Redefining a marriage

I have known Sean since I was 22 years old. He "wasn't my type", and blah, blah, blah, but we started dating two weeks shy of my 23rd birthday. I think I was mostly crazy back then, with moments of lucidity, but somehow I had the sense not to bolt when I finally found someone who loved me that didn't need me so much (or maybe I got lucky enough that he wasn't phased by my inordinate drama and "kamikaze woman" antics-as articulated so well in Husbands and Wives as, "a woman who self-destructs...into you"). A move to another state and back in a week for school, a graduate program, a REAL job, buying our first house, and a wedding later, we found ourselves in Atlanta.

When Sean decided to make a leap of faith into violinmaking after some serious soul searching about what he wanted for his life, of course I supported him. Luckily, I was able to transfer with my stable job to a place where he could learn the trade, so here we are. Five years here, him learning the trade and me working and going to school, Miss G came along and took us by storm. Having a baby changes things on the relationship front, a lot...even if you've been together almost 10 years when they enter your life.

We have had to redefine our relationship now that we have a child. We are no longer lovers and life partners...we added another massively important title to our bios: PARENT. We fantasized about what it would be like when Gillian came, but it isn't enough to think you know. We couldn't possibly have known what it would be like. It is as amazing as we had hoped, but also as hard as we were afraid it might be...but not for the same reasons we thought it would be hard. The relationship we made with her is brand new (and, I would argue, less complex because of that fact). On the other hand, the relationship we have with eachother must certainly change to accomodate the darling little squatter that has become a permanent resident in our lives. On top of all that, add a "stay at home [mom/dad]" designation for either of us, and things get even more interesting...for the first 6 months G was home, that was me. Now it is Sean.

When I say "redefine your relationship" I don't mean the physical part of your marriage-although that one is important...and many, MANY people neglect that part after a baby. But I mean, the adoration of one another...for us, THAT has been the more intricate part. How do you have enough left at the end of a day to feed your relationship and your partner's psyche with something whole and good? Babies require an exhorbitant amount of your attention, and all of your energy. It is exhausting to give, give, give to the baby all day, or to feel the remorse of absence if you're the one at work (and, no less important, the exhaustion of a 12-hour day of being away from home and coming home to feed, bathe, and put the baby to bed, like I do now-in essence a 14-hour day from start to dinner). A few months back a friend of mine, a stay at home mom, told me the story of how she loved the shower, because in the shower she was all hers, and in the shower "the baby is not [my] problem!!"...in fact, she said she did yoga in the shower, and even ate her lunch in the shower. She said "that is my happy place". I thought "wow"-but not in horror. More like, "wow, what a great idea!". Really-it gets to that point sometimes. By the time 6 pm rolls around, we are just wrecked. Both of us. And then there are nights Sean works after an all day affair with Mis Gillian (double exhaustion)... So, how do you continue to tap into your love energy when you are running low on mental energy (and often physical energy when you are sleep deprived)? We are still working on that, and I will report back when I have enough hindsight to figure out what worked.

Then there's the issue of self-identity..or redefining yourself as a person, and as a parent. This one is as hard as they come. This is why I never get more than 6 hours a sleep a night. Gillian goes to bed between 7 and 8 pm, but I usually don't go to bed until 11pm. Every night I intend to go to bed "and make up for some of my sleep" and every day I find something to do until 11pm. Those magical hours when she is asleep and I am sure she will not be waking up are ME time. Time for me to read, or write, or surf the internet, or watch a movie...just me time. Apparently, this is so important that I would deprive myself of sleep for it, and I have never deprived myself of sleep for anything. Particularly, as Sarah said, with babies because "[you] know it will be years before you can really catch up on those lost hours of precious, precious sleep". I am like a zombie most days. I am exhausted. I could sleep for weeks, if I had the chance. I am sure of it. I wonder if I would sleep if I took a week off with the express purpose of going to bed every night at the same time Gillian goes to bed? (but that would require me to eat BEFORE the "feeding her, bathing her, putting her to bed" routine that takes two hours when I get home). Sometimes I try going to bed at 9 or 9:30 and getting up to pump at 11:30pm...that helps, but it doesn't happen often enough.

And all this is with a darling of a baby who sleeps a 10 hour stretch every night and is generally good natured. I have endless compassion for those poor unfortunate new parents whose baby has "colic" (a completely useless catch-all title for babies who are ultra fussy, kind of like the designation of "flu" for people who don't have "a cold") or food allergies. The strain in a household from sleep deprivation and a baby who never seems happy can put a person on the brink.

In the end I think maybe we are being too stubborn in our desire to raise our child ourselves and not put her in daycare at all. Recently, we reassessed the situation, and have been given an opportunity to nanny share with G's good pal Francie's parents. We have decided to do that two days a week. Sean having two days to work uninterrupted will be a relief for him, and allow him to take the weekends off. So, this part of parenting has been the most challenging for us. Like all things, we will find our groove. In the meantime, we will likely continue to have some growing pains, and, probably for years, some acclimating to do.