On Forgiveness and Parenting

Do you know what the answer is? What it always is?

Forgive

Forgive everything. Every second of every day. Forgive people who hurt you on purpose. Forgive people who hurt you on accident. Don't blame one more than the other. Blame is cancer and eats you from the inside out. It doesn't matter how it happened. Someone hurt you. Carrying resentment about it makes you brittle and fragile. Be like clay-that can be molded over and over and over again. Malleable. Forgiving. Accepting of whatever comes.

Forgive yourself when you are being small. Forgive yourself when you are being big. Remove judgment. Live like you mean it, in the comfort of compassion for yourself. This is our time. This. I know about internal warring and the stress it brings. Let it go. Breathe it right on out. And forgive yourself if you held on to it too tight or for too long or for selfish reasons. Forgive yourself for the things you have to do to survive your story, to survive your pain. Forgive people for judging that, but more importantly, forgive your own judging of how you survived. Focus more on the fact that you did. Life is hard. Life breaks you down over and over again. It's an opportunity to shine brighter, do it better, breathe deeper, be kinder. Every time. Do it better, but be compassionate with yourself in the interim. Love and openness start within you.   

Forgive your child(ren) when they lash out with the ugliest, most hurtful words they can think of. I. DON'T. LOVE. YOU. The are really saying "I am really mad at you". Help them learn to say what they mean by always saying what you mean (I think you are trying to tell me you are angry with me, am I right? It hurts my feelings when you say you don't love me, because I love you more than anything...). Remember the value of one on one time-regardless how brief.

Forgive children when they make mistakes, especially when they make mistakes. Watch the way you react to their mistakes-you have the power to steer them toward tolerant acceptance or blame and disdain for their shortcomings and how they view the shortcomings of others. "It's just milk, sweets..." vs. "Jesus, HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO KNOCK THINGS OVER TODAY!?!?!?".

Shame.

Don't shame your children. EVER. Shame eats at every good decision they will ever make in their lives. They will never be capable of great things and taking risks if they don't think they are good enough to get to where they want to go...if they don't trust their own judgement. Forgive their indiscretions instead. THEY ARE CHILDREN. As my Addie said when explaining a dream to me, "we are learning the baby game". I asked what that game is and she said "how to love people". Shaming a child for mistakes while they are playing the baby game is like kicking a puppy. It will still inexplicably love you. Except human children can simultaneously learn to loathe themselves while preserving their love for you. Talk about their choices instead, and don't attach their choices to their soul...choices do not a person make. The child is a light of God. Everyone is a light of God, but we have a bad habit of defining people by their choices. What if we addressed poor choices with loving kindness when the "monsters" of our society were children?

Acceptance

Acceptance starts with forgiveness and open heartedness. Accept where you are right now. Accept who you are right now. Don't try too hard to be different than you are unless that changing is from a place of love and understanding. Stop making excuses that cloud your own view of yourself. See yourself with clear eyes, forgive yourself, accept yourself. If you want to do some work, don't be afraid to work to be the person you aspire to be. Remember that we are all on a very solitary trajectory, dancing together for an instant. Accept others, exactly who they are. Love them in spite of themselves, warts and all, and they will love you back. It becomes easier to love others, accept others, if you sit with yourself first.

Do your work, then let go. Sit in the circle.