Various and Sundry Things

Once again, it is completely, utterly "YUCKY" outside. That is our new word to take the place of the uglier words we may have used in the past, because our New Years Resolution is to stop swearing. This is harder than you might think, but vital. It would truly be a sad shame if The Bean were in a public place and uttered a scathing epithet (unbeknownst to her) whilst looking like a precious little darling girl, or better yet, looking like a precious little girl picking flowers, or something equally pristine (picture a couple old bags upon hearing this whispering behind their hands about our abysmal failure at parenting). Anyway, we haven't seen the sun much lately, and it is starting to wear on my nerves. It wouldn't be so bad if it were at least snowing, but it isn't. Just dreary, dreary, dreary. I miss our home state on days like today. So, today is VERY YUCKY.

The Bean and I are going to our second meeting of a few moms and babies in the neighborhood today, and I am looking forward to it! It gives me yet another excuse to avoid doing my research. No, really, it is an incredible relief to get out of the house every now and then and see someone other than your darling infant or husband, and more importantly, interact with someone besides your darling infant. You might be surprised to hear this, but one sided conversations with infants are often less than satisfying. They are more satisfying the older she gets, because at least now she reacts with legs kicking and working really hard to get the intermittent "g-oo!" or "gnah!" out with a giant smile on her face. This morning she even had her first stab at laughing, which was more than absolutely beautiful. Sidenote: I was amazed to notice that she smiled in her sleep since about 32 gestational weeks, and after having her home, I also noticed she chuckles in her sleep (while having a radiant, toothless, eye-squinting grin on her face). This is well before the social smiles of the past few weeks. I can only guess that happiness is more inherently wired than frowning (since frowning is a new development for us), and smiling and laughing are NOT learned responses. We come out knowing how to do them, but I guess we learn later that they are signs of happiness or comfort. ANYWAY, my conversations with my infant daughter are getting more fun every day, but it is a good thing to get out to have conversations with lovely women who also have infant children. Plus, as The Bean gets older, it will be very good for her to socialize with others since she is not going to daycare (at least not in the current plan).

Last Monday I started going back to work one day a week. It was very sad. I felt this inexplicable desire to weep as I kissed my sleeping angel "seeyalater" on my way out. In fact I did give over to my desire to shed a few tears in the comforting hug of Sean, who is always good for such things. But, an amazing thing happened...after continuing to have a large throat lump most of the way to work on the train, I started feeling lighter...more buoyant. I came out of the station, looked around the familiarity of the Jackson Station...the post office, the federal building...that weird orange metal thing. As I walked toward my building, I felt more purposeful. I realized as I dug in to my day and to my first meeting back that my job is a huge piece of my identity. I got to use my brain for more complex things than changing a diaper or gooing at my ever more attentive daughter. I know it is vitally important for her development to do that, and I love every second I spend with her, but I am not ashamed to say it was good to be in the office again. Of course, I had wings on my feet running home to see my girl at the end of the day, and scooping her up and burying my face in her neck to smell her perfect baby smell. Amazing how your arms ache to hold your baby after a day away. So, that was my first "one day a week". I will do this schedule for 8 weeks...then two days a week for 8 weeks, then full time in May. I am grateful that I am allowed to wean my way back to work, and I know I will miss these precious all day love-ins with The Bean. And although I am stressed that I'm not working on my school work enough, I think I would regret time not completely present with her more.