Belligerant

So, this post is one I have been meaning to write about for ages, but it exhausted me to even think about rehashing, so I put it off forever and ever. I guess not ever, or I wouldn't be addressing it now.

In my wide world, no one ever told me about what happens when your kid gets verbal enough and smart enough to start challenging every.thing.you.say. I suppose some kids are always angelic and well behaved (or are those only the ones that grown up to be sociopaths?), but I think most people, behind closed doors and whether or not they're willing to admit it, have a secret hell I like to call THREENESS. This is the age of testing you. All the time. They are pushing to find the edges of acceptability every second of every day. How many times has someone told me that toddlers are the most hard working scientists on the planet? and almost no one notices. These people are virtual human behavior sponges, noting everything you do, everything you say, and reminding you of it all the time when there is an inconsistency.

Gillian is no exception, obviously. I have never been afraid to admit that my kid isn't the easiest kid to every fall to earth. In many ways, she is amazing. But, she is trying to find out where the boundaries of her world are, and she is happy to test them to make sure they are what we said they are over and over again. Kids are pretty smart about morphing into Paris, and deftly manipulating any weakness they see or even think they sense in you, your partner, or anyone else, for that matter. If you bend at the grocery store to whining because she wants to break open the bag of Goldfish, prepare to deal with that consequence with whining over Goldfish every trip forever onward. It's almost like our cat Booger, who has never forgotten the two occasions when squirrels lived on the air conditioning unit in Gillian's room (the last of which was 1.5 years ago), and who sits longingly in her room every day waiting for their return. He memory is long for the things she chooses to remember. Like cats, like kids.

You almost have to do toddler bootcamp, and not let anything slide long enough to train them. Frankly, the idea of getting on Gillian every time she yells at Addie's door during naptime, or hugs her too tight around the neck, or telling us what to do and when to do it, or just run of the mill defiance makes me tired. But, according to my therapist, this learning curve is fairly brief (and you simply state the rule, why it is the rule, and implement the consequence). She recommends behavior modification to help the child learn to internalize boundaries and take emotion out of the picture. The rules are simply the rules. So, next weekend, we will launch the Gillian/Mama/Papa Sanity Program. She recommends a bucket or jar of tokens (colorful ones, like Mardi Gras or pirate coins), where you start off with a handful. Good behaviors = the child gets to put a coin in the jar. Bad behaviors = the child has to take one out of the jar. At the end of the day (at this age, it fills up or empties quick...later on it's weekly) if the child has coins left in the jar, he/she gets a treat or some special activity. The idea is that the child will start self-policing, and that Sean and I will help her by removing control from the equation completely. She will see that she is in control of her own behavior, and we are not good or bad, and the rules are not good or bad. They just are what they are. So, maybe we'll start with princess stickers. She will get one nice princess sticker at the end of the day if she has coins left in the jar. If it's the middle of the night and she jolts us out of precious sleep screaming like she's dying so we can come fix her covers or pick up her lovie off the floor, we will bring the jar to her so she can take a coin out. It seems the fact that SHE has to add to or take away from the jar is key. Too often we get sarcastic or grating when she deliberately does stuff like the middle of the night thing or grabbing Addie by the neck (it's the knowing glint in her eye that tells us she knows EXACTLY what she's doing that is so unnerving)...reverting to frustration is still a response, and that is what she's shooting for. So, you use a matter-of-fact tone of voice when you present the rule and consequence of the action. At the end of a week, we will DO something special if Gillian ends the previous 7 days with 5 days of coins (go to the movies, go out for ice cream, etc.).

My initial thought with this is "I am not a fan of rewarding behavior she should have anyway". But, we have not been successful in the calm banishment to time out, nor have we been consistent with follow through with threats of discipline, so this seems pretty simple. I'll report back with how it's working.

By the way, we have a crawling, sitting baby on our hands!