WHEW! (all about me)

Well, it's done. I did it. Last Thursday, I defended my dissertation. Successfully. No, better than that. The Committee didn't have much to say...just a few minor things. My oral defense was done in 15 minutes flat (the presentation was 45 minutes).

I've been meditating on what exactly this means in the grand scheme of my life the past few days, and quite frankly the reality is that I don't feel any different. My advisor said it's anticlimactic that way. Ok, I feel different in this way: I am absolutely, utterly exhausted. Like I've been saving up all the fatigue of the past 6 years for when I would have the mental energy to handle it. It's kindof like my mom (who worked 60-80 hours a week at a convenience store to pay all the bills when I was growing up (abridged version)) use to say, "I don't have time to be sick"...well, I guess I haven't had time to be tired (between work, and school, and motherhood). But now I am sooooo tired. Ironically, I have been unable to sleep the past two nights in spite of that fact.

I have strived for one goal after the next my entire life. This is my last big tangible career/achievement-type goal (well, maybe I will get a registered environmental health scientist certification for fun, but that's definitely not needed at this point). So, now that I have reach this place, what's next? Weirdly, I am beginning to realize the roadmap of my life is riddled with the noteworthy stops of experiences...many of those having been working toward or achieving goals. Truth be told, I have no idea how to relax and not be all salmon-like trying to swim against the current to get to the next seemingly impossible place.

Isn't there some hobby or something I'd like to do now in the free time that is looming so near me? Yes, SO MUCH!! Sean lovingly made me an art bench and shelves in his workshop "for when [I'm] done with school". I use to love to make stuff, and to sculpt, and to be generally creative. Although I have neglected that part of myself, I have found myself to be pretty forgiving and find ways back to the garden when I have needed it. Now I want to live there full time again. And music.... How wonderful it will be to do that again. Even the simple things like reading what I want..maybe fiction or a memoir that is inspiring (in lieu of something in, say, the Journal of Environmental Engineering).

Lately, my friends and I, on what use to be an online pregnancy support group that is now a parenting support group (a shout out to Dee, Kirsten, Marcy, Martha, and Megan!!), have been talking a lot about feeling like we have lost a little of ourselves throughout this parenting process, and we all agree we need to find and nurture those passions that have always resonated in us. I feel like that strange neglect of myself began when I became pregnant with the expectation of finishing school, even those years ago when I began the program, well before I became pregnant with my Gillian. Anyone who really knows me knows how single-minded I can get when I am working on something I feel I need to accomplish...often at the expense of other things. The stubbornness to finish what I start has been a blessing and a curse, I guess.

But here I am. Soon-to-be LCDR Michelle Colledge, PhD, MPH. Weird. On May 9th I will walk across the stage to accept my diploma that I busted my ass and risked losing my sense of self to earn (I fully expect angels with trumpets and a heavenly light and that one sound when you see the heavenly light and trumpets as I am hooded at long last). I will look back and not have a clue about how I managed to finally get there. But hopefully that day, roughly four months from now, will find me better self-cultivated, more self-aware, and though I would never want to float too far away, with my head a least *a little* up in the clouds.