Thankful

We got home from our trip down to Florida last night. I can say we are in a single piece, in spite of the difficulties of travelling with a toddler, who likes nothing less than sitting still for five seconds, particularly in an enclosed metal tube with 150 other people for two hours.

This trip was bittersweet for me. The first part was very hard, and involved me tying up the last of the loose ends for my brother's funeral. Since no one else appears to be capable of dealing with the finality of his illness, I made calls to funeral homes, discussed procedures and packages, got prices, transported Dawn to see the facility and fill out the necessary paperwork, and got the Hospice minister over to pray with us and talk to us about Jim's service. On my last trip we went to the Hospice facility (where he will go in his last week or so of life) and chose a chapel for his service. In my stronger moments, I'm all about getting everything set so we are prepared, logistically at least, for his death. In my weaker ones, I lament and feel sorry for the fact that I have already lost all my grandparents and parents and now will be the last of my close relatives (although I do have a gypsy sister that I have seen once in the past 7 years). So, for me, this week was all about valuing and giving thanks for the things I have instead of regretting the things I don't. And for making sure Jim and Dawn had one last anniversary dinner (today is their 17th wedding anniversary).

That being said, I am reminded of this little coaster my mom brought home from the convenience store she worked at when I was in elementary school in the height of my adoration of unicorns and horses:

It has survived probably 25 years in my custody. I think I added the fortune cookie message after my mom died. But, as cliche and saccharine as it is, I love it because it reminds me of my journey...my learning to embrace the transcience of this life through the transformation of people close to me to eternity. It's sad, but it's beautiful for people to return home.

Anyway, my dear mother-in-law, Suzi, came down early for the holiday to help me with Gillian (Sean joined us Tuesday, and G and I left Sunday bright and early) and get a little one-on-one time in with her. We stayed right on Jax Beach, just about 10 minutes from Jim's. I really forget the magnificence of the sunrise and sunset in Florida, being away from home so long. From our vantage point:



We enjoyed quiet mornings on our balcony drinking tea and delighting in the antics of our darling girl, who with the added extra attention, seemed to forget all about the teeth that are still not in! Bearing witness to the graceful morning was such a cleansing thing, and such a priviledge.

Sean came in on Tuesday, and we spent Tuesday night with Andy-an old, close friend of his, and his very cool wife, Erin. They have a beautiful little boy named James, who Gillian really fell for. When her passion got the best of her, what could I say? She's a chip off the old block:


On Wednesday morning we headed out to Sean's family's river house for Thanksgiving ("the Farm" because they use to farm cattle there), and picked Suzi up from Grandmama's on the way down. Suzi wanted to make a pit stop at the "Hobby Horse", a children's boutique, to pick Gillian up some Robeez. Gillian is REALLY into ducks these days, and they just happened to have a pair of Robeez with ducks on them. Needless to say, she wore them out of the store. She proceeded to "quack" for at least the next 5 miles, and it is clear she really loves those shoes!

When we arrived at the Farm, a gorgeous piece of property that means a whole lot to the entire Colledge family, Aunt Mimi and Uncle Dave were waiting to greet us. They even had a little gift for Gillian-her first cammis in case anyone wanted to go deer hunting (yes, this gift was tongue in cheek...Mimi said G could now be "Putnam County Chic" and fit right in!):


The Farm is on the St. John's River, at a point where it is a mile wide. It is quiet, and beautiful, and situated among the Cypress trees. It is at the end of a dirt road, Colledge Road, miles from the nearest highway, and very private. When the world is crazy, changing every second, the Farm is what it is, and nothing ever changes there. This is the scene of Sean and Kimberly's infamous "Yard Child" incident-where their mom arrived to see them covered in mud in their underwear happily playing in the back yard. Even more-Sean's father and uncle Shep and Aunt Mimi were born there and lived there until they moved back to the city house. So, there's a million memories there, spanning four generations. We look forward to bringing G and any other children down there to create their own memories...

The house from the dock:


G visiting with her Nonni and Grandaddy:


Uncle Shep arrived with his wife Eleanor, and a giant burlap sack of fresh Oysters, which folks ate raw or cooked off the grill. Wednesday night was a night for catching up, and the whole family was there. Sean and his cousin William (G's Godfather) played tunes by the fire, we ate well, and there was plenty of meaningful conversations and joking going on. Gillian slept in the same crib that Sean did when he visited the Farm, and ate in the same high chair. Coming from a family with no tradition or sense of closeness, Wednesday and Thursday felt like a soft, warm blanket. I am 100% sure that I want to raise my children that way.

Thanksgiving Day dawned beautiful and clear. The sun came over the river like lava, spilling orange fire everywhere.


Everyone woke up at their own pace, and Dave started frying the turkeys around 9:30. Gillian loved being the center of attention, and hammed it up every chance she got. She was shameless in her flirting with her handsome cousins, who lavished her with attention (let me be the first to say there is nothing sweeter than a bunch of young guys being cute to make a baby laugh).

G with Mama and Papa (note: duck shoes)

G surrounded by admirers (who humored her during their pool game by letting her put their respective balls in the holes):

G by a tree:


Dinner was warm, delicious, and wonderful (though I skipped out on part of it to put a very sleepy G to bed).


The afternoon was for quieter conversations after a big meal, eating brownies, blondies, or pumpkin or pecan pie, or skeet shooting. I gave it a go, because I had never touched a gun, but it is safe to say I don't think I'll ever be a sharp shooter!


We got up early Friday morning and had to say goodbye to everyone, which was very sad. Our flight home was easier than the flight there because I could get up and walk G (on the way there, a lot of turbulence made that out of the question...ironic that Sean was there to share the pain on the easier flight!).

Reflecting on the trip, I feel like I understand something important that gives me peace about Jim-he found his place like I did in the arms of a real family. Dawn's family loves Jim, and have banded around him like a fort all these years. He was the orphan they welcomed into their family, just as Bill and Suzi welcomed me into theirs. He has had 17 years with a wonderful woman, and 16 with his beautiful daughter. He has fought like hell to be here, to savor every single one of those years. Life is impermanent, to be enjoyed in this moment, every second we have. We get the pleasure of living it with people we can love and who can love us. We get the pleasure of experiencing amazing things that are given perspective by things that aren't..things that ache. So, Cheers, Jim. Godspeed. And thank you, my family, for giving me a place to Be.

An aside: Gillian definitely misses her family!