Things my 6+ month old has taught me (an incomplete list)

Well, she's really 9+ months old...and 7 months adjusted age, but I truly hate that qualification, so we'll just say she's 7 months old like we do every time someone asks.

At any rate, I was just thinking of all the many things they never tell you about babies, and thought I would enlighten you with my parental discoveries (which may or may not be the same as your parental discoveries-either way, please share...I would love to expand my list):

1) There is no guarantee about anything regarding babies: not your pregnancy (just because your mom/sister/grandma had an easy pregnancy doesn't mean you will, or vice versa); not your delivery (surely you know how my grand birth plans were burning rubble by the time G was delivered); not the temperament of your baby (colic, reflux, sunny, easy?? doesn't matter what kind of baby you or your partner were); not the rate at which your baby reaches her developmental milestones (one in our group could crawl before she could sit up on her own); and surely not her inclinations (how many very girly girls came out of not-so girly moms, or vice versa??).
2) After the initial love-in, get out. Baby will survive for a few hours without you, and you most certainly will feel relieved and more bouyant every now and then with a few hours away from her. Go on dates (even if they're during naptime!). Keep the intimacy of your marriage. Make time for your partner. Otherwise your home-root starts to shrivel from neglect, and no one will thrive.
3) Very young babies are boring, but you are so in awe of them that you don't notice. Until they start doing stuff. Then you realize how boring they were before (especially if you have DVDs full of 10 minute recording sessions of the baby sleeping).
4) No, you're not crazy-tummy time sucks. For everyone. Baby will get on her stomach when she can stand it and not any sooner (I personally think the tummy time thing is overrated).
5) When you feel up to it enough (or lame or guilted enough to get off your behind) to go out with your girlfriends and leave baby at home with your partner, remember you can't drink like you use to: 1) more than likely your tolerance has bailed completely; 2) you are producing enough milk to flood a garden and need to drink a LOT more non-dehydrating fluids if you're drinking, like, oh, WATER; 3) if you don't do enough of #2, your milk production will crash and you will freak out over the next day or two; and 4) if you go out and drink like the old days, remember that you can't sleep it off like the old days, 'cause guess who will be waiting for you bright eyed and bushy tailed at 4 o'clock in the morning?
6) Baby socks generally don't stay on a very young baby's feet.
7) Super fussy babies might have reflux. Give Zantac a go if baby can't sleep well or eat well the first couple months. It changed our world (and the worlds of a few babies we know...).
8) Zipping, long-sleeved and footed onesies are a gift from God. Get at least 10 of them in every size.
9) Breastmilk poo is super runny and doesn't stink, and poo after they start eating solids is sticky or solid and doesn't smell as sweet. And yes, it is suppose to be that shade of mustard yellow (sometimes with little curds, even).
10) Blow outs happen. Particularly with disposable diapers, and in very compromising circumstances (in public, say...or all over your dress and all over baby in public).
11) Babies fart everywhere, without consideration of the propriety of the situation.
12) Cloth diapering is the way to go. Really.
13) You will never feel like you talk to the baby enough, read to her enough, teach her enough, get her out enough, or expose her to enough. If you are still functioning (as in taking a shower, brushing your hair, and feeding yourself...maybe even getting 6 hours of sleep a night) when she's 5 months old, rejoice, and forget about all the things you thought you should be doing. She will be fine. And so will you.
14) If you are unfortunate or stubborn enough to have to pump for your baby, there will be days when you feel like Elsie the Cow, and it will make you resent 1) your smirking, smart-assed partner who just has to say something sometimes when you sit down to pump and 2) your baby, for whom you want the entire earth (it's not really her fault you're a purist that thinks formula is powdered death in a can).
15) There will be some point (maybe several) where you will feel objectified by your infant. And you you will resent your fondling, impatient, sycophant baby who only loves you for your milk jugs (or so it sometimes feels).
16) Teething can last for months. And teething hurts everyone.
17) Baby likes to channel other creatures in her ever increasing vocal repetoire: a dolphin, a death monkey, a banshee, and sometimes, a babbling baby.
18) Babies babble/squeal everywhere-at home, at the grocery, in the car, and even in the middle of the homily at church in the dead quiet AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS (which is cute most of the time, but still...and btw-shhsshing does nothing).
19) You can retain baby bubbles in weird places even though you are below your prepregnancy weight. Ask the little donut around my belly button.
20) You will lose a wig's worth of hair for every shower for a good six months beginning a few months after said baby is born. They tell me I won't go bald, but I am unconvinced.
21) Baby toys are overrated, and you can entertain your baby with household items just as easily (partially full pill bottles, tupperware, cell phones, etc.). In a related topic, cordless phones cause your otherwise angelic baby to act like an addicted, selfish freak. Overdub spastic breathing and "mine, Mine, MIne, MINe, MINE, MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
22) You should never EVER buy her (or keep) a toy that will grate on your nerves when you hear that little song for the 119th time in a single morning.
23) Even if you are a 6 foot 2 inch, 180 pound strapping man, your infant can give you a black eye weilding only a cordless phone, which she loves more than she can tell you. (see Sean, exhibit A)
24) Baby likes fake coughing. Not for any particular reason.
25) Babies make vice grips with their tiny little hands. Even if your skin is in decent shape in the "lack of sag" department, baby can always get a handful and squeeze. AND IT HURTS.
26) Of all the places G pinches me, the back of my arms (behind my biceps), my jugular, my septum and my eyelid/eye socket are the most painful.
27) Baby can get so excited about something, you think she might pass out from lack of oxygen (hyper breathing) or you might pass out from the decibel of screech she reaches during said excitement.
28) Babies are fully capable of moving at warp speeds to throw themselves like incompetant lemmings off of elevated surfaces in a split second as of 5 months old. You literally cannot turn away from them or risk the guilt of baby falling onto the hardwood floor. I know this. And inevitably they will fall, and they will get hurt, and you will feel helpless and incompetant for letting it happen.
29) Even needy cats don't want love enough to get their hair ripped out by an over-eager baby on an average day.
30) You can lead a baby to the table, but you can't make her eat. She will eat when she is good and ready and not one second before. If you try to feed her solids before she is ready, she will forever try to grab anything around her, pretending you're not there, and you will have to make her smile or laugh to get ger to eat anything. When she is really ready, even if it's at almost 7 months old (in lieu of the 4 to 6 months that is usually recommended), she will open her little mouth in anticipation of your organic, pureed delights. G was ready a week ago, at last.

And most importantly: Having a child and watching her grow is the most amazing, magical, fantastic thing on the planet. I am convinced God spaced out our youth, children, and grandchildren to remind us throughout our lives of how truly amazing life experience can be. Children remind us of how to be in awe, and I believe that is the key to staying youthful.