Bug is FOUR

Dear Gillian-

Today, darling, you are 4. You crashed into our lives with lusty gusto-choking on life, and haven't slowed down yet. We have to run to keep up with you...we work so hard to keep up with you. And we watch you, and are in awe of your blinding iridescence that reflects the sun. You are a caricature of a human being-so flagrant in your disregard for time and space and the silly conventions of existence. Because nothing about you is typical. You yearn to see everything, do everything, and be everything. You have no patience for those that say "can't" or "shouldn't"-because everything is completely within the realm of your grasp. You are pure being, and I hope that radiance grows brighter throughout your life. I hope you forever take for granted that the world is subjugated to your paintbrush.

It is my priviledge to be your mother, and an awesome responsibility to cultivate the glorious creativity, the expansive heart, and laser beam intellect that is You. You don't let me rest, one second. Nothing gets by you, and nothing is forgotten by you. You love fiercely, you want unapologetically, and you ache dramatically. My calm fades next to the brilliance of your firestorm. But for now I am the frame for your story, and support for your structure. I will provide the foundation for your becoming, sometimes joyously, sometimes cautiously, and sometimes begrudgingly...but always from a place of the deepest love. Because, you see, you are my angel. You shocked me out of these cloud dreams and into stark daylight. And my life is more colorful, full of wonder, and silly because you are in it.

I hope you have the happiest and most wonderful day, beautiful girl. We have a date to dance tonight. Maybe we'll wear our fairy wings and tiaras and throw in the magic wands for good measure.

Love, love, love, and more love-
Mama

Milestone

This morning, our Very Big Girl tied her own shoes when she got dressed for school! So Big!

SCHOOL!

Since the past four years have literally passed us by in a frenetic blurry rush, I need to reflect for one second on Gillian heading off to her first day of school yesterday. We talked up the whole thing, telling her how awesome school will be and how many new friends she will make and how much she will learn...I mean, we don't know that for sure, but if we reassure her (and ourselves) enough we can will it to be. Right?

So, because Addie was Way Too Busy To Nurse, I had to pump. While I pumped I brushed Gillian's hair and put it in a ponytail and added her new headband with butterfly. She turned around, and I was struck, very suddenly, with weird grief at her going into the world. That this world would no longer be her only world. That her new world would NOT include me. That the things she loves and does and that influence her emotions and intellect would be outside of my control in that world. That would not be at all sad if I thought everyone else was looking out for her and loved her like I do. So, I teared up, cupping her sweet face with her huge doe eyes and feathery eyelashes and kissed her nose and her head. And then she cupped mine back with her little hands and said "don't cry mama. I am growing up and have to go to school...I'll still be your baby when I'm 4 or 5 or 11 or 40, Okay?". Somehow we cease to access this source wisdom when we get older, but the fact that she was soothing me the same way I had soothed her fears of having a baby sister ("you'll always be my baby, even when you have your own babies; when you're little or big, or young or old") almost pushed me over the edge to full fledged weeping. Here was my angel hearted girl. The one locked up in the basement by the three year old terror version. When all that falls away, she has a depth of emotional understanding that humbles me, and I love her. So Much. I also had a Lost-like flash forward about this moment, and the day she goes off to college and the day she gets married. I'll remember her at three years old, dancing in my living room, and I'll feel this familiar eye stinging...and then I'll think of how I feel the same way I felt yesterday.

She started school at Northside Catholic Academy. We have planned this since before she was born, when we joined the parish (which just happens to be a fantastic community). We hope she will be there until she graduates 8th grade. It's not Harvard, and it's not the *best* school in town, but they have great placement rates in magnet high schools (last year 95% of students go to their first choice high school), and the families are phenomenal. Apparently, I have to do Virtus training to step foot in the classroom, so that is set for October 7th (waiting lists are long!). The tuition is very reasonable for the area (we are paying $4600 with her scholarship) but there was still quite a list of supplies to bring in. At the end of the day, we are pleased with the arrangement, and I like that we can walk to pick her up and drop her off.

Dropping her off wasn't quite so rosy, as she decided at the last minute that the bustle was completely intimidating and she freaked out a little. Sean says we have to "do it like a band-aid", which I guess means rip it off fast. So, today, I did it like a band-aid. Her teacher said she did great yesterday after we left and was exceedingly helpful with the littler kids (she's in a full day 3-4 year old room). And here I sit, able to have a couple hours all to myself. What an unbelieveable luxury! Girls from my birth class have offered to move playdates to Wednesdays, but honestly, I love the idea of having alone time with Addie (who never gets anyone's undivided attention, except when Gillian is ripping toys out of her hands), and some quiet time to myself. I told them not to move it on my account, but that every now and then I would swing by.

I have been thinking about balance, and have decided Wednesdays are Mama-Addie day, and on the weekend, Gillian and I will do a fun Mama-Gilly date for a few hours. Then everyone gets a piece of mama. And Mama time will be Wednesdays during nap, or maybe a Mama date (for me with other mamas) on Tuesday nights or the weekends. I have been trying to do more of that. Anyway, it is a challenge to feel like I have enough time and energy to bestow each child with enough attention to suit their needs. However, I do believe there is truth to the addage that whatever attention multiple children don't get from you, they get from the luxury of having siblings, so there is ultimately a natural balance. We are starting to see what fun Gillian and Addie will have as Addie becomes more of a little person, and it looks like it will be amazing. I keep thinking how great it would have been, and how different my life would be, if I had a close sibling.

So, the ruminations of Gillian's first day of school...