Peace be with You

I'm about to get all philosophical on you.

As I become a parent-and it is definitely a process of becoming and expanding your identity to include some weird, independent extension of yourself-I find myself in some swirling emotional vortex that will surely result in change within. There is this thought in my head that I have been praying for change, and as is his custom, God answers these requests in interesting ways-ways that often don't resemble what we thought the answers would look like at all. A couple of months ago, I felt really overwhelmed. Addie wasn't sleeping-STILL-and neither was I. I felt really unbalanced and adrift. I felt down and in a rut. I felt like I had to dig deep to find anything to give anyone, and I felt like everyone around me expected me to give until I was completely bone dry (looking back, the focus on "me" was exactly the problem). Obviously, when you are on your knees, you have a unique opportunity to look inside yourself...to identify the path forward. So, I turned toward the spiritual in a desperate way, which is exactly what I needed to do.

Call it serendipity or synchronicity, or whatever you want to...but there are no mistakes and no surprises in this life. We create our reality, completely, with every thought and every choice we make. Most importantly, the thoughts we choose to think. Those shape the manifestation of our circumstances, on the whole, our reality. So, I was stretched to breaking, and I google "how to deal with difficult relationships" because my work situation was seeming to turn for the worse again (but has fully corrected itself, I'm happy to report-or maybe, more truthfully, I corrected my vantage point), and mindfulness meditation popped up. I googled "Mindfulness Meditation, Chicago" and the Chicago Shambhala Center popped up. It so happens that this center, of which there are 170 in the entire world (and exactly one center in Chicago), is 4 blocks from my house. Coincidence? No, I made it so. I manifested the answer to the need I finally realized, and the Universe provided. It always does.

I registered for a beginning meditation class. I definitely felt I could benefit from getting ahold of the monkey chatter and self doubt and fear and worry that was like a tape loop branded into my brain. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't benefit, actually. It's like, I finally was worn down enough to see what I needed, I asked the right question, and was immediately provided the answer. Magic? Nope-just the Way Things Are. I was aligned for a second. I need to align all the time.

So, it is truly amazing the difference in my general wellbeing I am experiencing from less than a month of meditation. This book is a phenomenal "how to" guide and is written in non-newagey goodness for the Western-minded. I feel more able to focus on what someone is saying to me instead of being partly distracted by a never-ending list of things to do in my head, or the desire to keep things moving by interjecting...after I meditate I feel very grounded, and I notice the smallest things-the texture of the walls...the feeling of my feet on the floor, the smell of some distant bakery...how blissful the sun feels, or how exotically delicious an orange tastes. I know it sounds completely ridiculous, but somehow focusing on your breath for less than 30 minutes a day to ground you in the here and now allows you to realize the benefit of sloughing off all the unproductive thinking you do constantly and be right HERE. It's almost like you have heightened senses, but in an awesome way. Sayyong Mipham says your mind is like a wild horse that you can learn to control. It is like an oasis of calm to sit with yourself, and only yourself, a little while each day. The goal is to find that place, and try to be present in it each day. If you can focus on right now, you don't miss anything. You're not always planning or worrying about the future or reminiscing or regretting the past. Nothing that happens is good or bad. It just happens. Just like no thoughts are good or bad, they are just thoughts. To be able to acknowledge those thoughts as wayward children and not let them run the show (the thought-run show that ultimately results in short-lived joy, disappointment, or some other kind of suffering) is the goal. It's like the Tao te Ching says-Sit in the Center. I am learning to sit in the center. Like a rock in a stream, with thoughts and situations rushing by. I am constant. Everything else is illusion, or preconception.

I think back to the days of when I had all the time in the world for myself. I kept busy, but I was wide open. I loved fiercely, without apology, unhesitatingly. Even if it was a dangerous thing to do. I decided I would rather hurt than not experience the range of emotions that came from loving so completely. I created art constantly. I wrote even more often. I felt like I knew myself intimately. I was fully present in my travel through the internal and external world. I discovered Sufism and Taoism in 9th grade, was fully immersed in Therevada Buddhism by my freshman year of college, and I still subscribe completely to those philosophies, but I never actively meditated. I was wide open and in touch without realizing it because I had the luxury of time and never ending intense emotional experiences to keep me wide open. As I have gotten older and more stable-financially and emotionally-I have become more closed and distracted. Where I use to live life on the fly and heart exposed, I have gotten into the business of taking care of things, day in and day out. Taking care of things-planning to take care of them, actively taking care of them, wishing I had taken care of them better-is the ultimate distraction.

Somehow I need to slough off the distraction. And there is so much of it. I had become chronically distracted. I chose that-and it's easy to with smartphones and the barrage of technology infiltrating just about everything...intruding on the little strands of quiet we ever allow ourselves. I want to stop all this struggling against the tide and submit, be immersed in my life. The idea of just letting go is so wonderful. I just needed a vehicle to help me learn how to do that. And with letting go is acceptance of what is. And what is, when seen through our truth, has no judgement, or preconception, but ultimate compassion. Of my children-I would have endless patience and joy if I was able to exist in each moment as it manifests with them. And for my husband-I would be grateful for every breath we have together, would not take a second for granted, if I could get into the present, fully.

So there it is-Reflection on a Tuesday.