Chill

All is right in the universe at this moment. There are soft, deliberate puffs of snow taking their time to the ground (this is not typical during the day in Chicago-usually we have horizontal blinding hell; soft snow is usually nights and early morning). There is a fire in the new fireplace, and there are two babies napping. We survived church, sick and all, remarkably well. The Bears are currently winning this playoff game. I'm not sure how much better things could be.

It's funny. I had a great night out with girlfriends on Friday. It is a serious blessing to be able to really share with people about the trials and tribulations of your life, and of theirs, openly, and know it's safe to do that. I love these women and I respect them, so much. And somehow it makes me feel that all the struggles I have with parenthood and moving on in life is not unique to my life. Everyone has some challenge somewhere. And it was ironic how we all decided that the challenges we were given have been tailored to us...and that no one else would deal with them as gracefully or as well as we do. It's easy to feel that I'm being judged for how I manage my extremely spirited children, and to wish they could just behave themselves sometimes (in my moments of utter worn-downness) but they are my girls, and I have to believe that in order for them to become who they are intended to be, this is who they have to be right now. And I have to love them, unconditionally, warts, daisies, and all (as they have to love me the same way). And I have to be gentle with myself, and know I'm doing the best I can. And I need to not compare the behavior of other kids to mine. They are not my kids, and their parents have their own challenges. I do know that one day, my girls will be very self-aware, very sure of who they are and what they want, and very capable of doing what they want all by themselves. If I was a complete hard ass I would crush the spirit of children who are vibrant and wonderful. But I balance that with not being a pushover, either. Some days Gillian has many time outs. And they are almost ALWAYS for how she interacts with Addie.

It did make me feel better to know that one of my friends (with a daughter the same age as Gillian, and almost an identical personality) struggles with the same feelings I have sometimes. She and her husband are incredibly laid back, calm, gentle people. And they have a spitfire just like ours. So when I wonder what I'm doing to cause the behavior, I can rest assured that sometimes that's just the way she came out. This friend also said she was exactly like our girls when she was little, and she has grown up to be an excellent human being.

Another thing we talked about is that one of the women said she was having this weird crossroads where she is exactly where she planned to be, and now there was nothing else she had to achieve, and how incredibly freeaked out she was that there wasn't somewhere else to get to. I remember that exact feeling a year ago. I had my babies, I had my PhD, I have my home, and my great job, and my great husband. No one tells you that when you arrive at the top of the mountain, the awesomeness of reveling in your own accomplishment can be relatively short lived. What I did is decide to go to nursing school NEXT. Because there always had to be a NEXT. I guess that isn't unheard of in a chronic over-achiever. She is floundering, wondering about happiness when you have everything you want. I worked through this feeling and have really enjoyed the days since I decided to relax and live my life, all “A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving (Lao Tzu)” Buddhalike. My freshman year of college, I had a big posterboard of this poem on my refrigerator:

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still
for once on the face of the earth,
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for a second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would not look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.

Life is what it is about...

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with
death.

Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go. -Neruda

Yeah. It's kindof like that. We have created enough comfort and success in our lives that we have the luxury of leisure...sometimes that can result in some kind of emotional estrangement from ourselves. But, the beauty of having strong, amazing women in your life is that you are never, ever alone in anything you feel.

So, that snow outside that is floating like lazy little bubbles around and around...I want to be like that-happy to float without direction. I'm getting closer, every day. Except I don't have to travel alone. Beautiful life, I think, where we get to collide our consciousness with others. We get to learn from them and dance with them. We get to blend our colors into the tapestry of ever after.