Bug is FOUR

Dear Gillian-

Today, darling, you are 4. You crashed into our lives with lusty gusto-choking on life, and haven't slowed down yet. We have to run to keep up with you...we work so hard to keep up with you. And we watch you, and are in awe of your blinding iridescence that reflects the sun. You are a caricature of a human being-so flagrant in your disregard for time and space and the silly conventions of existence. Because nothing about you is typical. You yearn to see everything, do everything, and be everything. You have no patience for those that say "can't" or "shouldn't"-because everything is completely within the realm of your grasp. You are pure being, and I hope that radiance grows brighter throughout your life. I hope you forever take for granted that the world is subjugated to your paintbrush.

It is my priviledge to be your mother, and an awesome responsibility to cultivate the glorious creativity, the expansive heart, and laser beam intellect that is You. You don't let me rest, one second. Nothing gets by you, and nothing is forgotten by you. You love fiercely, you want unapologetically, and you ache dramatically. My calm fades next to the brilliance of your firestorm. But for now I am the frame for your story, and support for your structure. I will provide the foundation for your becoming, sometimes joyously, sometimes cautiously, and sometimes begrudgingly...but always from a place of the deepest love. Because, you see, you are my angel. You shocked me out of these cloud dreams and into stark daylight. And my life is more colorful, full of wonder, and silly because you are in it.

I hope you have the happiest and most wonderful day, beautiful girl. We have a date to dance tonight. Maybe we'll wear our fairy wings and tiaras and throw in the magic wands for good measure.

Love, love, love, and more love-
Mama

Milestone

This morning, our Very Big Girl tied her own shoes when she got dressed for school! So Big!

SCHOOL!

Since the past four years have literally passed us by in a frenetic blurry rush, I need to reflect for one second on Gillian heading off to her first day of school yesterday. We talked up the whole thing, telling her how awesome school will be and how many new friends she will make and how much she will learn...I mean, we don't know that for sure, but if we reassure her (and ourselves) enough we can will it to be. Right?

So, because Addie was Way Too Busy To Nurse, I had to pump. While I pumped I brushed Gillian's hair and put it in a ponytail and added her new headband with butterfly. She turned around, and I was struck, very suddenly, with weird grief at her going into the world. That this world would no longer be her only world. That her new world would NOT include me. That the things she loves and does and that influence her emotions and intellect would be outside of my control in that world. That would not be at all sad if I thought everyone else was looking out for her and loved her like I do. So, I teared up, cupping her sweet face with her huge doe eyes and feathery eyelashes and kissed her nose and her head. And then she cupped mine back with her little hands and said "don't cry mama. I am growing up and have to go to school...I'll still be your baby when I'm 4 or 5 or 11 or 40, Okay?". Somehow we cease to access this source wisdom when we get older, but the fact that she was soothing me the same way I had soothed her fears of having a baby sister ("you'll always be my baby, even when you have your own babies; when you're little or big, or young or old") almost pushed me over the edge to full fledged weeping. Here was my angel hearted girl. The one locked up in the basement by the three year old terror version. When all that falls away, she has a depth of emotional understanding that humbles me, and I love her. So Much. I also had a Lost-like flash forward about this moment, and the day she goes off to college and the day she gets married. I'll remember her at three years old, dancing in my living room, and I'll feel this familiar eye stinging...and then I'll think of how I feel the same way I felt yesterday.

She started school at Northside Catholic Academy. We have planned this since before she was born, when we joined the parish (which just happens to be a fantastic community). We hope she will be there until she graduates 8th grade. It's not Harvard, and it's not the *best* school in town, but they have great placement rates in magnet high schools (last year 95% of students go to their first choice high school), and the families are phenomenal. Apparently, I have to do Virtus training to step foot in the classroom, so that is set for October 7th (waiting lists are long!). The tuition is very reasonable for the area (we are paying $4600 with her scholarship) but there was still quite a list of supplies to bring in. At the end of the day, we are pleased with the arrangement, and I like that we can walk to pick her up and drop her off.

Dropping her off wasn't quite so rosy, as she decided at the last minute that the bustle was completely intimidating and she freaked out a little. Sean says we have to "do it like a band-aid", which I guess means rip it off fast. So, today, I did it like a band-aid. Her teacher said she did great yesterday after we left and was exceedingly helpful with the littler kids (she's in a full day 3-4 year old room). And here I sit, able to have a couple hours all to myself. What an unbelieveable luxury! Girls from my birth class have offered to move playdates to Wednesdays, but honestly, I love the idea of having alone time with Addie (who never gets anyone's undivided attention, except when Gillian is ripping toys out of her hands), and some quiet time to myself. I told them not to move it on my account, but that every now and then I would swing by.

I have been thinking about balance, and have decided Wednesdays are Mama-Addie day, and on the weekend, Gillian and I will do a fun Mama-Gilly date for a few hours. Then everyone gets a piece of mama. And Mama time will be Wednesdays during nap, or maybe a Mama date (for me with other mamas) on Tuesday nights or the weekends. I have been trying to do more of that. Anyway, it is a challenge to feel like I have enough time and energy to bestow each child with enough attention to suit their needs. However, I do believe there is truth to the addage that whatever attention multiple children don't get from you, they get from the luxury of having siblings, so there is ultimately a natural balance. We are starting to see what fun Gillian and Addie will have as Addie becomes more of a little person, and it looks like it will be amazing. I keep thinking how great it would have been, and how different my life would be, if I had a close sibling.

So, the ruminations of Gillian's first day of school...

Girls

Here are a couple of videos to illustrate the blossoming awesomeness of sisterhood!

First inklings of true empathy

So, Wednesday, Gillian and Addie and I went up to the "coffee store" to get a little breakfast while the kitchen floors (newly sealed) were drying. Gillian was decked out in full-on fairy princess attire (magic musical wand, wings, rainbow socks, sparkly pink skirt, pink princess crown, etc.), and she was bestowing everyone we passed (even cars waiting at the stop light) with blessings and good wishes. (can I say that not a single person could resist a huge smile at the spectacle of Her?) We got to the coffee store and ordered our drinks and breakfast sandwiches, and sat down at a table to eat. Before long, a woman and toddler (17 months) came in to visit one of the employees (they were clearly his wife and daughter), and Gillian and Addie both wanted to play with her. Gillian was completely enamored of this child (Evelyn) and was all gentle and sweet with her. Addie wanted to poke her eye out and kept pointing at it exclaiming "EYE. EYE. EYE!" (sometime I feel like I live in a psychedelic alter-universe). Gillian then decided she wanted to share her magic wand with Evelyn and they played some more. Evelyn was SO in to the wand, so you can imagine the tragedy of having to leave and take the wand with us. Evelyn's little face crumpled into tears-a complete lack of understanding about toy ownership; in her constant state of presentness she was confused as to why one minute she had this fabulous new toy, and the next it had to be taken away.

So, we left. The minute we left, Gillian started saying how she was sad that she made Evelyn cry by taking away the wand. She said she wanted to go back and give the wand to her so she could be happy, and that she could borrow it and we could get it next time we see her. I told her we might not see them again, but she could give it to her if she thought it would really be ok if she never got it back. So, about half way down the block, Gillian said, firmly, "I want to go back to the coffee store and give her this wand. I have my pink one at home." Mind you, the pink one is made of a paper towel tube and some streamers, and definitely doesn't play magic blessing music, so this was BIG for Gillian. She deliberately wanted to give a superior toy to a total stranger. So, we went back to the coffee store. We went in, and Gillian went over to the baby and her Mama, and held up the little wand-in all truthfulness an offering of likely only momentary happiness for Evelyn (but I will never say anything except that Evelyn will probably play with the wand under rainbows with unicorns, kittens, and sunshine for the rest of her life). Evelyn delightedly took it and started waving it around and pressing the button to make music like Gillian had shown her. He mother said "Are you SURE?! Wow...you must be the best big sister in the world!" (I kept my snort at this comment inaudible). Evelyn's Mom dabbed the tears away at the corner of her eyes at Gillian's utter selflessness, and I got a lump in my throat too. Because here, smack dab in the middle of the hellish 3s, I saw that my girl knows what is right, and has a big heart, and that she will be ok. We will all survive this phase.

I knelt down and looked her in the eye and told her how proud I was that she wanted to make the little girl feel better and was willing to give one of her favorite things away to do that. We left again, Gillian skipping ahead, feeling buoyant by her own ability to make someone else happy. On the way home, we talked about how she had filled all our proverbial buckets and how good it feels to to that.

Home

There is this house we came across, and it's just so us. And I could imagine our girls safely running around in the back yard, watching them while I am cooking dinner from the kitchen. We made an offer, and we waited for the verdict from the sellers after assessing an offer from another potential buyer, and the sellers are completely unrealistic, so the other potential buyers walked. I guess that's what happens when you overprice your property in a market akin to a SLUG. But the status now is that we are waiting to see if they accept our second counteroffer, and then we begin the mad dash to get our place ready for a market we can probably not sell in. Because our purchase will have a sales contingency. I am not optimistic about our ability to sell our condo, but I hope our loving restoration and building updates will make an impression on someone, and we can beat the odds.

But here's the thing. I had this big plan to live here for 10 years and pay this condo off, at which time we would buy something in Florida and have our summer and school year residences. All of this sounds nice over a glass of wine, but really thinking about yanking Gillian out of Chicago at the tender age of 13 sounds miserable (because I totally remember 13 years old, and wouldn't wish it on anyone, much less someone starting over someplace). And then we were discussing the idea of maybe having more children. Yes, I went there. More. Children. It is quite possible that I am completely mad. Aside from this three-year-old-hell, I love being a mama, and one day I want to have another child. But that aside, Sean and I looked at eachother and had an epiphany that we don't want to live in Florida except to be near his parents...and truthfully, there is more to consider than that. We love this city. We love the intelligence of public transportation. I love my job. We love Anna for our children. We love being 1 block from Lake Michigan and parks. Sean has more work prospects here. We have a church community we love and it has an affiliated school that is perfect for our kids (and not too expensive as far as parochial schoools go). So, the scale tipped back toward Chicago.

So, there's the house, and our plans to grow our family a little more, and a condo that is so expensive. Did I mention that? We spend $1020 a month on stuff that is NOT a mortgage for the priviledge of living here. If I added that to our mortgage, we could totally afford a HOUSE in this city. But honestly, I have been all Zen and rational about this (maybe for the first time in my life about something like this), and it wouldn't take much talk myself out of the house. It is a bit scary to have the financial burden 100% on you (unlike our condo, where it falls on 26 units). It is not EXACTLY done the way I would want (for example we tore out half-assed pergo floors and paint-caked trim in our condo five years ago, and yet the house has all of that in various places); BLUE kitchen countertops; unfortunate upstairs porch enclosure with unfortunate tearing out of original italianate under-roof mounts...Sean would have to insulate the garage for a shop (which would take some time)... But. Most importantly, we love the community around us. Our neighbors are more like family, and I love feeling like we live on Sesame Street on a lazy Summer evening, when everyone is out on their porches or in the garden hanging out. Darla and Kate are like Gillian's aunties (away from aunties), and she truly loves them bunches. In fact, Darla and Gillian have a date this weekend. So, there's all that. Oh, and our AWESOME new porches. So, we are oddly ambivalent about the whole thing. That all said, the house is about a 10 minute walk from where we live now, so there's no reason to get dramatic (we can see everyone as often as we do now, but just won't be able to holler off the porch at them), but it is amazing to see everyone out and about everywhere you go in the neighborhood. I don't think you get that as much in neighborhoods with single family homes.

So, light a candle that this all works out, but we are so totally ok if it doesn't. If it is God/The Universe's will, our place will sell in a reasonable time frame for a reasonable amount of money. And we will have our forever-house that has enough space for our growing family. And is close enough to The Neighbors We Love to make it OK.

Odds and Ends

Oh, how I neglect writing about Adelaide. I gave you play by plays of every breath Gillian took, and Adelaide lives her life in anonymity because blogging falls by the wayside. But for a moment, I have to tell you how absolutely delightful Addie is. Addie is sweet and funny. Right this very moment, she loves to dance and kicks her legs up when she’s shakin’ what her mama gave her. She leans in for many sweet kisses and goes “mmmmmmmmmmmmmm-mah!” when she makes contact. She loves a quick snuggle, but is very busy, so doesn’t linger long in your arms (unless she’s feeling under the weather). She is very chatty, and mostly sounds like she’s speaking Japanese, inflection and all. She imitates every single sound, so Gillian saying “tickle-tickle-tickle!!” in a high pitched voice sounds like “dee-dee-dee-de-de-de-de” from Addie in the exact same tone. I can tell when Addie says “kitty cat”, “bye-bye”, “Hi!”, “boobie”, “poopie”, “baby”, “bottle”, “Papa”, and “Mama”. Other words are not nearly as obvious. Addie still makes a habit of pooping in the bathtub nearly daily. If not in the bathtub, sometimes on the floor after a refreshing bath and while I am drying Gillian off. We call her The Mad Pooper. In fact, anything brown or debris-like is “POOPIE!”, like crushed dead leaves on the stroller foot rest yesterday (I guess one could argue that it kinda looked like bathtub debris)..

Addie takes Gillian in stride, and hits back when hit, and snatches back when Gillian snatches from her. Of course, I struggle with the fairness issue, which is apparently all the rage when you’re almost-four-years-old. So, when Addie steps on Gillian or hits her, it’s an accident. When Gillian does the same thing, she gets a time out. See? Not fair! She is totally not down with the differential treatment. So, that’s a tricky discussion. Mostly it goes like this “When Addie does that, she doesn’t understand what she’s doing. You have to be a big girl and show her how to act. If you do it back, it becomes a game or it shows her that hitting is ok, and it’s not. Mama or Papa or Anna will make sure Addie stops. When you were a baby, we didn’t hit you back when you hit because you didn’t know what you were doing, just like Addie doesn’t know.” Boy is that a doozie of a complicated explanation. I mean, even elementary rationale can arrive at the fact that my explanation is complete utter BS. So, add the unfairness to the “we’re-putting-you-out-to-pasture-in-PreSchool-while-we-sit-around-with-Addie-all-day-playing-and-having-fun-and-eating-ice-cream” and you have a touchy situation and a very disgruntled little princess who has ALWAYS been the Center of the Universe. Until that Stupid Baby was born, anyway.

Needless to say, Gillian has a conscience. It was with shame that after (ONCE) saying “I HATE ADDIE”, and me answering that with “Well, that’s so sad, because Addie loves You”, she said “well, I love her too, but I want to play with you.” So, I try and I try to give her words to express how she’s feeling so it doesn’t come across as physical anger. Yesterday, she actually said she wanted Nonni all to herself. That was a breakthrough and a little warning that Addie would only bare the brunt of Gillian’s jealousy if we didn’t have concrete time visiting her grandparents by herself.

In the end, I am sure my girls will grow closer as they get bigger and as Addie becomes more fun to play with. I see glimpses of the future, and it is giggly and bright. But being almost-four-years-old is rough, and that’s a fact.

Personality

Addie’s new favorite game is to get right in your face. Her eyes widen, she gets intense. Then she pushes you slowly back, grunting like she’s exerting LOTS of effort (even when you are playing along and fall back willingly). You fall back and make a pretend crash sound. Sometimes she comes along for the ride and giggles and squeals in delight. You lay there, motionless. She grabs your shirt, or neck or arm and grunts like she’s sloooooooooooowly pulling you back up and exerting even more effort than when she pushes you down. She looks even more intense. Repeat. I love funny Addie.



Another silly little game is pretending she is taking bites of pretend soup from a little spoon out of an empty bowl. I wasn’t aware of how soon imaginary play begins, but it delights her to no end to “feed” us.

Easy Button

Gillian's sleep/more severe behavior problems? Eliminate nap (CHECK). So much better now. She's dead asleep by 8:30 most nights.

Addie's granite bullet poops? THE RIGHT WATER CUP (with straw). (check). Now she has diarrhea in the bathtub every night :/ , but at least she's not miserable anymore. Amazing what hydration can do for you! But, what's with incomplete digestion with these babies? I totally recognize what's coming out the other end. Kinda like a scavenger hunt. Hee!

Just a couple of musings. Life is gooooooooooooooooood.

One Year Old

Today, you are one year old. You are a ray of sunshine-pure and sweet and good-a bundle of innocence. Even at the tender age of almost-four, Gillian has started to lose that absolute untarnished purity. But for now, you my angel, feel only unprocessed emotions-and they are 90% love. No manipulation, no bartering, no negotiation, no story telling, no tantrums, no grudges; just forgiving, and generous, and precious. I have kissed you a million times. I love to inhale the intoxicating smell of your sweet head. I nibble on your chubby little toes. Your smile humbles me, every time. Your delighted squeals when I kiss your neck or belly or feet are music to me.

When I watch you stagger down the hall with your new walking skills and babbling about Something Very Important, I get this sting of grateful tears-that God has entrusted me with your precious soul-MY beautiful baby. Pure as new fallen snow. I get the privilege of watching you explore, and discover, and learn for a lifetime. I wasn’t sure I had enough room for you in my heart next to Gillian, but you taught me that my heart is endlessly vast. I am reminded every time I fall in love with you all over again. Every time I open the door in the morning and you greet me with excitement (to know, without question how important I am to you); every time you bestow me with an open mouthed kiss, every time you pat me back when I hold you so tight after your before-bed nursing, every time you triumphantly show me some new wonder (and for you, they truly never cease) and remind me of how magnificent this world is-flawed and all-through your eyes, completely perfect right now… And I wish I could put how we feel in these moments in a time capsule, the love we have for each other.

For now, I want you to know, on your first birthday, how infinitely you are loved. How I absolutely adore you. How I rise and fall on your laughter and tears. How there is no good that exists that I will not fight to give to you. How I will move heaven and earth to protect you. You are the manifestation of my sweetest dreams, and I know how blessed I am. I promise to work every day to be worthy of the gift you are to me.

A little poem for you that I have always loved, my darling:

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every [flaxen J] tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.
-Lord Byron

Love, Mama