beauty, 1999