Sleepless in Chicago

Adelaide is a hard baby. I have tried to justify her behavior with illness or teething, but she is just tough. She has always been tough. She has never slept well, which means we have been pretty well sleep deprived for going on two years. The night waking and misery is what prompted us to swaddle her and put her on her stomach at 3 weeks old (Yes, agreed-Oh, the HORROR!). At least then she (and we) could get up to 3 hours of sleep at a time (I was laying next to her until she was 4 months old, and could side-lay nurse her).

She has always been a very orally fixated child, which is why in desperation we turned to the pacifier (Gillian never cared for them). Otherwise, we are forever fishing things out of her mouth that have somehow miraculously NOT choked her to death up to this point (knock on wood). And I mean everything-balls of cat hair; buttons; dimes; sand, cigarette butts and glass at the beach; mulch; trash; bottle caps; tiny polly pocket clothing; shells; guitar picks-you name it and she wants to eat it. Everything except food, anyway. She is a terrible eater, which is why she drinks 30 ounces of milk between bedtime and morning. Or maybe we created that pattern by giving her milk all night.

Oh, the endless chicken or egg second guessing... I am convinced that the pacifier at least contributed to this because when she was little and it fell out of her mouth she would wake up looking for it. And then we swooped in like superheros with a warm cozy boobie or bottle when she cried because it made her go back to sleep like magic. Well, you never know exactly when is the time to start making them tough it out and not go to them when they cry out for you at night. So, we just never stopped, and we still get up and give Addie bottles twice during the night. Except now she doesn't want to go back to sleep. We simply can't deal with it anymore, so we are going to start over beginning tonight.

We are thinking we have to night train her, so I am not looking forward to the next few nights. Tonight it started with cutting the agonizingly long bedtime routine of bottle and books and snuggling from 45 minutes to 20 (she demands books for days, then you turn off the light, and she knows that means it's almost bedtime, and she ALWAYS then asks for more milk, even if she doesn't want it, in an effort to delay the inevitable bedtime, then she writhes and struggles when you walk her over to put her in her crib). So, I ignored the pleas for more milk and more books and snuggling, gave her a squirming, whiny little self a kiss and put her in her bed with a sippy cup of water for the night. She was not happy, but she only cried for a minute or two (so, score for us-tonight anyway). We are going to have to accept that when she wakes up yelling for us it probably will escalate to screaming and crying and disturb everyone in this house and possibly the neighbors downstairs. Hopefully this will only happen for a few nights. The next thing to slough off is the pacifier, but we'll do this dependence intervention thing in stages...

Addie likes to channel Sir Edmund Hillary on a regular day, tempting fate by scaling everything, all the time. She stands up on the back of the couch, she tries climbing onto the fireplace mantle by pulling the piano bench over, she climbs from the floor to the kitchen table top and today I turned around she was standing on the windowsill, precariously. Thank God our windows open from the top, or she would most certainly do a free fall through the screen to an unfortunate end this summer when the window gives against her weight. She falls a lot and there is much kissing of booboos.

I am going to have her checked for allergies when she's two also. It is amazing how much of her life she has spent congested, snotty, and generally uncomfortable (though inexplicably cheerful through a good bit of it). This physical discomfort has led to a great deal of attachment to me and neediness. That is not such a problem with one child, but with two that are needy, things get challenging. Like, today, I couldn't put her down. She would cry and cry and cry-while Gillian was persistently demanding I play princesses with her (so we did that with a "giant monster baby" who lived on my lap-see? Isn't Gillian a resourceful, pragmatic girl?). And it would be one thing if that was unusual, but it's not.

I could go on-about the angry faces she makes or how she yells in protest when she doesn't get her way, or the tantrums. Gillian was an absolute cake-walk in comparison (a scary thought, to be sure, given how strong-willed and head strong she is). At 2o months, Gillian slept from 7 pm to 8 am-13 solid, glorious hours. She didn't climb on things. She didn't put things in her mouth. She was generally very sweet in her disposition and did not throw many tantrums. She didn't really eat well (probably the tonsils/adenoids), but other than that she was pretty easy.

I guess all of this makes it hard to truly treasure our time and I feel pretty awful about it-but sick, belligerent, sleep deprived babies are not inherently lovable (though she has her frequent moments that have me falling in love with her *that* much more). At this age, I wished I could stretch my days with Gillian for eternities, and I am hoping when the warm weather arrives Addie and I also have awesome and special moments on our walks and trips to the beach and playgrounds. I hate feeling less connected with Addie, and I don't know if it's because she and I don't have much time to bond alone, or if its part of the physical stuff I am mentioning, or just the second kid syndrome. She is definitely way more independent, so that contributes... and I am grateful for the independence, but maybe her not needing me as much on a play level (though she is certainly needy on the *sick-and-want-mama* level) makes me feel less bonded.

That is not to say that Addie is not sweet, or silly, or precious at all. She is absolutely hilarious, and is always making us laugh. She is very sweet (albeit sometimes she is compensating for hurting someone), and is generous with kisses and hugs. She's a gifted conversationalist and does the cutest little head dance when she likes a song (she can definitely groove and shake what her mama gave her with the best of them, too). Part of all these feelings might be the cabin fever of late winter setting in or how extendedly dreary and cold it has been-hard for a Florida girl.

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Added Thursday (day after this post was written): Addie woke up once hollering for me, and did so for 5 minutes at 2 am and went back to sleep. I am pretty sure it can't be this easy, but I'll be greedy and hope it is!